My girlfriend is like the game scrabble. Her and I are addicted to the game, and we even play each other. Its kind of pathetic cause we cheat when we play bonnie and rebecca. There is this Ipod app called descrambler and its amazing, and the difference between the game and my girlfriend is that she doesnt come with an ipod app or a daters manual. And in all fairness neither do I and I am probably equally as complicated as she is.
Me: I need attention. Not lots of it and not full on PDA make the world vomit, but I need affection and attention. Small touches, light kisses, a hey baby or hey babe. Little things like that make my world go round. I have two rules: Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me good night. I need to cuddle and wont sleep well knowing the person i love is next to me and not cuddling with me.
Her: She doesnt talk. If she is mad she wont talk to me. it takes a lot to break this girls walls down and most time you wont get a straight answer from her becuase opening up really isnt her thing. Direct question. Prying digging and knowing when she is bullshitting you are good skills to have. Followed by knowing that apparently when she says no doesnt always mean no and that if I am asking for her to kiss me I should just do it. (damn nike slogan)
What had happened was.....
Miscommunication
anger
frustration
tears
confusion
more tears
and more tears
pasionate kisses
wrestling in the front yard (i have hidden strength)
food
and yes blogging world wonderfully fabulous make up sex! (i can already tell you her responce to this... really babe?, but yes really. it was amazing and definately needed)
Aside from the TMI, things are good now and we are better. Before all of this I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her but it wasnt till all of this that I realized how much I wanted to be with her and how much I loved her and needed her...
yiaernayhbtnakmuyiwbinharoy (descramble that!)
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Better Than That
My friend C told me: "I think I've finally figured the answer to why bad things happen to good people: To test our patience, limitations, strength, courage and emotions. Because if shitty things happen to good people, imagine the good things that happen to shitty people? they are still miserable in the best of times and will NEVER learn the emotion called ...apperciation. Because when shitty things happen to good people we have to pull through, because that's what being human is all about: pulling through when times get hard, and knowing when its over, that you and only you did it. and being able to stand behind that. whole heartly. thought I would share my light bulb of the night. ♥ "
This makes me think of my girlfriends ex, even though ive had my fair share of shitty stuff, my heart actually goes out to this girl. It isnt a secret that I am not her number one fan, and she has said some nasty stuff about me and my relationship, but this girl deserves more. She has a one year old, who is the cutest little thing imaginable, and she does it. All by herself she does it. She supports herself and her son. She supports her mom. And she doesnt really ask for anything. She works hard. Recently, she got screwed over by her car dealership who Im pretty purposely broke her car cause it is vermont and all. On top of that she is going through a really tough time and her, well we will just call him "Thing", is not only being a douche but he is treating her worse then the whale poop in the movie shark tales. Like I said, i dont totally like her, and I dont totally trust her, but after everything even she doesnt deserve that.
I told her that she deserves better and that she can do better than "thing" but she is so down in the dumps that she thinks that she cant. But she can. Its not like she is some hideous creature or something. Not my type but she could still find someone better. She deserves someone who is kind, caring, and understanding. This girl is complicated and messy, but I think that once you get past all the "fuck my life, Im bitter, and angry, down right depressed" there is someone who is funny, caring, and sweet. Now I know she has anger issues so she needs someone to match that and keep her calm when things get to hyped up but I swear blogging world she isnt a bad girl.
So basically... If she makes a move on my girl ill kill her, but if "thing" keeps this up ill kill for her too. Women, we are weird.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Untold Story
So I have decided to tell the untold story of how I feel in love with Ms Candice Michelle Clark. Why you might ask, because it seems to be exactly like the fairy tales. My aunt has always told me that you cant go looking for love that it has to come and find you, and well that's exactly what happened. I wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a nameless relationship with S when everything changed. CC and I had met before, when she was dating (secretly) MB, we never talked, friends on facebook but never anything more. When MB got pregnant CC did everything, and trust me after all the shit she has been I'm surprised she isn't a bitter emotionless person. Randomly, she messaged me, and at the time I didn't think much of it. We chat and chatted and I gave her my number and then it went from there.
