Monday, January 31, 2011

Holding my Breath

So today I finished it all. everything is in. my grad school application is complete. and now comes the worst part... waiting. I suck at waiting! Im nervous, anxious, and terrified. What if they say no? What if Im not good enough? What if I cant afford it?

But on the bright side of it all Im really excited and cant wait to see what happens.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

11.5 hours

Have you ever had that person that just completely takes you from whatever state of mind you are in and just brings you back to that state of relaxation? Well I do. I wasnt sure at a first becuase I didnt think that I had been with her long enough to know if that was possible but this weekend was the test. We had a 7.5 hour power outage at school. No power. No heat. No water. No food. There was no answer if and when it was going to fix and I was on duty in a completely blacked out building. After a really long day, being stressed and exhausted the last thing I wanted was to be on duty and the only thing I wanted was my girlfriend. There is a lot of stress involving my girlfriend, considering her ex is a meadling bitch, and my best friend K hates her with a firey passion that is constantly fueled by gas, but in the mist of all my emotions I was pleased to find that all I wanted was for her to hurry up and be here. She got here at 12:15 am and had to leave by 11:30 am the next day and even though she was here for a short period of time it was the best 11.5 hours of my weekend, and we spent 8.5 of it sleeping. (really sleeping!) It felt good to be laying in her arms, have her kiss my forehead, and just relax and laugh. To add to my enjoyment, I posted a facebook status that said bed with her and then her ex's facebook status stated I fucking hate you... and well her and I pulled eachother closer and had a good laugh.

Driving home this morning I realized two things about the girl that was speeding away from me, unintentially of course. The first being that I was happy. really happy. And the second is that I am falling for this girl. And I am falling fast. And I have no intention of stopping this feeling because it feels GREAT!

Shot Nineteen: Dont apply the brakes. Free Falling is a good thing.

Thursday, January 27, 2011


What do you do when you feel like giving up that you know that thats not an option? M would tell me buy a bigger drink and I wish that was the answer. Mentally Im done. Everyone can see it. My coaches. My teammates. I dont know what it is or how to fix it. What I want is to curl up in to TBs arms and hide from the world and my frustration, the other half of me just want to fuck someone up in the game tomorrow. Coach Kat asked us what motivates us. For me that answer was simple. KB. She is my motivation. With out her I wouldnt have made it through the last four years and I wouldnt have made it through this season. I need her. I need her to be there on senior day. I need her there holding my hand while we both cry. We do this for eachother. Without one another we wouldnt have made it. We wouldnt have survived.  There are eight games left and it seems I cant it slow down long enough to enjoy it. I am so frustrated with myself because every shot I take wont go in and then I dont have anyone on my team who tries to pick my head up. I want to win tomorrow. I want that feeling. I want the joy of winning. I want to feel like we are all on the same team, playing against someone else other than ourselves.

In eight games its over. No do overs, no second chances. There is no next season, next year. Eight games and its over and this time after senior day is not just that its over till we move on to something else its over over. Its not like high school where we then have a chance to play for four more years, its all done. Something I have done for the last seventeen years is suddenly over.

Eight games to cap off 17 years, eleven seasons, three trips to the cage, one shut out first half, one buzzer beater win, one ejection, one brawl, and one league champship. Eight games to end it all.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Pixie Dust

All it takes is faith and trust... I know through all the maddness its hard to believe that there are things in this world that just dont get to me. I may bitch, moan, and whine about the different aspects of my life but all in all I'm one tough cookie. A lot of things dont get to me. Id like to think that I can pull off this image of strong willed stubborn unphased by shit personality and on most days it works but behind all of that is just a girl. A girl that gets hurt (a lot) and cries (a little) and just wants to feel like she is the only girl in the world.  There are two girls that I thought were girls that I was the only girl. KC and TB. To KC I am the only girl in the world, I am her dirty little secret, I am the one that can turn her head but she is to scared to admit she likes girls. Its whatever with KC. Her and I are friends, we discussed all of our shit and we just chat her and there but other than that we have nothing. And then there is TB, who until now I have kept out of my blog because I want to keep her to myself. Her ex is psycho and obsessive and likes to cause trouble. She messaged me on facebook and things all went down hill. She told me that TB was a cheater and a liar and that she was still seeing her. I lost it on TB. I dont believe this girl becuase I really like TB, and I dont know what to think sometimes. Im so use to having people leave, having people mistreat me, and having people lie to me. I want nothing more than to believe everything that comes out of her beautifully plump lips and to trust her bright blue eyes but everytime I get comfortable and confident in her and I, someone comes in and tries to fuck all that up. I trust her. I like her. I believe in her and most importantly I believe in her and I, I just want the world to leave us alone.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Letter to Someone

