Scrabble

My girlfriend is like the game scrabble. Her and I are addicted to the game, and we even play each other. Its kind of pathetic cause we cheat when we play bonnie and rebecca. There is this Ipod app called descrambler and its amazing, and the difference between the game and my girlfriend is that she doesnt come with an ipod app or a daters manual. And in all fairness neither do I and I am probably equally as complicated as she is.

Me: I need attention. Not lots of it and not full on PDA make the world vomit, but I need affection and attention. Small touches, light kisses, a hey baby or hey babe. Little things like that make my world go round. I have two rules: Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me good night. I need to cuddle and wont sleep well knowing the person i love is next to me and not cuddling with me.

Her: She doesnt talk. If she is mad she wont talk to me. it takes a lot to break this girls walls down and most time you wont get a straight answer from her becuase opening up really isnt her thing. Direct question. Prying digging and knowing when she is bullshitting you are good skills to have. Followed by knowing that apparently when she says no doesnt always mean no and that if I am asking for her to kiss me I should just do it. (damn nike slogan)

What had happened was.....

Miscommunication
anger
frustration
tears
confusion
more tears
and more tears
pasionate kisses
wrestling in the front yard (i have hidden strength)
food
and yes blogging world wonderfully fabulous make up sex! (i can already tell you her responce to this... really babe?, but yes really. it was amazing and definately needed)

Aside from the TMI, things are good now and we are better. Before all of this I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her but it wasnt till all of this that I realized how much I wanted to be with her and how much I loved her and needed her...

yiaernayhbtnakmuyiwbinharoy (descramble that!)

Better Than That

My friend C told me: "I think I've finally figured the answer to why bad things happen to good people: To test our patience, limitations, strength, courage and emotions. Because if shitty things happen to good people, imagine the good things that happen to shitty people? they are still miserable in the best of times and will NEVER learn the emotion called ...apperciation. Because when shitty things happen to good people we have to pull through, because that's what being human is all about: pulling through when times get hard, and knowing when its over, that you and only you did it. and being able to stand behind that. whole heartly. thought I would share my light bulb of the night. ♥ "

 

This makes me think of my girlfriends ex, even though ive had my fair share of shitty stuff, my heart actually goes out to this girl. It isnt a secret that I am not her number one fan, and she has said some nasty stuff about me and my relationship, but this girl deserves more. She has a one year old, who is the cutest little thing imaginable, and she does it. All by herself she does it. She supports herself and her son. She supports her mom. And she doesnt really ask for anything. She works hard. Recently, she got screwed over by her car dealership who Im pretty purposely broke her car cause it is vermont and all. On top of that she is going through a really tough time and her, well we will just call him "Thing", is not only being a douche but he is treating her worse then the whale poop in the movie shark tales. Like I said, i dont totally like her, and I dont totally trust her, but after everything even she doesnt deserve that.

 

I told her that she deserves better and that she can do better than "thing" but she is so down in the dumps that she thinks that she cant. But she can. Its not like she is some hideous creature or something. Not my type but she could still find someone better. She deserves someone who is kind, caring, and understanding. This girl is complicated and messy, but I think that once you get past all the "fuck my life, Im bitter, and angry, down right depressed" there is someone who is funny, caring, and sweet. Now I know she has anger issues so she needs someone to match that and keep her calm when things get to hyped up but I swear blogging world she isnt a bad girl.

 

So basically... If she makes a move on my girl ill kill her, but if "thing" keeps this up ill kill for her too. Women, we are weird.

The Untold Story

So I have decided to tell the untold story of how I feel in love with Ms Candice Michelle Clark. Why you might ask, because it seems to be exactly like the fairy tales. My aunt has always told me that you cant go looking for love that it has to come and find you, and well that's exactly what happened. I wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a nameless relationship with S when everything changed. CC and I had met before, when she was dating (secretly) MB, we never talked, friends on facebook but never anything more. When MB got pregnant CC did everything, and trust me after all the shit she has been I'm surprised she isn't a bitter emotionless person. Randomly, she messaged me, and at the time I didn't think much of it. We chat and chatted and I gave her my number and then it went from there.

Valentines Day- TB had dumped my ass, I was a mess, and CC decided to come down and cheer me up with MB. We texted the whole time she was there, and the brief time we were in the same room alone i wanted nothing more then to jump her bones. She was amazing. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry, made me smile when I didn't want to, and eased my anger and anxiety. During the time where we were hanging out, me, CC, MB, and wife, I was trying to figure out if CC and MB had gotten back together. Secretly hoping to god that they hadn't.

