funny shit

FEBRUARY 6, 2009 5:31PM
So Funny I did not Change a Word
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This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the viole nt urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , T X

what if

Sitting at my future mother in laws house, because my girlfriend the cop got called into work on her day off and my day off. The plan was to get our new tattoos, go to stoddard to register my card... again. But instead the sheriff called and wants her to work at the courts. Seeing as we are going to his house for dinner tonight and he is her father, saying no wasn't an option. Oh well. I guess this is what comes with dating a cop. Id say it is what it is but it is what it is and it sucks. And she was being all cute and lovey dovey with me. It would have been the perfect day. But Im doing laundry, watching teen mom 2 re-runs, and answering the phones for moms answering service. 

I just. I dont know. Im lonely and Im nervous that I wont be able to pass the AT test or program and that I wont be enough. She is living her dream and her big kid job, but what if I dont make it. What if I fail and lose her in the process? 

listen

I want to lay in bed with you. Rest my head on your shoulder, have you play with my hair and just listen to you talk.

Welcome to the Real World...

Hello world! How have you been?

Me.. well Ive been busy. Plymouth gave us 6 weeks off from school, classes just started on the 30th. Its really weird seeing as everyone from bpc already started weeks ago. Its didnt take long for everyone to pile the work on. Now seeing as these are undergraduate classes one would expect extra work for the grad students taking them, right, right. Well by extra work they mean extra papers, not just presentations. I will be living in the library or glued to my computer for the rest of the semester. I must start making note cards now. First thing Dr. Coker said was this class isnt hard... its damn hard. And she is right, she is like bacon on crack. She talks faster and doesnt stop for breathers. Oh and her books cost a fortune! I need to do some chegg.com research. 

In my nutrition class we are focusing on nutrition...shocker, and dieting. This actually looks like it could be fun. The program we are using actually seems fun and easy to use. It lets you enter in what you eat. Like cereal, but it will actually recognize what type of cereal, like honey combs. We have to incorperate everything... even the sugar in our coffee. I think CC is really going to like this program, along with her new determination/fascination with going to the gym. Still working on that one. Makes me miss the days when i was working out everyday, I think. 

In other news... CC and I are going to North Carolina in like two weeks. Im super pumped! We are leaving after she works on the 15th and I go to class. Then coming back on the 19th. But shhhh dont tell. Its a surprise for her besties. Oh wait she already told them! 

new year

Its crazy to think that this is a new year. It doesnt seem like a new year, it seems just like the old one, minus the promise of the world ending on 12-12-12. Personally I think that 11-11-11 would have been more whimsical. All the same the new year seems the same as the old year. School, work, facebook, gossiping, tv reruns, and the ever promise of at least one good movie this year.

Id say I pledge for a different year but honestly i liked how last year ended. I ended the year with an amazing girlfriend, amazing friends, and an amazing new chapter in my life. So instead Im looking at it differently, which isnt to say that i havent made a news years resolution because i have but Im viewing the new year as a chance to work on being happier and healthier while living the life I have imagined for myself, not the life others have imagined for me.

News year Resolution= Telling parental units that Im gay.

Life plan= work hard, study harder, laugh till it hurts to breathe, and love like crazy

Tuna

I love my job and my co-workers, all but one. She gets under my skin but seeing as she is an "expert" and a MOD every now and then she kind of demands a little bit of respect or at least she did. No one at the store likes this girl but it was mostly that she got on everyone's  nerves thing rather than a huge issue, until now.

Issue one: CC and I went on break at the same time so she cornered CC in the warehouse, yelled at her, and told her that it was against staples policy for us to be dating. Which is wrong because it isnt against policy, all of our important managers know that we are together, and the GM that hired us takes credit for us being together. Like seriously what was she thinking. Either way when CC told me I flipped. Dont talk about my relationship and dont tell me what I can and cannot do. I am very protective of my relationship and of my girlfriend. If you fuck with her you fuck with me and well that wont end well. I went to an all girls school where people talk shit all the time and judge every move that you make and I dont need that here at staples or in my new life. Needless to say, as angry as I was I managed to keep my cool when talking to our manager who is also gay. He was pissed, he talked to her, and then she apologized to CC, however over the next forty eight hours word spread, many told us to go to HR and to tell another manager, others just said shew as a bitch but all were equally upset.

