Daddys little girl... or NOT

Today I had a "meeting" with my dad and my mom. Yes, really, a meeting. We sat down on the porch and discussed graduate school. And I was not there by choice i was there because two days ago I was told that I had to or my father would basically disown me. I went into this meeting feeling like a mouse trapped in box with a snake. Talk about the weirdest feeling ever, i think i probably needed a lawyer. Anywho, we laid everything out there, not there was much to say.

• Grad School: PSU for Athletic training
• costing about 15 grand a year with out a job or assistant ship
• Will I be working? DUH!

more to come

ugh

I'm not quiet sure what to blog about. There are a few things that have been on my mind. The first is E, and not the way you are thinking. I'm sitting here in my room with my wife and my girlfriend and I cant help but think about her and how it probably took her hours to fall asleep because she cant stop herself from the downward spiral she is falling into. E and I have had a roller coaster of a relationship but at the end of the day its all the same. I care about her and she cares about me. So this past Monday when she came to work looking like a hot mess, minus the hot, i couldn't help but ask if she was okay. when she finally told me that she was falling apart and expected to burst into tears any minute i thought for sure we would be going back to the hospital. I say we because i have been with her almost every time she was in there in the last three years. And this time would be no different, except she isnt there. She is sticking it out, fighting it off, and becoming stronger by the day... i just wish she would see that. 

Issue two in my life: my dad. cliff notes version: "if you sign any sort of loan, I will no longer do anything to help you ever again. And if you ever want me to be in your corner you will come home to discuss this." The this is grad school. What doesn't he like? oh i don't know, the fact that i want to be in school, the fact that i want to further my education, or the fact that i just finally am figuring out what i want to do. My point: I am a big kid. I will pay for grad school. And I will do it by myself. So deal with that dad, because I'm not dependent on you. I am growing up. Just be happy for me and accept that I am not going to call you every day or see you all the time. I am moving on and living my own life, and I don't have to report back to you. 

that is all...for now

blogging.

I dont know what to blog about...

Pride was good.
Friends are good.
Work is good.
I love CC more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone
I applied for big kid jobs

The. END.

Moneys

soooooo its going to cost me 15,000 dollars a year to go to grad school.... if i live on campus. The school gave me 16,400 dollars in aid (loans). I guess thats a good thing right?

"my clinician told me to..."

MKB (aka fuckhead) - Just a heads up the VT state police might be calling you ... but not for you

(enter missed call from restricted number and one new voice message)

Me: Why?

MKB- Because I want my computer and other things back

Me: So ask for them

MKB: I have multiple times since Easter

Me: No you haven't because we have seen you multiple times since Easter and you haven't said anything. and do you really think that she is keeping your shit from you on purpose? Come on. All you have to do is legit ask for it and you know she would bring it to Rebecca's. Make me a list and text it to me. I cant believe you brought the state police into this instead of asking me your mom or her mom.

MKB: I have asked my mom several times and she wont get involved unless its a drop off spot...my clinician TOLD me to do this and had me do it in her office and CC knows i have asked for it, I have the texts that ive wanted it.

Me: CC doesn't have a phone. I'm not okay being involved with this either. I'm not okay with you giving them my number and I'm even more not okay with the fact that you haven't asked me for your stuff because you know I would get it for you

MKB: I know she doesn't have one and i told them that. I'm sorry for involving you and doing what i was told to do... but Stacey felt that this was the appropriate route

Me: You have some nerve giving them my number. I'm beyond pissed. you could have called me or asked me for your shit. you could have called and asked me if it was okay. And you have Bonnie's number you could have called her or gave them her number . Send me what you want back and Ill do my best to find it this weekend.

MKB: my laptop and diamond Sapphire necklace

Me: the necklace might be hard cause i haven't seen it. any guess to where it might be?

MKB: last i knew it was in the car

Me: great cause that's the best place for it. after this is over you both need to grow up and learn to communicate because I'm so sick of this shit

MKB: OK

Me: see it wasn't so hard to ask me for it but now i have to deal with the state police

MKB: I will take care of it, Stacey said not to go to you about it

Me: well you did the minute you gave them my number which is far worse then coming to me and say 'hey Sam CC and I had a falling out and I would really like my laptop and necklace back do you think you could get them to my mom. Its not that fucking hard

MKB: She said it was going to be easier to do it this way then to go through CC's girlfriend who may already be blinded of the situation and whats gone on since Easter. she didn't even want me to give you a heads up that we made the phone call

Me: I know everything. Every text, every phone call, every facebook message, i know everything and blindsiding me with the state police was probably your stupid idea yet.

MKB: Perhaps but its what was agreed upon as being best to have no connections or ties, have my belongings back and just be done

Me: so fucking ask me for them don't call the police freak me out and drag me into this. And no ties and connections is what you'll get. Ill get your stuff to your mom by Sunday when i leave town then I'm done. Tell Alex i love her and I'm sorry but you crossed a line.