First of all I'd like to say FUCK YOU! Fuck you and your bullshit. Fuck you and your games. Fuck you and your meaningless words. You said you wouldnt leave till I wanted you too. You said that you wanted to be apart of my life. You said you liked me. You lied. Just like before you lied. Well guess what I lied to. You said you were waiting for me to find someone else who was better than you and I said that I didnt know if and when that would happen but guess what, I did. I found someone better. She makes me happy. She makes me do that same dopey girl grin that you used to give me. She will take care of me. She wont make me cry. And she wont leave me in the dark waiting to see if she will be gone before I know it. Best of all, she cares about me. But guess what, and this is what makes me more pathetic than you, I still care about you. I still like you. You still give me butterflies. You still make me nervous. I still light up when your name was on my caller id. And I'd still wait for you.

So you lasted a week and two days this time. Congratulations. Better than you've ever done before. Should we throw you a party? I can get you a balloon? All sarcasm aside. You suck. You suck for hurting me over and over again. And I, the stupid girl, let you. I'm done being the girl you shit on. Im done being the girl you try to figure out who you like. I'm just done. It hurts to much to look at you, to think about you, to dream about you, or at least it use too. But not this time. This time you left me with nothing but anger. You said you werent worth crying over and you are right. You already walked out the door and I hope it didnt hit you too hard on the way out. So enjoy your ex. I hope it works I truely do. I hope he doesnt hurt you and if he does I hope you learn enough to walk away and say enough is enough. Dont be me. Dont give second chance after second chance because you'll end up crying over somone who isnt worth it, just like me. This is where I walk away.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Dear Seniors,
We left high school four years ago, with a plan, or at least I know I did. I remember walking through the door to room 403, seeing my roommate for the first time, and thinking here we go. Before I knew it my parents were gone and it was just me and my soon to be closest friends. We were all so close, nothing seperated us, we were our own little crew, and no body did anything alone. We rolled down that hallway in the rolly chairs, kept a lizard in the closet, played games in the hall, yell from room to room cause we didnt want to get up, sat with eachother while guys were douches, and for me I was finally able to come out. Ill never forget that night and JT telling me Ill love you no matter who you love. We left freshmen year saying we would be besties forever and while that didnt work out there are few of us that are still here, still making our mark on bay path college. Although our group is seperated we all still have those memories that will be with us forever. Then next two years would fly by and now in our senior year we are all looking back and thinking about what was and what we could have done. There are people we know and there are people we wouldnt know from a whole in the wall. There are those that have hurt us, left us, loved us, and cared about us, there are those that will always be there and those that only hang around for the moment. Forgive and Forget, dont dwell on the past, and remember the words Dr. Suess: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, because those who mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind."

"You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes, You can steer yourself in any direction you choose" Go forth into your future, dont hold back, and dream with everything you have. I challenge you all to look in the mirror. What do you see? Your all probably thinking that you see yourself, but I challenge you to look pass the reflection, and see if you see the same girl that walked on to campus four years ago. Im not the same girl and neither are my friends, we have all changed and grown into amazing people and now after changing bay path, it is our turn to change the world. But never forget where you came from and the place we have all called home, and remember should you get lost amoungst your travels, the path will always be here with the light on incase you get tired of being gone.

