tough love

"All that i'm after is a life full of laughter, As long as i'm laughin' with you, I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after, After the life we've been through"

Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
 
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
 
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.
 
 

Brah

 "Sports remain a great metaphor for life's more difficult lessons. It was through athletics that many of us first came to understand that fear can be tamed; that on a team the whole is more than the sum of its parts; and that the ability to be heroic lies, to a surprising degree, within." -Susan Casey

Athletics. Story of my life. Athletics have shaped me into who I am. They taught me control, they taught me team work and work ethic, they taught me how lose with dignity, and how to win with grace. They taught me sportmanship is different from gamemanship and they even when you arent on playing field both play a significant role in your life. Even though I have learned these things it doesnt mean that I have done them or done them well. I work hard. I work hard at school, my job, and my relationships. For years everyone thought that I just did it all and didnt work at it, mainly my parents, until they realized that it was more then what i did during the day but what i did when the doors were closed and the sun had gone down. Okay, so that was a mini tangent. Back to the point of this posting. Two key things in athletics is sportmanship and gamesmanship. Sportmanship is doing your best and playing to the best of your ability without degrading your opponent. This is why we shake hands at the end of a game, help someone up when there down, and not trash talk the opponent. Gamesmanship is different. Gamesmanship is doing something to give yourself an advantage. So basically cheating and not saying anything about.

Sportsmanship and Gamesmanship arent just in athletics, they are in relationships too. Relationships are teams. For example JT, L, and I are a team... team nose goes. M, BB, and I are a team... team too many boys (them not me).... K and I are a team... team wife, CC and I are a team (duh), and A and I are a team... team sismance. With all these teams there is some serious sportmanship and in each team its pretty much the same. Protective against outsiders, help up when someone knocks them on thier ass, kiss and make up at cant the end of a fight, and so on. In all of these teams, there cant be gamesmanship. You cant force an upper hand, you cheat your friends out to get ahead, it doesnt work that way.

This I have learned. I cant fight my way out of the bromance relationship that is between K and CC, because well its funny and its important. However, I will say as the wife I reserve the right to stand outside my wifes door and ask if Marco wants pizza. And just becuase the sismance doesnt discuss sex fully yet, we have a look. And you "brahs" dont know the look, and you should also thank us... why? because by having the sismance, you dont have to listen to us bitch about the emotional mumbo jumbo of relationships. So youre welcome. Also, the best part of having a wife is that she knows me and can disciepher my b.s. to my ever loving girlfriend. I think that A and I's sis mance is should really just be label as translators. Becuase we translate the emotions into short sentences the "brahs" understand.

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets. — Marilyn Monroe



My tell all....

So this has been long time coming and has been saved as a draft for sometime. Before graduating and finishing classes, I was really in a not hold back my feelings type of mood, and some of the things I had to say just didnt fit witht he image I had to portray, but seeing as thats all gone and I have offically passed on my roles at the path I can now publish this and just laugh with my friends about it all...

*names have been changed and motified... for laughters sake just enjoy it.



where to start....hmmm... i guess we will start with the little ones. Stop walking around like you own this place cause let me tell you as an old lady you dont. You dont get to bitch about how much work you have to do when youre only taking 5 intro classes and arent working or doing anything else with your day, nor do you get to say that your teachers need to not put exams on the same day. welcome to the real world this isnt high school and for 30 grand a year it is suppose to be hard. Also, stop wishing it away cause guess what it goes fast and it will end in may and three weeks later you will all be posting that you wish you were back here so just enjoy it.

my next thing is deadlines. I set them for a reason and just because everyone knows your name doesnt mean you dont have to follow them. Oh and not everyone says your name in a positive way and you have burnt so many bridges at this place that you should probably just keep your mouth shut and just exist without trying to mess everything up for people who actually work hard. I mean were you really just going to do something so that people were just getting it? who gives a fuck if she is going to be doing a good job at it. and who was going to vote for you? Do you honestly think you have more friends this year then you did last year when you got your ass handed to you? really lets get real. Grow up, be a big kid, and mature.

oh, please just pick one boy. I cant keep track of which ones i hung out with played games with or just met via web cam. Please just pick one... and that goes for you too. pick one! and be happy! sheesh. Also, where do you get off (if you still read this you will know) giving her my blog link. Like seriously. If i wanted her to have it i would have given it to here myself. Its not that I care I just wish that you fucking told me or asked me first so that way when i did talk to them i wouldnt be totally blindsided. So i guess thanks for that but your lucky im not royally pissed off. And to her, sheesh is about all i have to say and even i dont know what that means.

