White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    




I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.


"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"


Shot Eight: Stop surrendering... 

Running in the Rain

Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.


I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.


Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law.  It was great and it made me feel better.


Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.


<3 Me


Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....