Valentines Day- TB had dumped my ass, I was a mess, and CC decided to come down and cheer me up with MB. We texted the whole time she was there, and the brief time we were in the same room alone i wanted nothing more then to jump her bones. She was amazing. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry, made me smile when I didn't want to, and eased my anger and anxiety. During the time where we were hanging out, me, CC, MB, and wife, I was trying to figure out if CC and MB had gotten back together. Secretly hoping to god that they hadn't.
The baby shower. MB's baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.
At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.
A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut. At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!
Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.
The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.
The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.
And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"
I love you.
The baby shower. MB's baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.
At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.
A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut. At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!
Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.
The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.
The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.
And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"
I love you.
Friday, June 17, 2011
tough love
Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
love
I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...
Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.
That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.
Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.
That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
jealousy
"i'm not a jealous person. i'm just a girl, that would love to punch every other, girl that gives you a second look.
And I'm not a jealous person. I dont care as long as you are coming home to me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am i suppose to care? I guess I would be lying if I said i liked her. Cause I dont. I hate her. I dont like her, and I dont agree with anything she says or does. I dont like that she thinks she knows me and that she thinks its totally okay to say shit about me. First of all bitch, you dont know me. Second of all, you dont know my relationship, so step the fuck off. But I am to blame to I guess, I came into your world, and took your girl. I came in, the knight in shining armour, and stole her away. Let me let you in on a little secret... it wasnt hard. You treated her like shit, and she is the nicest person in the world. You beat her up. I held her hand when she cried. You monitored her every move. I dont make her bail on her friends for me.
I guess I feel like a bad girlfriend for not caring and not letting it get to me. I cant change everything that has happened in the past before she came and stole my heart. I have my exes and she has hers but Id like to believe and I do believe that this doesnt play a role in our relationship. But I will tell you this.... you tryto make a move on my girlfriend, Ill fuck you up. I can promise you that.
And I'm not a jealous person. I dont care as long as you are coming home to me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am i suppose to care? I guess I would be lying if I said i liked her. Cause I dont. I hate her. I dont like her, and I dont agree with anything she says or does. I dont like that she thinks she knows me and that she thinks its totally okay to say shit about me. First of all bitch, you dont know me. Second of all, you dont know my relationship, so step the fuck off. But I am to blame to I guess, I came into your world, and took your girl. I came in, the knight in shining armour, and stole her away. Let me let you in on a little secret... it wasnt hard. You treated her like shit, and she is the nicest person in the world. You beat her up. I held her hand when she cried. You monitored her every move. I dont make her bail on her friends for me.
I guess I feel like a bad girlfriend for not caring and not letting it get to me. I cant change everything that has happened in the past before she came and stole my heart. I have my exes and she has hers but Id like to believe and I do believe that this doesnt play a role in our relationship. But I will tell you this.... you tryto make a move on my girlfriend, Ill fuck you up. I can promise you that.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
NCIS
I am in love with NCIS. This will not surprise many of you but I am seriously in love with this show. No matter how many time I see an episode I still laugh at all the funny jokes and one liners.
Big D little i Big N little ozzo. dinozzo. funny man. never really know what he is going to do or say. serial dater. pretty much my B.
Magee- the smart one. and the one thats picked on. basically M.
Ziva- the female enforcer. feel like thats my role. everyone hides behind the tall kid. I guess i could kick some serious ass if i need too.
Gibbs- the adult. acts like a kid at time dropping some good one liners. knows everything... JT (there is no fooling this girl)
Abbie- analitical mind. caffine addiction. talk a mile a minute if you get her going. K for sure.
away from ncis, Im introducing CC to my aunt and uncle next week and they are excited and I am excited but i dont think she is. she wants to impress them but all they care about is if she makes me happy and she does that just by texting me in the morning. In case you couldnt tell blogging world, I am in LOVE with this crazy beautiful girl with the terrifying father. Litterally.
