Friday, November 26, 2010

something new

For the first time I am out of words. I dont know what to write, what to say. For the first time I am staring at a blank page wondering what words are doing to spill out onto the screen, and the more I stare the more I realize that there are no more words. Its all out there.
It is time. Time to move from healing to living to smiling and laughing. It is time to find something new.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

period.

Behind
Lost and confused
Broken and bruised
Scared
Dared to care
disappear into thin air
Believe
faith and trust
take two
second chance
survival
deep breath
keep moving
running or walking
smile
because your alive

Thursday, November 18, 2010

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

trust

God would never give you more than you can handle. My typical responce... I just wish he didnt trust me so much. I am not a spiritual person by far, and I can probably name everytime that I looked at the sky saying "really!" I dont look to "the big man upstairs" for any advice or guiding signs but I have to say I do admire his trust in me. He trusts me more than I trust myself usually and as much I want to march my ass up there wring his neck and say cut the shit, I know at the end of the day Ill be right here, accepting every challenge with this quirky smirk on my face. I just wish we could trust people as much as the world trusts us. With everything each and everyone of us is dealt, every card, every bad hand, up and down, high and low, with everything going on we are a lot stronger then any of us know, we just need to have faith and trust. Trust in ourselves, trust in our families, and most importantly trust in our friends. It is our friends that are the glue that holds everything together even when we feel like everything is falling apart, they are there. Trust in them. Go to them. Love them. Be honest with them, and you will see its as easy as being honest with yourself.

Shot Seventeen: trust is trust

Sunday, November 14, 2010

light

Take my hand,
Guide me through,
Be the light,
That's all I ask of you.
I'm not a Frisbee
But a boomerang, 
So I'll come back
Every time you throw me away.
I love you
With all my might
So please baby,
Lets not fight
I'd run away,
I'd choose you,
I don't know exactly what to do.
Close your eyes,
what do you see,
Cause when I close mine
I see you and me  


Saturday, November 13, 2010

stage left

 I know I said that you were making hard for me to be mad at you, but that doesnt mean Im not mad all the same. This is when you come in with your big beating heart of yours and try to fix it. So enter stage left and get on that shit. Dont be one of those girls who just dont get it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Darlings

So C and I watch this show called dirty sexy money, which is about this family named the Darlings. The Darlings are filthy rich, obnoxiously spoiled, and the drama in thier life makes me glad that it is not my life. The drama in this show is crazy. It makes my life look pretty. Oh my life, what is my life. My life includes girls that disappear like the sun on a rainy day, crazy amount of homework, and friends that keep life totally interesting. On top of all the when I need a car most, I get in an accident and mess my car royally. I cant help but feel like not having my car is the worlds way of telling me I cant go running everytime she needs me. Now I cant go see her and I would be there at the drop of a hat and now I cant. I cant be there and its not only killing me its killing her, or at least she seems to. I called her sweetie and well I cant cause she hates the term and my other option was babe but I feel like that wouldnt go over well.  So the Darlings are these fictional characters that just live. They hide behind their money and power, but they live. Its all secretative and they keep it all from eachother but each one of them is just trying to live. And that is what life is. Its about living.


In the mist of watching this show an emotional moment came up and I found myself doing something I dont normally do. I was feeling something. I miss her. And for the first time the her I was missing was KC. I miss the idea of her, the thought of her potentially thinking about me. I miss her name being on my caller id, I miss her random texts of hey sam, I just miss her. I cant explain it and I dont understand it, but I miss her. And after how things ended I figure Ill never know what will be, but not knowing is killing me. Not knowing what could have happened is eating away at me. Ive written her letters and I just wish I had the balls to send them, and I know that texting her is a complete waste of my time because she wont ever answer me back, and when I see her when we play them, Im going to want nothing more than to grab her face and kiss her but I wont, Ill let T beat her up and gaurd her and hopefully get the chance to lay her on her ass long enough to extend my hand and tell her she should have picked me. And well she should have, and if she were to text me in three weeks from now or even two months from now, I know the story, I already know what I would do, say, feel, and I could write the story. She comes back, I swoon over her, get my hopes up, and well when things look good, too good, it will all vanish. The dopey grin on my face will last the length it take the sand to drain from the timer in my crainum game. And maybe thats what I miss most, that feeling she gave me, she made me feel alive.


Shot sixteen... Living and alive are two different things.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

tree

I'm laying here looking out my window, which allows me to see everyone individual walking from their dorm room to Blake, and there are some i know and some who I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. And I figure most people are like that. Hiding who they are, how they feel, and what they truly want to say, hoping that everyone just lets them keep walking. And then theres this tree, and for the last four years that I have been in my boss's office i have noticed this tree and each fall I fall in love with it more and more. Its fiery red leaves that at this moment are clinging the the tree and those that have fallen have managed to survive maintenance need to suck up ever sign of fall. Its these dark fiery red leaves that catch my eye every time I look out my window. The color reminds me of the color of the Cali Lillie's I want to hold at my wedding while the coldness of fall reminds me of the coldness of peoples heart and their disappearing acts. But all the same this tree still stands, it blows in the wind, lets some of the pieces fall and whenever I look back at it in the spring it will all be put together again, its kinda how Id like to view the human heart. It might get stomped on, squished, torn to shreds, and bleed a whole hell of a lot, but given time and the warmth of others (in the tree's case, spring) it heals and becomes hole.

painting

shattered heart
hopeful eye
theres always something she's trying to hide
if you look deeper
she'll only seem weaker
as life falls from the sky 
or sinks from the floor
the longer she stands reaching for her hand
she'll seem as helpless as a snowman is the sun. 
Look past the laughter, 
Look past the smile, 
hang out and watch for awhile
and you'll see 
as clear as can be
this painting does more than just leak

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

...

I dont have any profound words of wisdom, life change or saving advice, or the answers to any important questions, including my own questions, and on top of that I rarely take my own advice and as much as I try to be the girl who says fuck you whenever she gets hurt I know in the end no matter how hurt I am, and how much I yell and cry with my friends I will always be the one that gives out second chances, and thirds, and forth, and so on. I believe in second chances. I live by second chances.

I go after what i want even if it doesnt want me back, I fight for it and if I dont get it I stick around for the just friends speach that inevitably follows. I myself have given that speach and it sucks. It sucks to give, it sucks to hear, but I have come to notice that some girls just do thinngs to make that speach possible, do get your hopes up and then send them crashing into a million pieces because they want to feel better about themselves.

So my advice to those who may not be looking for it but might just need a pick me.... Stay mad as long as you can cause once you stop it hurts like hell, yelling, screaming, and crying are okay, and everyone has pictures to burn and its okay if someone else is burning your picture, you dont have to be in everyones photo album.