CC and I have made friends at the store. Scruffy is a techy who is complete nerd. Tech Chick. Oh man is she one of a kind. She is funny, weird, completely nerd, confused and number one tuna hater. Best part is that she  has everyones back. Banana is 7 months pregnant. Dont mess with a pregnant girl. And well last wednesday tuna messed with the pregnant girl.

Due to a scheduling error we didnt have a closer for the front end. Banana, who needed the hours and money, agreed to stay late meaning that she would be working a 12.5 hour day. Through the course of the day her feet were swelling so our manager N got her a chair. Well about 10 hours into her day, Tech Chick and her were talking about how many hour she was work and tuna comes up and in front of a customer tell her that its not really a ten hour day if you have been sitting on your ass.

Seriously, who tells a pregnant person that. First thats just mean second she is your freakin co worker, have some decency. And if you are suppose to be a supervisor then you shouldnt be saying things like that. The manager closing that night ripped her a new one and banana went to HR about it. Things were getting bad quick. The entire store was pissed at her, the manager she thought loved her was now done with her antics, and we were getting a new GM who didnt know what he was in for.

After that incident banana did call HR and tuna became under investigation, she still tried to talk to banana. Banana told her that she didnt want to talk to her and then she still pressed her. Everyone was watching and half of us were hoping banana would hit her the other half was simply hoping that Tuna would get fired on the spot. But she didnt instead she keeps digging a hole to bury her staples career in...

And to add to her hole, she ignored calls from out GM, called CC lazy to an associate who is more manager than her, and wouldnt help me find something but was then all about kissing my ass. I swear she has to be bipolar. Thats the other thing, she called CC lazy and I swear if Bunny (another associate) wasnt there i would have freaking reemed her ass out. I dont care what you say about me becuase my theory has always been "go ahead talk shit, make me famous" but keep CC out of your mouth. Dont make fun of her, pick on her, upset her, call her stupid, or lazy or anything because i will freak out. CC has seen me freak out on someone for insulting her and its really not a pretty sight.

So thats staples and I love it, and Ill do anything I can to keep working lots of hours and making sure that Tuna stays away from me and CC.

Happy Digging Tuna, Everyone else Happy New Year!!!

sucking

So my blogging has royally sucked lately and i apologize. I dont know what to post about.

Classes are almost over. I have never been in a class where it was socailly acceptable to show up and sign into class at 9:54 when class ends at 9:55 but hey! what ever works. Also, doing ti chi exercises will not change the fact that I am tired and I dont care about your class. This class Im talking about is my wellness class, aka health for big kids. There are currently 14 kids in my class including myself, when there are suppose to be 23 on the roster. The average number of people in this class is usually 10, three of us are doing something else, two are sleeping, one is doodling. Can you say boredom? The test are take home but the final is in class, on two chapters. Basically a waste of 1500 dollars thats for sure. 9:44 am, and someone just walked into class, and yes she will get full credit to be here. what the fuck.

Staples... that was easy. I have been working 40 hours a week, not 39 hours and 59 minutes not 40 hours and 1 minute, 40 hours on the nose because my boss is worried about overtime. In the coming weeks I will be training to be an easy tech associate, because well im that good and i can sell shit. I like being a cashier and is office supplies. I need more money though. and I want to have magic numbers. My manager Jimmie is a dick and needless to say Im after his job.

Love. Is good. Im going to marry this girl. No questions asked. I cant wait to see what she got me for xmas and I would tell you what I got her but she will read this. And she is plotting with M and B, which i love but now i have to plot with them and they better not be out of ideas.

Finals... ew! Must. Make. Notecards. ASAP. :) but a movie and cuddling sounds so much better.

Oh, and moving to middle of nowhere new hampshire = no snow so far... LOVE IT!!!

Happy Holidays!