The baby shower. MB's  baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.

At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.

A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut.  At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!

Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.

The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.


The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.

And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"

I love you.

love

I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...

Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.

That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a  million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.

Double standards

Double standards honestly piss me off, and there are a few in my life that I don't like to live by. The first being that anything my brother does is okay but if I do it its not. But that's beef i have to take up with the ever so loving parental units. My next peeve is in relationships. Over and over again I have been told that talking to my ex's hurts my current girlfriend CC, and she has been told the same. We have both been told to cut out the exes in order to keep our relationship standing and surviving. Another friend , BD, is in a similar boat. Her girl gets pissed that she talks to her ex and in order to keep the relationship she keeps her friendship with her ex a secret from her girl. I understand this too. I fully believe that a significant other doesn't get to tell you who to be friends with and a conversation is just a conversation but i also know that i wouldn't pick any of my exes over CC and i get why she doesn't like them.

All of my exes once had a part of me, whether they had all of me or some of me they had a part of me. And some of them will always remain in my heart and I will always care about them and care about what happens to them but that doesn't mean i would ever go back to dating them. there is a reason that we didn't work, whether it was them, me, timing, or just plain imperfection, it didn't work for its own reasons and that is nothing to go back too.

Two of my close friends are both dealing with this issue. And I get it, from both sides I get it. I get where A is coming from in that exes cause stress because they once had you. They once knew everything you were thinking and feeling and that continuing talking to them may mean that you are telling them more then you are telling your actual girlfriend. Also, keeping and ex close kind of gives them the upper hand. Anytime the girlfriend screws up they learn what not to do and if they want to win you back they can. And there's more to this. its not just about control or jealousy and often it has nothing to do with either. Its about being in a relationship with you not with you and your ex. However from the other side I see that too. I am notorious for being friends with my exes and that is because at one point or another they were there when i felt i had no one. That being said I will repeat that i will not be leaving CC for any of my exes.

My advice: Just talk to your partner, make sure they feel loved, and confident in your relationship, then bring in the exes. This is one case where keep your friends close and your enemies closer doesn't apply. If something is going to ruin your happily ever after then its not worth keeping the poison around.

Hahnology

1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?.....I guess soo
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.

4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.

5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all

6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness

8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings

10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep

11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know

12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous

14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely

16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years

17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn

19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike

21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)

23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day

24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies

25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have

28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive

29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments

31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn

32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.

33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes

35) Do you type fast?...... kinda

36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.

37) Want any more?.... no

38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather

40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea

43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes

46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes

50) What should you be doing ?.... homework

51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling

53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies

54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp

57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.

60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget

66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes



67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit

73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)

74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.

76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it

78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too

80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.

81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella

88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay

89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do  :)

92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)

94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them

95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name

96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it

103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally

107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I

110) Favourite lyrics right now?....

How many times can I break til I shatter?

Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in

hearts and arrows

"my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds

my feet have left the ground

my life is turning around and round

and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad

oh bows and arrows

stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah

every heartbeat every kiss just

makes me wonder what all this is

suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah"

 And running like mad seems to be exactly what I am doing. I'm really happy with TB, really happy with her and just when things seem to be going in my favor everything falls apart. This past week I have been miserable. Id like to chalk it up to being a hormonal female but I feel like that isnt an option for me. I feel like Im taking that good thing in my life and putting it to the test. Can she deal with this? Can she handle me? Can she deal with the distance? Better question, can I? I thought I could, I mean Ive done it before with relationships in Albany and Portland and Ive never felt like this. Ive never missed someone this much, or felt so much anger at a mere three hours. Maybe this is how it is suppose to feel when you are being true to yourself and following your heart. My recent debate: I want to feel wanted and sometime I feel like Im just a bother to TB than someone she actually wants to be with. Now I know (after last nights conversation) that this isnt true but it still sucks and I know that just like the song, my head is telling me to run like mad but with every heart beat every kiss just makes me wonder what all this is. And right now this is like the snow, its going to stick around for awhile.  

fears and tears

I dont cry. Correction: I cry on two occations, the first being whenever I am in physical pain and the second being during whatever sappy tv show i am watching. Its usually that tv show that triggers every other emotion that I have kept all bottled up.