<3
Big D little i Big N little ozzo. dinozzo. funny man. never really know what he is going to do or say. serial dater. pretty much my B.
Magee- the smart one. and the one thats picked on. basically M.
Ziva- the female enforcer. feel like thats my role. everyone hides behind the tall kid. I guess i could kick some serious ass if i need too.
Gibbs- the adult. acts like a kid at time dropping some good one liners. knows everything... JT (there is no fooling this girl)
Abbie- analitical mind. caffine addiction. talk a mile a minute if you get her going. K for sure.
away from ncis, Im introducing CC to my aunt and uncle next week and they are excited and I am excited but i dont think she is. she wants to impress them but all they care about is if she makes me happy and she does that just by texting me in the morning. In case you couldnt tell blogging world, I am in LOVE with this crazy beautiful girl with the terrifying father. Litterally.
<3
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
My tell all....
So this has been long time coming and has been saved as a draft for sometime. Before graduating and finishing classes, I was really in a not hold back my feelings type of mood, and some of the things I had to say just didnt fit witht he image I had to portray, but seeing as thats all gone and I have offically passed on my roles at the path I can now publish this and just laugh with my friends about it all...
*names have been changed and motified... for laughters sake just enjoy it.
where to start....hmmm... i guess we will start with the little ones. Stop walking around like you own this place cause let me tell you as an old lady you dont. You dont get to bitch about how much work you have to do when youre only taking 5 intro classes and arent working or doing anything else with your day, nor do you get to say that your teachers need to not put exams on the same day. welcome to the real world this isnt high school and for 30 grand a year it is suppose to be hard. Also, stop wishing it away cause guess what it goes fast and it will end in may and three weeks later you will all be posting that you wish you were back here so just enjoy it.
my next thing is deadlines. I set them for a reason and just because everyone knows your name doesnt mean you dont have to follow them. Oh and not everyone says your name in a positive way and you have burnt so many bridges at this place that you should probably just keep your mouth shut and just exist without trying to mess everything up for people who actually work hard. I mean were you really just going to do something so that people were just getting it? who gives a fuck if she is going to be doing a good job at it. and who was going to vote for you? Do you honestly think you have more friends this year then you did last year when you got your ass handed to you? really lets get real. Grow up, be a big kid, and mature.
oh, please just pick one boy. I cant keep track of which ones i hung out with played games with or just met via web cam. Please just pick one... and that goes for you too. pick one! and be happy! sheesh. Also, where do you get off (if you still read this you will know) giving her my blog link. Like seriously. If i wanted her to have it i would have given it to here myself. Its not that I care I just wish that you fucking told me or asked me first so that way when i did talk to them i wouldnt be totally blindsided. So i guess thanks for that but your lucky im not royally pissed off. And to her, sheesh is about all i have to say and even i dont know what that means.
This one I will totally just call out... TB. What the hell! I have been the butt of the joke for a lot of people but I thought that just maybe you might be different. guess not. oh and i owe the girl you were cheating on me with or is it me you were cheating on her with, im not sure but seriously i owe her an apology, not for being whatever i was but she tried to tell me and i believed you. that was dumb. p.s. you looked good a prom, how'd it feel walking in with a sixteen year old? awesome right. bet you'll go to more proms then years of high school, but whatever some people roll, like that.
And to bay path... stop letting us roll with excuse "oh bay path". Sometime we expect nothing less from you then let down or disappointment, whether its in food or and event, or anything. after four years the most common phrase we heard and said was its bay path. thats sad. Students ask for thing and we get told no. We give suggestions on how to fix things and we get we will work on it and does it happen rarely.
lifers.... GO HOME!!! you dont go here!!!!!!!! k thanks?
So thats my rant and rave.... hope you enjoyed it.
<3
Friday, May 20, 2011
im back
HOKEY! so Im back, and I promise to be a more faithful blogger.
