honestly...

So last night I finally lost it, and as C would say that implies that I once had it all together. But I really lost it. It was time to run for basketball and again T was late. J and I went to her room where we found her passed out cold, after we saw her I told her to go back to bed and that I wasnt going to make her run, and J and I left her standing there in the hall. As we were walking down the stairs I lost control of all of my emotions. I just started to cry and I think that it probably freaked J out a little bit. I just kept saying to her that I quit, game over, I cant do this anymore. I cant keep wanting something so bad and have no one else want it as much as I do. By the time I got back from the run, met with B, and then came back to my dorm room and actually said the dreaded words... we need to talk. T came over and she just looked at me and said lets have it... and I flipped. I told her I was pissed off, I was so angry at her, and over sleeping wasnt an answer. I get the over sleeping stuff, shit happens, its a mistake but this is it for me. I dont have a next year or another chance at this and for the first time in four yaer basketball is actually meaning more to me than it ever has before. There are so many people in this world/community that dont want us to succeed, we will play in gyms that are freezing cold and turn our lips blue, we dont have a home court, and somedays we even get locked out of our own gym. But heres the thing aobut this team: we have eachother. We have to, and if we are fighting eachother we will lose everything else. We have talent this year, we have a chance, new team, new coach, new dream, but I need everyone. I need her. I need T to be there. I told her I wont beg her to play and that it sucks that as a freshman there was a lot of pressure on her and J. She is good, really good. She has a lot of talent and I can see the passion and love she has for this game in her eyes everytime she gets the ball. Its all there, but I need her to be there, not just for me but for our team. I dont beg, I wont get down on my hands and knees and beg her to play, but if she wants to do this she needs to be there. I also told her that one day she would have a freshman just like this and she would be having this conversation and she will remember me. Im not trying to be bitchy to her I just want her to understand that this is my life and basketball and I have a really rough relationship but for once I know after this year I know I am going to miss this... even the running part.


Risk nothing gain nothing... take me or leave me, this is me and most days I might just be a hot mess, but I love passionatly, care too much, and put everyone before me, and most days I wouldnt have it any other way and yesterday that was clear. Honesty will work, i hope.


here to waiting 24 hrs...


Shot Nine: Risk nothing, gain nothing...

White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    




I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.


"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"


Shot Eight: Stop surrendering...