During my crying stint tonight (thank you Dawsons season 4) I have come to a few conclusions.

E- You are the best and the worst of me. I use to say that my true love and my best friend were one in the same and now I think that my best friend is just that my best friend. True love aside whether that is true or not you are one of my best friends and I love you. And that is scary and terrifying and almost life changing except you no long hold my entire heart and for that i am not sorry.

KC- I wish I knew how to quit you. Except that long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and thousand watt smile bring right back to where you have part of my heart that completely ruins me. You my dear have completely ruined me. I want to stand in front of you and tell you that you have to pick. You have to pick, you either get me the girl who fell for everything about you or the girl that turns around and walks away, because I cant be both. But the thing is you cant have me. Its too late. Im gone.

TB- In one short week you have become my world. I go to sleep thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you, and everything in between. I can be myself around you, curse words and burping included. But the truth is I miss you. More than i have ever missed anyone. I miss talking to you for hours and hours about random shit, i miss falling asleep with your arms wrapped around me, I just miss you.  I am falling for you hard and faster than anyone else, and I think about a future with you and it seemest to be the only part about my life that doesnt scare me. Grad school scares me, graduating scares me, thinking about a future with you is the one thing that doesnt leave me terrified. But you have to understand something about you being so far away, i am going to miss you. I am going to have days where I just want my girlfriend, and there are going to be days that i just need some tender loving care. But you picked me and all my crazyness, and it suck knowing that when i hang up that phone with you tonight my eyes will once more tear up in fear that i might not be enough.

11.5 hours

Have you ever had that person that just completely takes you from whatever state of mind you are in and just brings you back to that state of relaxation? Well I do. I wasnt sure at a first becuase I didnt think that I had been with her long enough to know if that was possible but this weekend was the test. We had a 7.5 hour power outage at school. No power. No heat. No water. No food. There was no answer if and when it was going to fix and I was on duty in a completely blacked out building. After a really long day, being stressed and exhausted the last thing I wanted was to be on duty and the only thing I wanted was my girlfriend. There is a lot of stress involving my girlfriend, considering her ex is a meadling bitch, and my best friend K hates her with a firey passion that is constantly fueled by gas, but in the mist of all my emotions I was pleased to find that all I wanted was for her to hurry up and be here. She got here at 12:15 am and had to leave by 11:30 am the next day and even though she was here for a short period of time it was the best 11.5 hours of my weekend, and we spent 8.5 of it sleeping. (really sleeping!) It felt good to be laying in her arms, have her kiss my forehead, and just relax and laugh. To add to my enjoyment, I posted a facebook status that said bed with her and then her ex's facebook status stated I fucking hate you... and well her and I pulled eachother closer and had a good laugh.

Driving home this morning I realized two things about the girl that was speeding away from me, unintentially of course. The first being that I was happy. really happy. And the second is that I am falling for this girl. And I am falling fast. And I have no intention of stopping this feeling because it feels GREAT!

Shot Nineteen: Dont apply the brakes. Free Falling is a good thing.

Pixie Dust

All it takes is faith and trust... I know through all the maddness its hard to believe that there are things in this world that just dont get to me. I may bitch, moan, and whine about the different aspects of my life but all in all I'm one tough cookie. A lot of things dont get to me. Id like to think that I can pull off this image of strong willed stubborn unphased by shit personality and on most days it works but behind all of that is just a girl. A girl that gets hurt (a lot) and cries (a little) and just wants to feel like she is the only girl in the world.  There are two girls that I thought were girls that I was the only girl. KC and TB. To KC I am the only girl in the world, I am her dirty little secret, I am the one that can turn her head but she is to scared to admit she likes girls. Its whatever with KC. Her and I are friends, we discussed all of our shit and we just chat her and there but other than that we have nothing. And then there is TB, who until now I have kept out of my blog because I want to keep her to myself. Her ex is psycho and obsessive and likes to cause trouble. She messaged me on facebook and things all went down hill. She told me that TB was a cheater and a liar and that she was still seeing her. I lost it on TB. I dont believe this girl becuase I really like TB, and I dont know what to think sometimes. Im so use to having people leave, having people mistreat me, and having people lie to me. I want nothing more than to believe everything that comes out of her beautifully plump lips and to trust her bright blue eyes but everytime I get comfortable and confident in her and I, someone comes in and tries to fuck all that up. I trust her. I like her. I believe in her and most importantly I believe in her and I, I just want the world to leave us alone.