This one I will totally just call out... TB. What the hell! I have been the butt of the joke for a lot of people but I thought that just maybe you might be different. guess not. oh and i owe the girl you were cheating on me with or is it me you were cheating on her with, im not sure but seriously i owe her an apology, not for being whatever i was but she tried to tell me and i believed you. that was dumb. p.s. you looked good a prom, how'd it feel walking in with a sixteen year old? awesome right. bet you'll go to more proms then years of high school, but whatever some people roll, like that.

And to bay path... stop letting us roll with excuse "oh bay path". Sometime we expect nothing less from you then let down or disappointment, whether its in food or and event, or anything. after four years the most common phrase we heard and said was its bay path. thats sad. Students ask for thing and we get told no. We give suggestions on how to fix things and we get we will work on it and does it happen rarely.

lifers.... GO HOME!!! you dont go here!!!!!!!! k thanks?

So thats my rant and rave.... hope you enjoyed it.

<3

im back

HOKEY! so Im back, and I promise to be a more faithful blogger.

Cliffnotes version

• ditch S
• ask CC out
• spend two weeks with her
• fall head over heals
• boston trip with the seniors
• grad rehersal on thursday
• strawberries and champaign
• beach day with b, kb, jt, l, and c
• saturday in vermonT
• sunday= GRADUATION!

I have so much to write about its not even funny and I have no idea where to start. Senior week was a blast!! Boston was great and I had a lot of fun rounding up the drunkards. L and I had enough fun watching everyone dance around. Strawberries and champaign was fun and then all the senior ra's went to peters for the night. It was a lot of fun. JT, L, and I had some much needed bonding time and i realized how much i missed just sitting around playing games with them. CC and I had a blast spending tons of time together. P.s. I asked her out when we were on speaker with her friends and I told her best friend's boyfriend that our girlfriends were weird. It totally took her by surprise and after we hung up i really asked her but i made her wait to say yes so that we didnt have the same anniversery as me and a previous ex had. And so far everything has worked out great and I dont plan on letting her get away thats for sure.

Graduation was soooo long but i did it. graduated on time with my diploma. yay me!!! Kinda made me realize that life is moving past bay path and as much as it seems like only my friends are moving on to different things, I have realized thats me too. moving on moving up in the world, and im plan on taking CC with me. :D <3

...

Life has been crazy busy and I'm failing. I just want to sleep and make everything go away. I don't want to fight with S anymore, I don't want to cry anymore, but I can't let go, I can't walk away....

Hahnology

1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?.....I guess soo
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.

4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.

5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all

6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness

8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings

10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep

11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know

12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous

14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely

16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years

17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn

19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike

21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)

23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day

24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies

25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have

28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive

29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments

31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn

32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.

33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes

35) Do you type fast?...... kinda

36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.

37) Want any more?.... no

38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather

40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea

43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes

46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes

50) What should you be doing ?.... homework

51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling

53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies

54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp

57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.

60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget

66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes



67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit

73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)

74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.

76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it

78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too

80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.

81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella

88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay

89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do  :)

92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)

94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them

95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name

96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it

103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally

107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I

110) Favourite lyrics right now?....

How many times can I break til I shatter?

Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in

lets be real

People come and go and they always leave an imprint on your heart. Today K and I got divorce, and it was her decision which was kinda my plan. I would never leave her and I will always love her, but us saying we were married and were wives wasnt realistic. We have fallen appart since I made being happy and doing things soley for myself a priortity and it hurt our relationship. She is a great girl and deserves the best of friends and to be happy, and maybe Im not that best friend for her. Ive got two of the best friends a girl can ask for and then Ive got the best group of friends that a girl can ask for too. they all fill a role and they all are appart of what make me me. K is no exception, she will be the girl that i randomly text quack too or that i show up in her room with a coffee because if i have learned anything k without coffee is not pretty. K has always excepted me for who I am we just fell out of the spending every waking minute together stage and moved in to a different one. Do i miss those nights? yes. Do I miss her? yes. Do i love her more than she'll know? of course. I admire, respect, trust, and care about this girl. Am I bitter? No. Why? Cause we just took the facebook offical label of our relationship and got real. One of us had to and i respect her for being the one that actually had the pair of balls to do it. So K, when you read this (and I know you will) I LOVE YOU and Ive always got your back.


