comfort

There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

Letter to Someone

First of all I'd like to say FUCK YOU! Fuck you and your bullshit. Fuck you and your games. Fuck you and your meaningless words. You said you wouldnt leave till I wanted you too. You said that you wanted to be apart of my life. You said you liked me. You lied. Just like before you lied. Well guess what I lied to. You said you were waiting for me to find someone else who was better than you and I said that I didnt know if and when that would happen but guess what, I did. I found someone better. She makes me happy. She makes me do that same dopey girl grin that you used to give me. She will take care of me. She wont make me cry. And she wont leave me in the dark waiting to see if she will be gone before I know it. Best of all, she cares about me. But guess what, and this is what makes me more pathetic than you, I still care about you. I still like you. You still give me butterflies. You still make me nervous. I still light up when your name was on my caller id. And I'd still wait for you.

So you lasted a week and two days this time. Congratulations. Better than you've ever done before. Should we throw you a party? I can get you a balloon? All sarcasm aside. You suck. You suck for hurting me over and over again. And I, the stupid girl, let you. I'm done being the girl you shit on. Im done being the girl you try to figure out who you like. I'm just done. It hurts to much to look at you, to think about you, to dream about you, or at least it use too. But not this time. This time you left me with nothing but anger. You said you werent worth crying over and you are right. You already walked out the door and I hope it didnt hit you too hard on the way out. So enjoy your ex. I hope it works I truely do. I hope he doesnt hurt you and if he does I hope you learn enough to walk away and say enough is enough. Dont be me. Dont give second chance after second chance because you'll end up crying over somone who isnt worth it, just like me. This is where I walk away.

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

tails...

Well tails won. Im walking away. Im not just walking away from KC, Im walking away from everything. Im walking away from finding someone, investing in someone, opening my heart to someone just to learn that its all games and I will never be good enough.


Right now I wish I was invisible. Im blasting my music so I dont have to hear myself think so I dont have to doubt myself but no matter how loud it is I cant stop thinking. Just when i thought things were good and going to be okay and I was okay, this seems to be that this is the last straw, the last blow to the wall i have rebuilt for myself, like going back to the I'd rather feel nothing attitude is the only option. And at this moment, I'd rather feel nothing.

Bubbles

What the Fuck!!!! Why cant I keep this girl around? Why cant for once, just once, she stick around long enough for me to show her that I am worth it. I am worth hanging around for. KC gives me bubbles, giddy smiles, and makes me do that dork smile that no one has seen in a while. So now what? What do you do when you are falling for someone who doesnt stick around long enough for you to enjoy their company. Everything seemed perfect with KC. I saw her last night and it was worth it, ever minute of freezing my ass off at the game was worth it. Especially for those hugs. Maybe my card and flower were over kill. maybe she is just bailing again. or maybe just maybe she is just busy with life and Im over thinking things. I dont know. I do know i get to see her again on saturday, and hopefully she will hug me and Ill go back to cloud nine.

slip away

You asked me how many times I cried,

And the answer is too many

You wanted to know the fear I felt,

And I was scared always,

If I ever let go,

She'd drown on her own

And that was more than I could bare.

Would she wake,

Would she Breathe

Wiping away the tears from her cheek,

Her kiss so sweet

Her touch so soft,

But with every hit

And every shot

She slipped like sand through my fingers.

im done

I wish i could say I was over it

That it didnt hurt to touch you

that listening to your voice didnt make me cry

but every time i decide to stay

all you do is lie...

Today I walked away

and you didnt shout my name,

you didnt ask me to stay,

as the world faded to grey.....

Questions with out answers

empty words,

erie sounds

as our love hit the ground.

Getting up, moving on

this is the end of our song

our good bye

its just sad it ended in a lie