Cliffnotes version
Graduation was soooo long but i did it. graduated on time with my diploma. yay me!!! Kinda made me realize that life is moving past bay path and as much as it seems like only my friends are moving on to different things, I have realized thats me too. moving on moving up in the world, and im plan on taking CC with me. :D <3
Cliffnotes version
- ditch S
- ask CC out
- spend two weeks with her
- fall head over heals
- boston trip with the seniors
- grad rehersal on thursday
- strawberries and champaign
- beach day with b, kb, jt, l, and c
- saturday in vermonT
- sunday= GRADUATION!
Graduation was soooo long but i did it. graduated on time with my diploma. yay me!!! Kinda made me realize that life is moving past bay path and as much as it seems like only my friends are moving on to different things, I have realized thats me too. moving on moving up in the world, and im plan on taking CC with me. :D <3
Friday, May 6, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
questions without answers
Im scared. You know I am and you fuel the fear. I know Im blowing it up to be bigger than it is but I also know that I hate that i care because I know that now that I care I cant let you go back there. I cant let you go back into a bad situation even though i wont let you lose everything over me. Im just a stupid girl with stupid feelings that are completely irrelevent to the real world emotions that are in existance. so... now what. do i wait for you? do i pray for you? do i yell? scream? beg? cry?
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
stop. pause. rewind. fastforward. the end
So this week I have not only been a slacker blogger but Ive been a stacker student, friend, ra, and student athlete.... and here is why.
Monday (4/4)....
Welcome to my hell week. I knew starting this week that I was going to have a bad week. The night before S explains to me that his sister is in the hosipital having seizures. He tells me the whole story and seems so calm and relaxed about it. That is what I admire about him, his ability to stay calm when the normal person would be freaking out amazes me. Anyway, needless to say the studying that i needed to get done wasnt going to happen and on top of everything going on S explains to me that I dont know or understand the relationship between him and I and well that just lead to lots of tears. We talked and cuddled and I cried and cried for hours. We fell asleep at 4:30 having resolved nothing and me not having studied for my looming lab practicle. After getting 4 hours of sleep I then got up and started cramming for my exam. At 11 I walked into the exam knowing I was going to fail, and once the exam was passed out my mind blanked and panic set in. After handing in the exam and figuring that i have no hope in passing my teacher gave me a lecture about being proud and not to be afraid to ask for help, especially when things happen unexpectedly. She also informed me that even if you put something off its still okay to admit that yes your planning sucked but in the end ou cant control the events around you. Needless to say she told me that I should have asked her if I could take it later and gone back to bed, but me being me, thats not my style.
Tuesday
After envitably bombing my lab practicle tuesday couldnt get any worse, or could it? My 8:00 am class was short and sweet, pt was productive and I got to be offically off crutches, class again at one which ment cramming information in before our lecture exam on thursday. Thankfully a girl in my class had the balls enough to ask the professor if we could start the lecture on the leg on thursday and take the test after the weekend. I dont think I have prayed so much in a time period. After what felt like ages she agreed and did us one better. She said seeing as our week sucked so much that we could have thursday off and take the exam on tuesday. Thank god cause I was not ready for that exam. After the exam B and I went to my home town to pay the deposit on the cupcakes for gala. I had the school credit card so I could buy the cupcakes in full but heres the kicker... they dont take credit cards. So after calling my boss and freaking out I withdrew 50$ from my bank account to place a deposit on the cupcakes that I would then need to pick up on friday at 3:00. Next up spanish, inwhich the teacher made me feel stupid. After that we needed to make a banner for wacky wildcat challenge and did anyone get paper... noooooo. Our bosses were pissed but in the end it all worked out and our banner looked bbbaaannnggggin.