M- lets get real. life will never be easy, you know that so if that what you are waiting for you are going go to heaven or hell which ever you prefer as a very bitter old lady with a serious knee problem. We all ask you how is it going even though we dont agree with your life becuase we love you and we back your decisions and will always be there for you. But that being said, come on. Get up and do something about it. If you dont like it change it. Make your life worth living, cause I know you and i know you arent happy. And I love you which means ill support you always and forever but get your butt in gear and be that girl i know you are. If he isnt fixing then either you fix ir or say fuck it. And I know its scary and you dont want to becuase when things are good things are good, but you have family and friends who will be there for you and make it good all the time rather than just once or twice a week. You dont deserve to live hoping that today is a good day, you deserve to live knowing when you wake up that no matter what it will be a good day and if its not you are coming home to those that love you no matter what. So, i love you and ill back you no matter what you know this, but Im reverting back to being your RA and saying Put your big girl panties on and make yourself happy! K? Love you mean it <3 me


S- Come on! For a guy that doesnt want to be in a relationship becuase of the time and the stress you certainly put a lot of time into me. You have been here everyday and in a one month period we have only not seen eachother 3 times. Like come one. We do everything a couple does and then some, so lets stop with the i havent taken myself off the market bs and be real. We are together. K pumpkin? :D




you cant wait for happiness, if its not there go make it

The final count down.... and everything inbetween

2 days till my birthday...

and heres the thing, Im done wishing. Not to be cynical or anything but its true, Im done wishing and Im done hoping that they come true. A lot fo the time I think its my own fault for wishing for things that have no possibility of coming true. So this year instead of a birthday wish Im making a birthday thank you. Thank you irony. Hehe you are amazing and by amazing I mean the mix of you and karma have certainly added a humerous one two punch to my life.   

10 days till surgery...

Im scared. Not going to lie. Im scared shitless. Its not like it was the last time I had surgery. I dont know exactly what he is going to do or when he is going to do it for that fact. All the same, hello surgery and potentially miserable spring break, good bye constant knee pain.

it doesnt get any better than this....

Before I start I need to say that this is my life, and it is real. As crazy and stupid and mixed up dramatic as it seems, I dont want it to be any different becuase if it werent for the people and the heart break and the girl meets girl drama, I wouldnt have a story to tell or the friends that I have. Im smiling, Im laughing, and Im loving my life and every detail in it.

I am officially a horrible person. Now one may think that this RA basketball captain SGA president girl couldn’t truly have a mean bone in her body but it’s there. I think it is what is hiding under the shattered cynical pieces of my not so whole heart. Some days I feel like the Grinch and Im just waiting to get the part where my heart grows three sizes and bust threw the simplistic x-ray machine that Dr. Seuss created and then there’s the other side of me that thinks that if my heart grows more then it will just break more and the bigger the heart the bigger and harder the puzzle is put back together again.

So back to my being a horrible person. Why am I so horrible, because one of my friends who I have the hugest crush on but can never seem to get her to stick around, just broke up with the boy she chose over me. And I am horrible because I couldn’t be happier. I know she is hurting and she is trying really hard to be this hardass stubborn girl that I know and dare say love but she is hurting. He wrecked her and ruined her faith in love and people for that fact. And now Im sitting here, writing this, staring at my phone thinking maybe she will pick me this time. When she is ready maybe this time I will be worth it, worth the risk. But now I am her. Stuck between this crazy beautiful girl with a stubborn, devious personality, and this boy who is the only boy I’d ever marry. S has been the world to me. We have spent this past week together and Im not quite sure what it all means. He won’t commit to anything but it’s no secret that he and I are this cute fight like we are already married couple who just is. We seem to be everything every other couple has without the label that can seemingly ruin a relationship.

Oh, forgot to mention TB, dumped me, left me complete broken crying at quarter of one to M while S made the twenty minute drive in nine minutes to be with me and make me feel better. So back to S, he’s amazing. And we both enjoy each other’s company. Even B thinks we are cute together. And then there’s this girl. And by now you probably have guessed that this girl, is KC. Yes world, ssshhheee’ssss back. I wasn’t expecting it. I haven’t heard from her in ages and well I had kind of gotten use to her absence, which doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried to contact her cause I definitely did. But out of the blue she texted me. We have been talking all weekend and then today tells me she broke up with the boy that she picked over me, while reminding me that being a helpless romantic wasn’t going to help me win the who is a bigger hard ass me or her contest we now have going. KC is stubborn, obnoxious, devious, challenging, cocky, caring, and hard on the outside warm and fuzzy on the inside. That feeling of maybe she is the girl from me is almost equal to the feeling that I am suppose to ride into the sunset with S. So what do I do, who do I pick.  

