Trial and Error

KC makes my anxiety increase. Not because she has done anything bad but because she always leaves. She gives me this dorky retarded look on my face but at the end of the day i know she will leave. So the elephant is back and its annoying. Why it that this happens? I know this time I have a reason but previously I didn't. Now most would say eliminate the anxiety cause, well I cant. I cant eliminate KC because she makes me do the giddy school girl thing that I haven't done since I was in middle school and I want her to be there. I want her to be apart of my life and to be more to me than just someone I see when we compete against each other. She is always on my mind, maybe not in the front of it or right there, but in the back corner, there's always KC. Always making me think maybe I should text her, even if its just a "Hey, I hope you are having a good day" or "good luck in your game." KC and I haven't spoken since Monday night and out of the blue she texted me today. Just like back in may..."Hey Sam". This thing is I was on a break from my class in the dungeon and so I could have a full convo with her and now I'm sitting in class wondering if she'll be there when I get out....

Well I'm out of class now and I'm still talking to her... she told me she "missed me". My instincts say question everything. I mean what gives, after everything we talked about, she misses me. How do you miss me if you just want to be friends and don't want anything else. Its not like she has made some dramatic effort to talk to me and I haven't really been there. Every time this happens I end up the one sitting here hoping to hear from her, hoping that this time she wont bail, wont disappear, and will want to be something somehow with me, and each time I never get that. I get this illusion that it might just work and then poof, its like haha wishful thinking. Is it stupid to think it will be different this time? or ever? Am I setting myself up to get hurt and be disappointed again? I wish there was a way to know all the answers cause trial and error is getting old.

Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change

Shot Twelve: Just hang on....

kick this

And the kicker lines up and... Kicks my day to shit. Fuck it


Shot Eleven: Invest in new play writer...

Anxiety... you suck...

Dearest anxiety,
Please go away. I hate you, and you never come when I think I should be anxious. You just show up and then you dont go away. I dont know how to fix you, why you happen, or how to make you stop, I just know that I feel like you are sitting on my chest and telling me that breathing is over rated. So please take your elephant sized ass off my chest and move on...


Struggling to breathe,
<3Me

24

Waiting on a chance, for love or hate, right now it seems to be more like hate then it will ever be love because i can just sit here and wait or turn and run.... 


Shot ten: heads or tales?

honestly...

So last night I finally lost it, and as C would say that implies that I once had it all together. But I really lost it. It was time to run for basketball and again T was late. J and I went to her room where we found her passed out cold, after we saw her I told her to go back to bed and that I wasnt going to make her run, and J and I left her standing there in the hall. As we were walking down the stairs I lost control of all of my emotions. I just started to cry and I think that it probably freaked J out a little bit. I just kept saying to her that I quit, game over, I cant do this anymore. I cant keep wanting something so bad and have no one else want it as much as I do. By the time I got back from the run, met with B, and then came back to my dorm room and actually said the dreaded words... we need to talk. T came over and she just looked at me and said lets have it... and I flipped. I told her I was pissed off, I was so angry at her, and over sleeping wasnt an answer. I get the over sleeping stuff, shit happens, its a mistake but this is it for me. I dont have a next year or another chance at this and for the first time in four yaer basketball is actually meaning more to me than it ever has before. There are so many people in this world/community that dont want us to succeed, we will play in gyms that are freezing cold and turn our lips blue, we dont have a home court, and somedays we even get locked out of our own gym. But heres the thing aobut this team: we have eachother. We have to, and if we are fighting eachother we will lose everything else. We have talent this year, we have a chance, new team, new coach, new dream, but I need everyone. I need her. I need T to be there. I told her I wont beg her to play and that it sucks that as a freshman there was a lot of pressure on her and J. She is good, really good. She has a lot of talent and I can see the passion and love she has for this game in her eyes everytime she gets the ball. Its all there, but I need her to be there, not just for me but for our team. I dont beg, I wont get down on my hands and knees and beg her to play, but if she wants to do this she needs to be there. I also told her that one day she would have a freshman just like this and she would be having this conversation and she will remember me. Im not trying to be bitchy to her I just want her to understand that this is my life and basketball and I have a really rough relationship but for once I know after this year I know I am going to miss this... even the running part.


Risk nothing gain nothing... take me or leave me, this is me and most days I might just be a hot mess, but I love passionatly, care too much, and put everyone before me, and most days I wouldnt have it any other way and yesterday that was clear. Honesty will work, i hope.


here to waiting 24 hrs...


Shot Nine: Risk nothing, gain nothing...

White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    




I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.


"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"


Shot Eight: Stop surrendering... 

broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.


My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  


Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you