Wednesday
And let the true definition of hell week begin. After finishing my topic paragraph for jarvis and going to class the fun begins. The Marcia H. Conrad award ceremony, with yours truely as one of the master of ceremonies for the event. I knew I was getting at least one award but I walked out with three awards and to top it off I got to go to dinner with my brother and my dad. After dinner with my dad and an awkward conversation about sex with S, which we arent having and wont be having for a good long time. My dad felt that it was important to inform me that he didnt want grandchildren any time soon. After dinner was my SGA meeting, which was great becuase peter was running it and after a quick meeting my RAs and I held a tye dye event to make things all green for the upcoming wacky wildcat challenge.
Thursday
Class at 8, Pt at 10. Meeting at 12:15. Then from one to four thirty I ran around getting things for gala. everything was good. Spanish at 430. and from when class ended till wack pep rally at 730 I desperately needed to do my paper. I got about a page done when I needed to attend the pep rally. We practiced our chant, scarfted down pizza, lite our sparklers and headed out to kick some serious ass. And we won!
Friday:
Gala. Paper due. Got up at nine to do favors. ran out of candy so one of my vps went to get some. ran out again so after my class i had to get some after getting cupcakes. it took forever. we were running late and i only had ten minutes to get ready. gala was a hit but all i wanted was to cuddle with S and I kept hoping he would just magically appear. After gala S picked me up, Z told him to make sure we had good sex which we didnt, and then scott and I got in discussion of hypotheticals which left him sleeping and me crying. I cried myself to sleep that night and he didnt even notice.
Saturday::
Bought my dress for JT's wedding and B, TJ, and I went to liz's wedding. I got set up with a new boy and Im looking forward to going out of it.
Monday (4/4)....
Welcome to my hell week. I knew starting this week that I was going to have a bad week. The night before S explains to me that his sister is in the hosipital having seizures. He tells me the whole story and seems so calm and relaxed about it. That is what I admire about him, his ability to stay calm when the normal person would be freaking out amazes me. Anyway, needless to say the studying that i needed to get done wasnt going to happen and on top of everything going on S explains to me that I dont know or understand the relationship between him and I and well that just lead to lots of tears. We talked and cuddled and I cried and cried for hours. We fell asleep at 4:30 having resolved nothing and me not having studied for my looming lab practicle. After getting 4 hours of sleep I then got up and started cramming for my exam. At 11 I walked into the exam knowing I was going to fail, and once the exam was passed out my mind blanked and panic set in. After handing in the exam and figuring that i have no hope in passing my teacher gave me a lecture about being proud and not to be afraid to ask for help, especially when things happen unexpectedly. She also informed me that even if you put something off its still okay to admit that yes your planning sucked but in the end ou cant control the events around you. Needless to say she told me that I should have asked her if I could take it later and gone back to bed, but me being me, thats not my style.
Tuesday
After envitably bombing my lab practicle tuesday couldnt get any worse, or could it? My 8:00 am class was short and sweet, pt was productive and I got to be offically off crutches, class again at one which ment cramming information in before our lecture exam on thursday. Thankfully a girl in my class had the balls enough to ask the professor if we could start the lecture on the leg on thursday and take the test after the weekend. I dont think I have prayed so much in a time period. After what felt like ages she agreed and did us one better. She said seeing as our week sucked so much that we could have thursday off and take the exam on tuesday. Thank god cause I was not ready for that exam. After the exam B and I went to my home town to pay the deposit on the cupcakes for gala. I had the school credit card so I could buy the cupcakes in full but heres the kicker... they dont take credit cards. So after calling my boss and freaking out I withdrew 50$ from my bank account to place a deposit on the cupcakes that I would then need to pick up on friday at 3:00. Next up spanish, inwhich the teacher made me feel stupid. After that we needed to make a banner for wacky wildcat challenge and did anyone get paper... noooooo. Our bosses were pissed but in the end it all worked out and our banner looked bbbaaannnggggin.
