comfort

There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

emotion

abandoned

helpless

alone

pathetic

hurt

broken

bruised

anxious

angry

dissapointed

decieved

worthless

meaningless

Fuck You Callahan

Pay back

I'm seeing KC for the first time in 14 hours and I don't know what I feel. I just want to smack her hell I want to T to smack her and at this point I know that T still dislikes her in which case I know KC is lucky she isn't playing case pay back is a bitch.

Bring it Elms!!!

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

faith

If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.

Trial and Error

KC makes my anxiety increase. Not because she has done anything bad but because she always leaves. She gives me this dorky retarded look on my face but at the end of the day i know she will leave. So the elephant is back and its annoying. Why it that this happens? I know this time I have a reason but previously I didn't. Now most would say eliminate the anxiety cause, well I cant. I cant eliminate KC because she makes me do the giddy school girl thing that I haven't done since I was in middle school and I want her to be there. I want her to be apart of my life and to be more to me than just someone I see when we compete against each other. She is always on my mind, maybe not in the front of it or right there, but in the back corner, there's always KC. Always making me think maybe I should text her, even if its just a "Hey, I hope you are having a good day" or "good luck in your game." KC and I haven't spoken since Monday night and out of the blue she texted me today. Just like back in may..."Hey Sam". This thing is I was on a break from my class in the dungeon and so I could have a full convo with her and now I'm sitting in class wondering if she'll be there when I get out....

Well I'm out of class now and I'm still talking to her... she told me she "missed me". My instincts say question everything. I mean what gives, after everything we talked about, she misses me. How do you miss me if you just want to be friends and don't want anything else. Its not like she has made some dramatic effort to talk to me and I haven't really been there. Every time this happens I end up the one sitting here hoping to hear from her, hoping that this time she wont bail, wont disappear, and will want to be something somehow with me, and each time I never get that. I get this illusion that it might just work and then poof, its like haha wishful thinking. Is it stupid to think it will be different this time? or ever? Am I setting myself up to get hurt and be disappointed again? I wish there was a way to know all the answers cause trial and error is getting old.

Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change

Shot Twelve: Just hang on....

Anxiety... you suck...

Dearest anxiety,
Please go away. I hate you, and you never come when I think I should be anxious. You just show up and then you dont go away. I dont know how to fix you, why you happen, or how to make you stop, I just know that I feel like you are sitting on my chest and telling me that breathing is over rated. So please take your elephant sized ass off my chest and move on...


Struggling to breathe,
<3Me

choas

So this week has been seriously crazy. Ive been go go go all day everyday. Basketball preseason has begun and I am loving every minute of it. We have a lot of talent and its exciting to have a group of girls that truly want to play as a team. J is truly my motivator and always keeps me laughing. KB and I have been waiting for this for the last two years and we are laying everything out there. Risk nothing gain nothing right?

On a totally different note, I have truly realized that no matter what you never realize how much something means to you until its almost gone. Two girls that I was friends with got into a serious car accident, and in panic they called me. I don't know why but I really like knowing that they felt they could call me. Their okay now but the last thing I heard when they called was no you cant fall asleep. And that was scary, really scary. You can never really anticipate those kind of phone calls and I never thought I would be hearing something like that. I know it sounds crazy but it makes you appreciate what you have and how quickly it can be taken away. To add to the stress of my week, the anxiety I was feeling earlier in the week didn't go away till late Monday. And it might have just gone away because I was masking it with something else. My something else... i told a friend that i was feeling really anxious and that i just need her to come and chat and make me feel better, and well she couldn't do that. And it wasn't that she couldn't, she didn't want to because she wanted to go out and have a beer. To make matters worse yesterday she was all pissy with me cause I didn't want to go out. I believe I a reasonable excuse but she still treated me like shit. Now, I don't know how to tell her I am angry with her or how to tell her that I am not the teddy bear that she can kick around and then hold when she has a nightmare.

"Lately, nothing I do, ever seems to please you
And maybe, turning my back would be that much easier'
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away"

Lost....

I'd like to say I was lost in the moment, if there was actually a moment. But today there was no moment, no moment of aha, no moment of happiness. The past 48 hours I have been really anxious and I dont know why. I wish I knew why, but at the moment I just want to cry and I cuddle or just feel something other than this stupid anxiety. For some reason no matter what I do I cant shake this feeling. I cant shake this feeling that I messed everything up.