comfort

There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

Letter to Someone

First of all I'd like to say FUCK YOU! Fuck you and your bullshit. Fuck you and your games. Fuck you and your meaningless words. You said you wouldnt leave till I wanted you too. You said that you wanted to be apart of my life. You said you liked me. You lied. Just like before you lied. Well guess what I lied to. You said you were waiting for me to find someone else who was better than you and I said that I didnt know if and when that would happen but guess what, I did. I found someone better. She makes me happy. She makes me do that same dopey girl grin that you used to give me. She will take care of me. She wont make me cry. And she wont leave me in the dark waiting to see if she will be gone before I know it. Best of all, she cares about me. But guess what, and this is what makes me more pathetic than you, I still care about you. I still like you. You still give me butterflies. You still make me nervous. I still light up when your name was on my caller id. And I'd still wait for you.

So you lasted a week and two days this time. Congratulations. Better than you've ever done before. Should we throw you a party? I can get you a balloon? All sarcasm aside. You suck. You suck for hurting me over and over again. And I, the stupid girl, let you. I'm done being the girl you shit on. Im done being the girl you try to figure out who you like. I'm just done. It hurts to much to look at you, to think about you, to dream about you, or at least it use too. But not this time. This time you left me with nothing but anger. You said you werent worth crying over and you are right. You already walked out the door and I hope it didnt hit you too hard on the way out. So enjoy your ex. I hope it works I truely do. I hope he doesnt hurt you and if he does I hope you learn enough to walk away and say enough is enough. Dont be me. Dont give second chance after second chance because you'll end up crying over somone who isnt worth it, just like me. This is where I walk away.

Thankful

"Come Lord Jesus, lets be bless, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen"

This is my familys prayer and it has been in my family for decades, and honestly I never thought Id ever have a connection to it like I do right now. The gift is life. The ability to hang out with friends and family, go to school, play sports, have fun, and just be. For the last two days I have been in a funk, in a mood, and this mood included feeling of anger, fear, frustration, and irratation. Now I play basketball better when I am angry but me playing angry and frustrated and irratated is not a good compo and I have been playing this way for the last two days and I cant shake it. I am in pain. My body is crapping out on me, my basketball team is falling apart at the seems, and the few things that I have going well in my life contradict one another. I learned today that one of my friends slipped on ice hit her already damaged head, broke two ribs, and was having seizures last night, and suddenly my prespective on everything changed. As much as this can all be over in a minute, all we have to live for is now, but pushing till the max will only increase the risk of not being able to live the life you want to live in the future. So for now I am greatful and thankful that she is okay and eventually with time will be better than okay. Now may be the time to put me first. To put basketball on the back burner and focus on the future. Focus on being able to walk down the isle and chase my kids around. What is more important? Walking in the future or basketball now?

FFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK

AHHHHHH!!!!! EPIC FAIL!!! Literally, EPIC FAIL!!! Damn it!

Blasting my music ridiculously loud on the bus trying to get my head totally focused on the game. Elms. The team to beat, the team to piss off, the girl that got away. I got of the bus blasting Riot by Three Days Grace, and walked in the gym with my total pissed off game face on, and I thought it would get me through. It failed. I knew from the moment I walked in she was there and that when it started. I tried to keep it together but I couldnt do it. I ended up crying in the bathroom and taking a mini walk to clear my head. KB's boyfriend met me in the hall and was like,"its okay clear your head and play your game." So then KB and I went to warm up right near her. She didnt even look at me and I think that hurt more. After the game, was probably the most nerve wracking because that would be the first time we would be eye to eye. After the exchange of good games, KB and I ran over to RJ our old coach who came to watch us play. It was good to have that distraction, to have something else to focus on. After the game, I was holding the door for some of the Elms people and KC walked by said thanks and I totally ignored her. I didnt know what to say or do. I just stood there like a deer in the head lights.

We got on the bus and I looked at my phone there was a text from her saying she was sorry. I freaked. She is sorry, she doesnt even know what she did to me to even start to say sorry. And we get to do take two of this whole thing on the 20th. I dont know if I can take the anxiety but I want nothing more that to beat the shit out of Elms, look good doing it, and make KCs head turn.

Till then its love and basketball.... and I hate that I dont hate her.

Shot 18- I hate that I dont hate you

Pay back

I'm seeing KC for the first time in 14 hours and I don't know what I feel. I just want to smack her hell I want to T to smack her and at this point I know that T still dislikes her in which case I know KC is lucky she isn't playing case pay back is a bitch.

Bring it Elms!!!

catch up

Okay here is whats been going on in my life, everything you probably wanted to know but didnt want to know all at the same time. So my friends are good kinda.