Wednesday
And let the true definition of hell week begin. After finishing my topic paragraph for jarvis and going to class the fun begins. The Marcia H. Conrad award ceremony, with yours truely as one of the master of ceremonies for the event. I knew I was getting at least one award but I walked out with three awards and to top it off I got to go to dinner with my brother and my dad. After dinner with my dad and an awkward conversation about sex with S, which we arent having and wont be having for a good long time. My dad felt that it was important to inform me that he didnt want grandchildren any time soon. After dinner was my SGA meeting, which was great becuase peter was running it and after a quick meeting my RAs and I held a tye dye event to make things all green for the upcoming wacky wildcat challenge.
Thursday
Class at 8, Pt at 10. Meeting at 12:15. Then from one to four thirty I ran around getting things for gala. everything was good. Spanish at 430. and from when class ended till wack pep rally at 730 I desperately needed to do my paper. I got about a page done when I needed to attend the pep rally. We practiced our chant, scarfted down pizza, lite our sparklers and headed out to kick some serious ass. And we won!
Friday:
Gala. Paper due. Got up at nine to do favors. ran out of candy so one of my vps went to get some. ran out again so after my class i had to get some after getting cupcakes. it took forever. we were running late and i only had ten minutes to get ready. gala was a hit but all i wanted was to cuddle with S and I kept hoping he would just magically appear. After gala S picked me up, Z told him to make sure we had good sex which we didnt, and then scott and I got in discussion of hypotheticals which left him sleeping and me crying. I cried myself to sleep that night and he didnt even notice.
Saturday::
Bought my dress for JT's wedding and B, TJ, and I went to liz's wedding. I got set up with a new boy and Im looking forward to going out of it.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Baby Baby Baby OH
Baby baby baby ohhh.... life has become a hassel. Im exhausted. I havent been sleeping or eating right or even taking care of myself. Im exhausted, my body is telling me to stop and my caffine in take has dramatically increased in the last week. S and I have been fighting more than usual. We really got into it in the wee hours of sunday morning. On saturday I was upset. I was tired, frozen, and in pain, and i was on duty. Now all I wanted with a kiss or some sort of attention from my boyfriend and did i get that....NNNOOOOOOO. I dont cry. And I ended up cry, it was stupid, I felt stupid, but i just wanted to feel like S cared and at that point it didnt seem like he did. And well after all of our friends left we fought, and then we kissed and made up and he cuddled with me. Sunday was the same, monday we argued but then cuddled, tuesday we cuddled, and last night we were suppose to see each other and he just showed up at my door. Was it great to have him there yes, howevver, I need to sleep and he doesnt help that. So tonight with or without S, Im going to bed and sleeping forever.
Good Night world
Good Night world
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hahnology
1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?.....I guess soo
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.
5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all
6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness
8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings
10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep
11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know
12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous
14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely
16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years
17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn
19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike
21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)
23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day
24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies
25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have
28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive
29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments
31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn
32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.
33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes
35) Do you type fast?...... kinda
36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.
37) Want any more?.... no
38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather
40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea
43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes
46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes
50) What should you be doing ?.... homework
51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling
53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies
54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp
57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget
66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes
67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit
73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)
74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.
76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it
78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too
80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.
81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella
88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay
89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do :)
92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D
93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)
94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them
95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name
96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it
103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally
107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I
110) Favourite lyrics right now?....
How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.
5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all
6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness
8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings
10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep
11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know
12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous
14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely
16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years
17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn
19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike
21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)
23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day
24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies
25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have
28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive
29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments
31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn
32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.
33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes
35) Do you type fast?...... kinda
36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.
37) Want any more?.... no
38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather
40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea
43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes
46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes
50) What should you be doing ?.... homework
51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling
53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies
54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp
57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget
66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes
67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit
73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)
74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.
76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it
78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too
80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.
81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella
88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay
89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do :)
92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D
93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)
94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them
95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name
96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it
103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally
107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I
110) Favourite lyrics right now?....
