The real letter to KC, the only she would read. I put this here so the world can see that no matter what happens in my life and how angry or hurt I get, there is a reason that the people have my heart, and as for KC she is... well she just is.
So I am writing this and I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell you or what you expect from me. I am a strong willed stubborn individual who loves with everything I have, and would never leave anyone out to dry. I would never intentionally hurt anyone although recently following my heart has put a strain on some of my friendships. I was so cynical, just inconvincible, nobody seemed worth trusting. But sure enough, just when I'd near given up, you appeared there among the destruction. And that is exactly what happened that night at the club. I didn’t want to go, I was dragged because it was our last night together. And then there you were. Texting you, dancing with you, talking to you, gave me hope. It gave me hope that there was more out there than just people who deceive you, lie to you, abuse you, and then leave. I don’t have the best history with ex’s and yes I know if my ex were to ask me for a second chance Id have a hard time saying no to her. So I get your predicament. I live without regret. I don’t regret who I have dated, I don’t regret dancing with you at the club, I don’t regret giving you the flower or card, I don’t regret answering you when you texted me after the game. My friends don’t understand why I was talking to you again, and my answer was quiet simple, I would regret it if I didn’t speak to you. I don’t want to be someone or something you regret.
Have you hurt me? Yes. I wish you hadn’t. My friends would tell you that I have been hurt many times before and that by now one would think that I would be use to it, but I’m not. I’m not use to the hurting, the whole people always leave feeling, or the not being worth it feeling that I get every time you run away. I wish it was possible for me to be the big bad ass strong Sam that I pretend to be because that would mean that you wouldn’t be able to get to me but you do. Its not a bad thing. I have built up all of these walls to keep people from getting to close, to keep them from seeing the real me. You have seen only a part of me, but you have gotten me to lower some walls when it comes to talking to you. With you things are different, things are better, and when you’re not around your somewhere on my mind. Maybe not on the for front of my brain but you are there somewhere in my brain you exist. When I went to your games, I was so nervous. You make me nervous. You give me those butterflies and that dopey grin on my face. And that will probably never change and honestly I hope it doesn’t. We are different. You and I are different. We get each other. You understand me better than most and you don’t even know every little thing about me, and I think that matters. That says something about who you are. I know you never meant to hurt me and I know that if it came down to it and I needed you you would be there. That makes you different from most people in this world.
I have no profound words of wisdom; I only have hope that things will one day work in my favor and based on everything we have said to one another I hold nothing against you. I’ve tried being angry with you, I’ve tried being bitchy, I’ve tried being mean. But the truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who is worth the pain. You are worth it. I want you to know that you are worth. You are worth it to me, you are worth it to your friends, teammates, family, and you are worth it to your boyfriend. Don’t ever think you aren’t worth. I know the realization of maybe liking girls is scary, nerve racking, and downright terrifying, but it will get better. Slowly you will figure it out. You can’t rush it or force, and I wish I could tell you that you could avoid it all together but that’s not going to happen. It took me awhile to be comfortable in my own skin and Ive come up with the philosophy that if I go to hell because I chose to be happy then fuck it. I don’t care, I chose to be happy in life, and I chose to love whoever I fall for. And I have fallen for you. I would fight for you if you wanted me to but I know you don’t. I just want to be friends. I get that its weird and uncomfortable, I get that you are doing all of this because you are in love with a boy, and I honestly hope that it works and that it is your happily ever after. You deserve it. You deserve to be happy and that is all I have ever wanted for you. I will always have your back and I will always come running if you ever need anything. So maybe I was just that person that forced you to realize what exactly you wanted or didn’t want and to prove to you that I care about you more than you will ever know and that all I want is for you to be happy, I'll walk away. But should you ever decide to turn around I’ll still be here.
I wish you the best of luck, and if you decide you want to be friends or just chat, you know where to find me.
Letter to Someone (which is the original letter i wrote to KC)
First of all I'd like to say FUCK YOU! Fuck you and your bullshit. Fuck you and your games. Fuck you and your meaningless words. You said you wouldnt leave till I wanted you too. You said that you wanted to be apart of my life. You said you liked me. You lied. Just like before you lied. Well guess what I lied to. You said you were waiting for me to find someone else who was better than you and I said that I didnt know if and when that would happen but guess what, I did. I found someone better. She makes me happy. She makes me do that same dopey girl grin that you used to give me. She will take care of me. She wont make me cry. And she wont leave me in the dark waiting to see if she will be gone before I know it. Best of all, she cares about me. But guess what, and this is what makes me more pathetic than you, I still care about you. I still like you. You still give me butterflies. You still make me nervous. I still light up when your name was on my caller id. And I'd still wait for you.
