comfort

There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

questions without answers

Im scared. You know I am and you fuel the fear. I know Im blowing it up to be bigger than it is but I also know that I hate that i care because I know that now that I care I cant let you go back there. I cant let you go back into a bad situation even though i wont let you lose everything over me. Im just a stupid girl with stupid feelings that are completely irrelevent to the real world emotions that are in existance. so... now what. do i wait for you? do i pray for you? do i yell? scream? beg? cry?

emotion

abandoned

helpless

alone

pathetic

hurt

broken

bruised

anxious

angry

dissapointed

decieved

worthless

meaningless

Fuck You Callahan

fears and tears

I dont cry. Correction: I cry on two occations, the first being whenever I am in physical pain and the second being during whatever sappy tv show i am watching. Its usually that tv show that triggers every other emotion that I have kept all bottled up.

During my crying stint tonight (thank you Dawsons season 4) I have come to a few conclusions.

E- You are the best and the worst of me. I use to say that my true love and my best friend were one in the same and now I think that my best friend is just that my best friend. True love aside whether that is true or not you are one of my best friends and I love you. And that is scary and terrifying and almost life changing except you no long hold my entire heart and for that i am not sorry.

KC- I wish I knew how to quit you. Except that long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and thousand watt smile bring right back to where you have part of my heart that completely ruins me. You my dear have completely ruined me. I want to stand in front of you and tell you that you have to pick. You have to pick, you either get me the girl who fell for everything about you or the girl that turns around and walks away, because I cant be both. But the thing is you cant have me. Its too late. Im gone.

TB- In one short week you have become my world. I go to sleep thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you, and everything in between. I can be myself around you, curse words and burping included. But the truth is I miss you. More than i have ever missed anyone. I miss talking to you for hours and hours about random shit, i miss falling asleep with your arms wrapped around me, I just miss you.  I am falling for you hard and faster than anyone else, and I think about a future with you and it seemest to be the only part about my life that doesnt scare me. Grad school scares me, graduating scares me, thinking about a future with you is the one thing that doesnt leave me terrified. But you have to understand something about you being so far away, i am going to miss you. I am going to have days where I just want my girlfriend, and there are going to be days that i just need some tender loving care. But you picked me and all my crazyness, and it suck knowing that when i hang up that phone with you tonight my eyes will once more tear up in fear that i might not be enough.

Thankful

"Come Lord Jesus, lets be bless, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen"

This is my familys prayer and it has been in my family for decades, and honestly I never thought Id ever have a connection to it like I do right now. The gift is life. The ability to hang out with friends and family, go to school, play sports, have fun, and just be. For the last two days I have been in a funk, in a mood, and this mood included feeling of anger, fear, frustration, and irratation. Now I play basketball better when I am angry but me playing angry and frustrated and irratated is not a good compo and I have been playing this way for the last two days and I cant shake it. I am in pain. My body is crapping out on me, my basketball team is falling apart at the seems, and the few things that I have going well in my life contradict one another. I learned today that one of my friends slipped on ice hit her already damaged head, broke two ribs, and was having seizures last night, and suddenly my prespective on everything changed. As much as this can all be over in a minute, all we have to live for is now, but pushing till the max will only increase the risk of not being able to live the life you want to live in the future. So for now I am greatful and thankful that she is okay and eventually with time will be better than okay. Now may be the time to put me first. To put basketball on the back burner and focus on the future. Focus on being able to walk down the isle and chase my kids around. What is more important? Walking in the future or basketball now?

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

faith

If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.