C and I have had  our ups and downs this past few weeks, and we are good now but we still have to learn how to communicate with eachother. I am the type of person where I dont say what I need and I just kinda let things happen and never ask for anything. I dont say when I need things and when I do need things I go inside myself or I relay only people who already know whats going on. Basically the night I messed my knee up was the same day that really hard for me and well after that weekend from hell, S came over and really treated like a queen. C and I were fighting and the entire bus ride home from the games and then we were fighting because C needed me and I needed S. It was a miscommunitcation and we have since fixed it but we are still working on things, and now C is home and I am home and I hate that she isnt right down the hall cause being home sucks.

K and I are stilll trying to work on things. We are still married, but things have gotten hard. K likes me, I know she does, and she and I are both trying not cross that line because we know its not going to happen. Dating K would be easy, it would be easy for us to do, but it wouldnt be fair. I dont feel the same way she does and I cant do that to her. I love her and I would do anything for her but I couldnt date her nor would I subject her to the horribleness that is dating me. Trust me K, you dont want to date me. I hope our marriage works becuase I really like my wife and I really want to keep her.

JT and L. I miss my girls. I miss all the time we spent together, so my new years resolution is to spend more time with them.

As you probably gathered from my previous posts, T and I arent talking. It took me ages to figure out what we were actually fighting about and once I did I know it was a big misunderstanding. Somethings are just better left misunderstood. Im not going to explain it, but I miss her. I know we dont have anything, but I do miss her. I miss the feeling of her arms around me but I dont miss the walking on egg shells feeling I had with her. Now its just me and basketball, and her and basketball, and that probably a good thing. I hope we can fix us, but I dont have the energy to fight her or fight with her. You win some you lose some, Im just going to let this one work itself out.
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So love. I quit. I quit girls. haha who am I kidding. KC is being KC. She is a douche. I finally got the memo that she is a douche and I deserve better, and right now she is playing the I am trying to be straight card and honestly Ill let her ride that one out for a while cause I dont really feel like telling her yeah no your gay. But then again everyone says that about me and I still hold out on me and S.

And now I am currently watching the Nanny and eating cookies and oh studying for final exams. FUCK MY LIFE. I dont get the girl instead I get a knee injury, a stomach virus, a sinus infection, and now I finally can take my exams and guess what I dont want too!!!   I wish there was more to tell you about my life. oh except 100%  sober I told E that her gf didnt have to worry about E hooking up with a boy because if she did hook up with anyone it would be me. I dont know what got into me but well E was speachless and on top of it all, she didnt say anything. Maybe the break will be a little more interesting.

dont care

There are somethings we will never understand and cant possibly expect to. The things people do and say and they way the act might blow our minds but there is nothing we can do about it. We cant fix it, cant force them to see it our way, and sometimes its more than just a difference of opinion. My friends and I dont always see eye to eye and when we disagree on something its usually a difference of opinion. We discuss it and its done. Over the weekend I learned that you cant force passion. No matter what you say you cant get people to feel the way you feel about something. And as I right this I realized that I am truly sensoring what I am saying to avoid confrontation which drives me nuts. I dont know. I dont understand where you get off. But its done. We're done. I dont care anymore.

You can either throw in the towel, or use it to wipe off your sweat.

you decide

douche!

dear ref,
thank you for your doucheness.... now because of you and your attitude i cant put my full weight on my knee and I am on crutches and constant pain. Oh and your comments of encouragement can go suck it, because ice and ibprophin will not fix this and asking how my knee is when Im gimmping over on crutches will only increase your chances of getting beaten.

royally pissed,
my pcl ligament

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

stage left

 I know I said that you were making hard for me to be mad at you, but that doesnt mean Im not mad all the same. This is when you come in with your big beating heart of yours and try to fix it. So enter stage left and get on that shit. Dont be one of those girls who just dont get it.

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

Bubbles

What the Fuck!!!! Why cant I keep this girl around? Why cant for once, just once, she stick around long enough for me to show her that I am worth it. I am worth hanging around for. KC gives me bubbles, giddy smiles, and makes me do that dork smile that no one has seen in a while. So now what? What do you do when you are falling for someone who doesnt stick around long enough for you to enjoy their company. Everything seemed perfect with KC. I saw her last night and it was worth it, ever minute of freezing my ass off at the game was worth it. Especially for those hugs. Maybe my card and flower were over kill. maybe she is just bailing again. or maybe just maybe she is just busy with life and Im over thinking things. I dont know. I do know i get to see her again on saturday, and hopefully she will hug me and Ill go back to cloud nine.

faith

If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.

kick this

And the kicker lines up and... Kicks my day to shit. Fuck it


Shot Eleven: Invest in new play writer...

White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    




I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.


"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"


Shot Eight: Stop surrendering...