I dont have an asnwer at the moment but I do know this.... I like the fact that for the last few days I have done nothing but smile.


Shot twenty: A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks- Charles Gordy

Wife

So this semester has had its highs and lows. C and I are done, and this time it wasnt cause she was walking away. I walked away from her. I said I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt be everything to everyone and have nothing for myself. Thats how I started the semester. Feeling like anything I chose to do for myself would inevitably make my life hell with my friends. The recent thing putting a smile on my face is my girlfriend. What I didnt know is that picking her would lead to me losing the person I cared about most. I get defensive when I feel like I have to pick between being happy and being everything to everyone else. And trust me, ask those who have made me choose and they will tell you that they lost. I am the type of person that feels like I have given everything I have to everyone else, so the one time I take everyones advice and do something for me and it blows up in my face makes me feel angered. I respond to peoples actions, you give me attitude and Ill give it right back. Just ask my parents. Recently, my wife and I have done nothing but fight. Usually we fight about the ducks, stainless steal, and the horrible ex's (or ex interests) in our lives, mostly mine becuase I keep them around. She asked me not to talk about my girlfriend with her when we first started dating, so when TB came to see me and she heard it from another source, she flipped on me. She wouldnt really talk to me and she wouldnt answer her phone and by the time she did i was so irritated it didnt matter. I felt like she was making me pick, it was TB or her. Normally I would pick her anyday of the week, and I have, over and over again. So many people told me she is just a stupid freshmen, that she doesnt understand, and that she is too up in my shit, and my normal responce has been to tell them to fuck off. The world of bay path college has that we were dating or at least fucking, and well little did they know that the only thing her and I were doing was planning out my dream kitchen.

Yet I havent found the right words to explain to her that I am truely happy. I dont feel like I owe TB anything or have to live up to her standard. She makes me feel loved in a way that K couldnt. K loves me as her wife which translates to best friend that we can live together forever if we dont find that perfect relationship. TB is the other part of that puzzle. K thinks that I am going to leave her and she keeps giving me reason to runaway but honestly she can push as hard as she want and im not going anywhere, i just wish she believed me. I know her friends dont get it, and think that Im not putting an effort into it but what they dont get and I hate to say this but because they are freshmen, they havent figured it all out. Wait till next year when they all live in seperate places and with different people. It becomes hard to balance your friends, and when your group of friends divide and your stuck in the middle where do you go, and on top of all of that you are playing superwoman to a mall all womens college and being everything to everyone. Thats when coming over at 1:00 am isnt so crazy. I havent seen K in ages and it sucks. I miss her. I miss us just laying there watching the nanny and her picking on me for my endless laughter at fran and niles, but Im scared to see her. I dont want to hurt her by being all glowy and gushy over TB.

I know she has my back and wouldnt leave me but in the past few weeks I have felt abandoned by her, and that for the first time I couldnt tell my best friend everything. And that feeling needs to go away. This all needs to change, but I dont know how to get us back without us both being defensive and hurt.

Seniors

Dear Seniors,
We left high school four years ago, with a plan, or at least I know I did. I remember walking through the door to room 403, seeing my roommate for the first time, and thinking here we go. Before I knew it my parents were gone and it was just me and my soon to be closest friends. We were all so close, nothing seperated us, we were our own little crew, and no body did anything alone. We rolled down that hallway in the rolly chairs, kept a lizard in the closet, played games in the hall, yell from room to room cause we didnt want to get up, sat with eachother while guys were douches, and for me I was finally able to come out. Ill never forget that night and JT telling me Ill love you no matter who you love. We left freshmen year saying we would be besties forever and while that didnt work out there are few of us that are still here, still making our mark on bay path college. Although our group is seperated we all still have those memories that will be with us forever. Then next two years would fly by and now in our senior year we are all looking back and thinking about what was and what we could have done. There are people we know and there are people we wouldnt know from a whole in the wall. There are those that have hurt us, left us, loved us, and cared about us, there are those that will always be there and those that only hang around for the moment. Forgive and Forget, dont dwell on the past, and remember the words Dr. Suess: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, because those who mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind."