<3 me

Saturday, January 15, 2011


"Come Lord Jesus, lets be bless, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen"
This is my familys prayer and it has been in my family for decades, and honestly I never thought Id ever have a connection to it like I do right now. The gift is life. The ability to hang out with friends and family, go to school, play sports, have fun, and just be. For the last two days I have been in a funk, in a mood, and this mood included feeling of anger, fear, frustration, and irratation. Now I play basketball better when I am angry but me playing angry and frustrated and irratated is not a good compo and I have been playing this way for the last two days and I cant shake it. I am in pain. My body is crapping out on me, my basketball team is falling apart at the seems, and the few things that I have going well in my life contradict one another. I learned today that one of my friends slipped on ice hit her already damaged head, broke two ribs, and was having seizures last night, and suddenly my prespective on everything changed. As much as this can all be over in a minute, all we have to live for is now, but pushing till the max will only increase the risk of not being able to live the life you want to live in the future. So for now I am greatful and thankful that she is okay and eventually with time will be better than okay. Now may be the time to put me first. To put basketball on the back burner and focus on the future. Focus on being able to walk down the isle and chase my kids around. What is more important? Walking in the future or basketball now?

Monday, January 10, 2011


Gibb taught me to never say your sorry, its a sign of weakness. I dont know what to think about KC's apology.

 "I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you. Sorry. I’m so sorry I just knew I couldn’t do it.
Be just friends. Because I like you.  Im sorry and I know. I told you from day one that im not good.
I know it not enough but im sorry. I really am sorry like I feel terrible.
I know nothing bad comes from being friends but you don’t understand me. I swear I never meant to hurt you like I did. "

I said a lot inbetween all of this, and i practically freaked when she said she liked me. This is all Im going to put here on this blog but the jist of our converstation has been saved and the only one who will read it is me and M. I dont know what to do or say or how to feel. I'm  just going through the motions. I still get that dopey grin but Im cautious. I dont want to set myself up for heartbreak once again. Im waiting for her to disappear, waiting for her to run, and Im trying so hard not to get my hopes up that she will be around for a while.

Time will tell, and right now I dont know if time is going to be in my favor.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


AHHHHHH!!!!! EPIC FAIL!!! Literally, EPIC FAIL!!! Damn it!

Blasting my music ridiculously loud on the bus trying to get my head totally focused on the game. Elms. The team to beat, the team to piss off, the girl that got away. I got of the bus blasting Riot by Three Days Grace, and walked in the gym with my total pissed off game face on, and I thought it would get me through. It failed. I knew from the moment I walked in she was there and that when it started. I tried to keep it together but I couldnt do it. I ended up crying in the bathroom and taking a mini walk to clear my head. KB's boyfriend met me in the hall and was like,"its okay clear your head and play your game." So then KB and I went to warm up right near her. She didnt even look at me and I think that hurt more. After the game, was probably the most nerve wracking because that would be the first time we would be eye to eye. After the exchange of good games, KB and I ran over to RJ our old coach who came to watch us play. It was good to have that distraction, to have something else to focus on. After the game, I was holding the door for some of the Elms people and KC walked by said thanks and I totally ignored her. I didnt know what to say or do. I just stood there like a deer in the head lights.

We got on the bus and I looked at my phone there was a text from her saying she was sorry. I freaked. She is sorry, she doesnt even know what she did to me to even start to say sorry. And we get to do take two of this whole thing on the 20th. I dont know if I can take the anxiety but I want nothing more that to beat the shit out of Elms, look good doing it, and make KCs head turn.

Till then its love and basketball.... and I hate that I dont hate her.

Shot 18- I hate that I dont hate you

Friday, January 7, 2011

Pay back

I'm seeing KC for the first time in 14 hours and I don't know what I feel. I just want to smack her hell I want to T to smack her and at this point I know that T still dislikes her in which case I know KC is lucky she isn't playing case pay back is a bitch.

Bring it Elms!!!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

hehehe :)

These are for my project but i thought they were funny.... Enjoy

 Shot 17 - Laughter is the best calerie burner

Sunday, January 2, 2011