MKB: OK

Her fb status later: love doesn't me absent so shut the fuck up

Basically, state police called told either me or CC to call them back. So I did. When I talked to the officer this conversation had already happened. I told the officer that I would be bring the stuff to her moms by Sunday when I left town. I also informed him that I was aware that MKB told him that she was trying to get her stuff since Easter and that there are more then enough witnesses that will confirm that she was staying at CC primary residence for Easter weekend and therefore could have gotten her stuff. On top of that on May 5th, CC and I went up to visit Madison in Burlington and Lunt (where she lives) would be able to confirm that. 

Needless to say I was less then impressed, so when I got to Vermont, talked to her mom and CC's mom, it was pretty much determined that neither of us wanted anything to do with fuckhead. I brought her stuff, necklace included to her moms and then took a picture and sent it to her. I am done. I don't give two shits about her or her immaturity anymore and I will totally enjoy sitting back and watching her suffer the consequences of her actions cause pissed of mama and papa Clark is never a good thing. Papa Clark is going to talk to the trooper that called me and mama Clark is being less then friendly. oh and her own mom is peeved too... 

So.... my clinician told me to flip her off and tell her to go screw herself, so I did. 

FB statuses

me: watching a movie and playing scrabble because "my clinician told me to"

K: went to dunks because "my clinician told me to"

CC: yelling across the hall to my bro because "my clinician told me to"

MM: posting the redic status because "my clinician told me to."

liam

Mom

Its no secret that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and lately it seems that her and I are just destined to never get along let alone see eye to eye. Yesterday she told me that I wasn't working hard enough to go to grad school and that I would never be able to afford it so i should just put it on hold and wait a while. First of all, I am working for it and I worked hard for it. Second, no shit I can't afford it, but who can. And so if I have to sign a bunch of student loans, work more than forty hours a week at low paying jobs, then that's what I will do. Maybe the best thing for me is to looking into paying rent on a year lease rather than ridiculous amounts on dorm life. Maybe Ill get an RDship next year. Maybe Ill get a coaching job. Maybe Ill have a grad assistantship that will help pay for school. With her its always the negative, I don't think my mother has ever taken a risk in her life let alone just done something because she wanted to. My parents always tell me that its silly to just do things on a whim but I swear I have the best adventures when I decide to do the something on a whim. Like last weekend, I went to hampton beach. It was last minute, but it was great and I had never been.

When shit went down on Tuesday with CC, all I wanted was my mom, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't go home and pretend like everything was fine because my mom knows me and she would know something was up, but this was not the time for me to be like "yeah I'm in love with a girl and she just shattered my heart". I know its not totally her fault because I haven't told her but this wasn't the coming out I had planned. Like seriously not the best of timing. Also I know what my mom and my dad would have said. They would have told me to go do something or go to my room and come back when I am less emotional. My mom cant handle emotions and doesn't like to talk about them. When she saw the cuts on my leg she asked why I didn't tell her. Not are you okay? Not why did you do it? Not when did it start or do you want to talk about it? When I said I was depressed she never asked why? or what lead to it? She just asked me if it was a side effect of my birthcontrol med's.

So basically there are days where i just want my mommy and then I remember that our lack of relationship will forever hinder that.

Scrabble

My girlfriend is like the game scrabble. Her and I are addicted to the game, and we even play each other. Its kind of pathetic cause we cheat when we play bonnie and rebecca. There is this Ipod app called descrambler and its amazing, and the difference between the game and my girlfriend is that she doesnt come with an ipod app or a daters manual. And in all fairness neither do I and I am probably equally as complicated as she is.

Me: I need attention. Not lots of it and not full on PDA make the world vomit, but I need affection and attention. Small touches, light kisses, a hey baby or hey babe. Little things like that make my world go round. I have two rules: Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me good night. I need to cuddle and wont sleep well knowing the person i love is next to me and not cuddling with me.

Her: She doesnt talk. If she is mad she wont talk to me. it takes a lot to break this girls walls down and most time you wont get a straight answer from her becuase opening up really isnt her thing. Direct question. Prying digging and knowing when she is bullshitting you are good skills to have. Followed by knowing that apparently when she says no doesnt always mean no and that if I am asking for her to kiss me I should just do it. (damn nike slogan)

What had happened was.....

Miscommunication
anger
frustration
tears
confusion
more tears
and more tears
pasionate kisses
wrestling in the front yard (i have hidden strength)
food
and yes blogging world wonderfully fabulous make up sex! (i can already tell you her responce to this... really babe?, but yes really. it was amazing and definately needed)

Aside from the TMI, things are good now and we are better. Before all of this I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her but it wasnt till all of this that I realized how much I wanted to be with her and how much I loved her and needed her...

yiaernayhbtnakmuyiwbinharoy (descramble that!)

...

I am not pushing you away... I am holding on for dear life, but I need you to need me back.