"You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, You can steer yourself in any direction you choose" Go forth into your future, dont hold back, and dream with everything you have. I challenge you all to look in the mirror. What do you see? Your all probably thinking that you see yourself, but I challenge you to look pass the reflection, and see if you see the same girl that walked on to campus four years ago. Im not the same girl and neither are my friends, we have all changed and grown into amazing people and now after changing bay path, it is our turn to change the world. But never forget where you came from and the place we have all called home, and remember should you get lost amoungst your travels, the path will always be here with the light on incase you get tired of being gone.

<3 me

catch up

Okay here is whats been going on in my life, everything you probably wanted to know but didnt want to know all at the same time. So my friends are good kinda.

C and I have had  our ups and downs this past few weeks, and we are good now but we still have to learn how to communicate with eachother. I am the type of person where I dont say what I need and I just kinda let things happen and never ask for anything. I dont say when I need things and when I do need things I go inside myself or I relay only people who already know whats going on. Basically the night I messed my knee up was the same day that really hard for me and well after that weekend from hell, S came over and really treated like a queen. C and I were fighting and the entire bus ride home from the games and then we were fighting because C needed me and I needed S. It was a miscommunitcation and we have since fixed it but we are still working on things, and now C is home and I am home and I hate that she isnt right down the hall cause being home sucks.

K and I are stilll trying to work on things. We are still married, but things have gotten hard. K likes me, I know she does, and she and I are both trying not cross that line because we know its not going to happen. Dating K would be easy, it would be easy for us to do, but it wouldnt be fair. I dont feel the same way she does and I cant do that to her. I love her and I would do anything for her but I couldnt date her nor would I subject her to the horribleness that is dating me. Trust me K, you dont want to date me. I hope our marriage works becuase I really like my wife and I really want to keep her.

JT and L. I miss my girls. I miss all the time we spent together, so my new years resolution is to spend more time with them.

As you probably gathered from my previous posts, T and I arent talking. It took me ages to figure out what we were actually fighting about and once I did I know it was a big misunderstanding. Somethings are just better left misunderstood. Im not going to explain it, but I miss her. I know we dont have anything, but I do miss her. I miss the feeling of her arms around me but I dont miss the walking on egg shells feeling I had with her. Now its just me and basketball, and her and basketball, and that probably a good thing. I hope we can fix us, but I dont have the energy to fight her or fight with her. You win some you lose some, Im just going to let this one work itself out.
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So love. I quit. I quit girls. haha who am I kidding. KC is being KC. She is a douche. I finally got the memo that she is a douche and I deserve better, and right now she is playing the I am trying to be straight card and honestly Ill let her ride that one out for a while cause I dont really feel like telling her yeah no your gay. But then again everyone says that about me and I still hold out on me and S.

And now I am currently watching the Nanny and eating cookies and oh studying for final exams. FUCK MY LIFE. I dont get the girl instead I get a knee injury, a stomach virus, a sinus infection, and now I finally can take my exams and guess what I dont want too!!!   I wish there was more to tell you about my life. oh except 100%  sober I told E that her gf didnt have to worry about E hooking up with a boy because if she did hook up with anyone it would be me. I dont know what got into me but well E was speachless and on top of it all, she didnt say anything. Maybe the break will be a little more interesting.

letter to the parentals

Dear Parents!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL!!!! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ASK ME IF IM HAPPY AND IF NOT WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY??? ITS NOT THAT HARD. PLEASE JUST BE THE PARENTS WE BOTH WANT YOU TO BE AND LOVE ME FOR ME, NOT FOR WHO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.

this includes accepting my major, my grad program, oh and my sexual orintation... just saying!

<3 your daughter

things to remember about 2010

Things to remember about 2010

1. Kamp
2. Basketball 2010-2011
3. 21st birthday
4. Rome
5. KC
6. Nights with scott.
7. ABBIE!
8. times with C
9. JT and A engagement party
10. Drinks with M and BB
11. Times with wright hall RAs
12. Shopping with Jess and Laurel (platos :D)
13. Running
14. Nanny with Kayla
15. "You are the only exception" even now.