How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in
Friday, March 25, 2011
emotion
abandoned
helpless
alone
pathetic
hurt
broken
bruised
anxious
angry
dissapointed
decieved
worthless
meaningless
Fuck You Callahan
Thursday, March 17, 2011
lets be real
People come and go and they always leave an imprint on your heart. Today K and I got divorce, and it was her decision which was kinda my plan. I would never leave her and I will always love her, but us saying we were married and were wives wasnt realistic. We have fallen appart since I made being happy and doing things soley for myself a priortity and it hurt our relationship. She is a great girl and deserves the best of friends and to be happy, and maybe Im not that best friend for her. Ive got two of the best friends a girl can ask for and then Ive got the best group of friends that a girl can ask for too. they all fill a role and they all are appart of what make me me. K is no exception, she will be the girl that i randomly text quack too or that i show up in her room with a coffee because if i have learned anything k without coffee is not pretty. K has always excepted me for who I am we just fell out of the spending every waking minute together stage and moved in to a different one. Do i miss those nights? yes. Do I miss her? yes. Do i love her more than she'll know? of course. I admire, respect, trust, and care about this girl. Am I bitter? No. Why? Cause we just took the facebook offical label of our relationship and got real. One of us had to and i respect her for being the one that actually had the pair of balls to do it. So K, when you read this (and I know you will) I LOVE YOU and Ive always got your back.
M- lets get real. life will never be easy, you know that so if that what you are waiting for you are going go to heaven or hell which ever you prefer as a very bitter old lady with a serious knee problem. We all ask you how is it going even though we dont agree with your life becuase we love you and we back your decisions and will always be there for you. But that being said, come on. Get up and do something about it. If you dont like it change it. Make your life worth living, cause I know you and i know you arent happy. And I love you which means ill support you always and forever but get your butt in gear and be that girl i know you are. If he isnt fixing then either you fix ir or say fuck it. And I know its scary and you dont want to becuase when things are good things are good, but you have family and friends who will be there for you and make it good all the time rather than just once or twice a week. You dont deserve to live hoping that today is a good day, you deserve to live knowing when you wake up that no matter what it will be a good day and if its not you are coming home to those that love you no matter what. So, i love you and ill back you no matter what you know this, but Im reverting back to being your RA and saying Put your big girl panties on and make yourself happy! K? Love you mean it <3 me
S- Come on! For a guy that doesnt want to be in a relationship becuase of the time and the stress you certainly put a lot of time into me. You have been here everyday and in a one month period we have only not seen eachother 3 times. Like come one. We do everything a couple does and then some, so lets stop with the i havent taken myself off the market bs and be real. We are together. K pumpkin? :D
you cant wait for happiness, if its not there go make it
M- lets get real. life will never be easy, you know that so if that what you are waiting for you are going go to heaven or hell which ever you prefer as a very bitter old lady with a serious knee problem. We all ask you how is it going even though we dont agree with your life becuase we love you and we back your decisions and will always be there for you. But that being said, come on. Get up and do something about it. If you dont like it change it. Make your life worth living, cause I know you and i know you arent happy. And I love you which means ill support you always and forever but get your butt in gear and be that girl i know you are. If he isnt fixing then either you fix ir or say fuck it. And I know its scary and you dont want to becuase when things are good things are good, but you have family and friends who will be there for you and make it good all the time rather than just once or twice a week. You dont deserve to live hoping that today is a good day, you deserve to live knowing when you wake up that no matter what it will be a good day and if its not you are coming home to those that love you no matter what. So, i love you and ill back you no matter what you know this, but Im reverting back to being your RA and saying Put your big girl panties on and make yourself happy! K? Love you mean it <3 me
S- Come on! For a guy that doesnt want to be in a relationship becuase of the time and the stress you certainly put a lot of time into me. You have been here everyday and in a one month period we have only not seen eachother 3 times. Like come one. We do everything a couple does and then some, so lets stop with the i havent taken myself off the market bs and be real. We are together. K pumpkin? :D
you cant wait for happiness, if its not there go make it
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)