So you lasted a week and two days this time. Congratulations. Better than you've ever done before. Should we throw you a party? I can get you a balloon? All sarcasm aside. You suck. You suck for hurting me over and over again. And I, the stupid girl, let you. I'm done being the girl you shit on. Im done being the girl you try to figure out who you like. I'm just done. It hurts to much to look at you, to think about you, to dream about you, or at least it use too. But not this time. This time you left me with nothing but anger. You said you werent worth crying over and you are right. You already walked out the door and I hope it didnt hit you too hard on the way out. So enjoy your ex. I hope it works I truely do. I hope he doesnt hurt you and if he does I hope you learn enough to walk away and say enough is enough. Dont be me. Dont give second chance after second chance because you'll end up crying over somone who isnt worth it, just like me. This is where I walk away.
We left high school four years ago, with a plan, or at least I know I did. I remember walking through the door to room 403, seeing my roommate for the first time, and thinking here we go. Before I knew it my parents were gone and it was just me and my soon to be closest friends. We were all so close, nothing seperated us, we were our own little crew, and no body did anything alone. We rolled down that hallway in the rolly chairs, kept a lizard in the closet, played games in the hall, yell from room to room cause we didnt want to get up, sat with eachother while guys were douches, and for me I was finally able to come out. Ill never forget that night and JT telling me Ill love you no matter who you love. We left freshmen year saying we would be besties forever and while that didnt work out there are few of us that are still here, still making our mark on bay path college. Although our group is seperated we all still have those memories that will be with us forever. Then next two years would fly by and now in our senior year we are all looking back and thinking about what was and what we could have done. There are people we know and there are people we wouldnt know from a whole in the wall. There are those that have hurt us, left us, loved us, and cared about us, there are those that will always be there and those that only hang around for the moment. Forgive and Forget, dont dwell on the past, and remember the words Dr. Suess: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, because those who mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind."
"You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, You can steer yourself in any direction you choose" Go forth into your future, dont hold back, and dream with everything you have. I challenge you all to look in the mirror. What do you see? Your all probably thinking that you see yourself, but I challenge you to look pass the reflection, and see if you see the same girl that walked on to campus four years ago. Im not the same girl and neither are my friends, we have all changed and grown into amazing people and now after changing bay path, it is our turn to change the world. But never forget where you came from and the place we have all called home, and remember should you get lost amoungst your travels, the path will always be here with the light on incase you get tired of being gone.
letter to the parentals
LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL!!!! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ASK ME IF IM HAPPY AND IF NOT WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY??? ITS NOT THAT HARD. PLEASE JUST BE THE PARENTS WE BOTH WANT YOU TO BE AND LOVE ME FOR ME, NOT FOR WHO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.
this includes accepting my major, my grad program, oh and my sexual orintation... just saying!
<3 your daughter
Im sorry. No but really this time, Im actually sorry for the idotic things I have put you through. I tend not to really care how mashed up messed up or crushed you get in the process of me falling for a girl and guess this time i feel like i should just warn you before that happens. No I havent fallen for anyone...yet. My plan, just so you know is to have fun and enjoy senior year... no strings attached. (cause that worked so well for me last time) I'm still working on getting over E and right now Im going to sit on the sidelines and let you tend to your wounds because they are deeper than either of us could have imagined. However, I feel like I should warn you that there is this girl... and your probably thinking here we go again, but no, its different. She's the girl I cant have. Ive played ball against her(KC), meet her, danced with her, texted and flirted with her, and almost fallen for her, and then well she vanishes. KC is tall, funny, georgous, and we have a lot in common, except I cant keep her from vanishing on me every time things get good. I know she isnt ready for anything, and honestly Im sticking with the I just want to have fun. But dont worry heart, she already vanished on me so I wont be getting more attached to her than I already have. I'd like to promise you that I wont carelessly throw you to the wolves of lesbian drama here but Im trying hard to keep you in one piece... at least for now.
Best of Luck!
P.s. Investing in BandAides might not be a bad idea.
Shot Two: Some girls should come with their own first aide kits