forgetting 2010

Forgetting 2010

1. I worked hard to not be that girl. I really tryed not to be the girl that fall for the girl from home and never lett it ago and for awhile i was doing that just that. We are friends. Could we be more yeah? Am I waiting for more? I dont know. I dont know what I want from her and thats a good feeling
2. Fighting with T. Its all we do is fight. I really dont want to fight with her. Im not even forcing anything anymore because I just cant anymore. I cant fight with her anymore, I dont have it in me to fight anymore. I cant make her love basketball for all the reasons I do, I cant make her look at me and make her feel about me how i feel about her. She makes my heart jump. everything about that girl makes my head spin, and its too much. 
3. I want to forget what I know, and remember what I feel. 
4. GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! is the only thing that matters right now.  

giddy

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

gone

Gone. This semester is almost over. grad school is approaching. friends are getting married, getting appartments, going off into the real world, and where I am? What I am I doing? Grad school, more school, more money, more time, that everyone seems to tell me its not worth. Escaping this place, escaping this world, is exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. Im done here, Ive done all I can and all I want to, but this place has been my home, this is where I found me and where I lost me, and leaving a place that is such a part of me is scary. There will be those that I miss, those that mattered then but will not matter later, and those that I simply cant wait to forget. Forgetting wont be easy or simple, but if its whats best, then it is what it is. And maybe its not forgetting, its just getting past everything that was and moving on to what is.

The Darlings

So C and I watch this show called dirty sexy money, which is about this family named the Darlings. The Darlings are filthy rich, obnoxiously spoiled, and the drama in thier life makes me glad that it is not my life. The drama in this show is crazy. It makes my life look pretty. Oh my life, what is my life. My life includes girls that disappear like the sun on a rainy day, crazy amount of homework, and friends that keep life totally interesting. On top of all the when I need a car most, I get in an accident and mess my car royally. I cant help but feel like not having my car is the worlds way of telling me I cant go running everytime she needs me. Now I cant go see her and I would be there at the drop of a hat and now I cant. I cant be there and its not only killing me its killing her, or at least she seems to. I called her sweetie and well I cant cause she hates the term and my other option was babe but I feel like that wouldnt go over well.  So the Darlings are these fictional characters that just live. They hide behind their money and power, but they live. Its all secretative and they keep it all from eachother but each one of them is just trying to live. And that is what life is. Its about living.


In the mist of watching this show an emotional moment came up and I found myself doing something I dont normally do. I was feeling something. I miss her. And for the first time the her I was missing was KC. I miss the idea of her, the thought of her potentially thinking about me. I miss her name being on my caller id, I miss her random texts of hey sam, I just miss her. I cant explain it and I dont understand it, but I miss her. And after how things ended I figure Ill never know what will be, but not knowing is killing me. Not knowing what could have happened is eating away at me. Ive written her letters and I just wish I had the balls to send them, and I know that texting her is a complete waste of my time because she wont ever answer me back, and when I see her when we play them, Im going to want nothing more than to grab her face and kiss her but I wont, Ill let T beat her up and gaurd her and hopefully get the chance to lay her on her ass long enough to extend my hand and tell her she should have picked me. And well she should have, and if she were to text me in three weeks from now or even two months from now, I know the story, I already know what I would do, say, feel, and I could write the story. She comes back, I swoon over her, get my hopes up, and well when things look good, too good, it will all vanish. The dopey grin on my face will last the length it take the sand to drain from the timer in my crainum game. And maybe thats what I miss most, that feeling she gave me, she made me feel alive.


Shot sixteen... Living and alive are two different things.

tree

I'm laying here looking out my window, which allows me to see everyone individual walking from their dorm room to Blake, and there are some i know and some who I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. And I figure most people are like that. Hiding who they are, how they feel, and what they truly want to say, hoping that everyone just lets them keep walking. And then theres this tree, and for the last four years that I have been in my boss's office i have noticed this tree and each fall I fall in love with it more and more. Its fiery red leaves that at this moment are clinging the the tree and those that have fallen have managed to survive maintenance need to suck up ever sign of fall. Its these dark fiery red leaves that catch my eye every time I look out my window. The color reminds me of the color of the Cali Lillie's I want to hold at my wedding while the coldness of fall reminds me of the coldness of peoples heart and their disappearing acts. But all the same this tree still stands, it blows in the wind, lets some of the pieces fall and whenever I look back at it in the spring it will all be put together again, its kinda how Id like to view the human heart. It might get stomped on, squished, torn to shreds, and bleed a whole hell of a lot, but given time and the warmth of others (in the tree's case, spring) it heals and becomes hole.