Monday, October 24, 2011


i love you. not because i have to, but because i can. nobody told me to chase you. nobody told me to look at you. nobody told me to give you a chance. i made that decision. i picked you. i choose to love you, to let myself fall in love with you, to be yours. And thats the point. I am yours. I look at you the same way I looked at you back in February, and in march, and in april. When we have sex its not about the action, I look at the beauty, the passion, feeling of your touch.  You are beautiful and your touch still sends chill up and down my spine. For the last week you have been far away and i have missed your touch, but its like being back to february, cause that smile the crossed my face everytime you texted me was back, and all my face muscles got a full work out with all the smiling i have done. So maybe or texts changed when you were away and we were all cute and lovey dove, maybe we missed each other more, who knows, but what i do know is that when i look at you i get butterflies. When you come into a room, i smile, when Im in a room with you and whoever else i still feel like the only girl in world. When you hold my hand, it gets that first time we've held hands feeling. You know that clammy sweaty feeling. When you wrap your arms around me its the safest place in the world.

So 5 months 2 weeks and 6 days into this adventure and I still get the same feelings I felt back all those months before I told you bestfriends then boyfriend that our girlfriends were weird. I admit I never really asked you out. Never said the words will you be my girlfriend, but I ddint need too. I knew it was what you wanted and you were just waiting for me to be free from my messed up situation. And for that I thank you.. I thank you for waiting and for picking me. You believed in me you picked me and you waited for me. So now I wait for you. I wait for you to fly 14 hours back to me.

So November 5th, marks 6 months, and your doing top secret stuff with your bro and im here impatiently waiting while i have nothing. I have nothing planned, no gift, card, nothing. Epic Fail on my part. But 6 months, is 6 months toward forever.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

head up

best part about blogging....

people always assume your blogging about them when in reality its about something totally and completely different.

fyi- if im calling you out id say it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I told you so

I told you so, 
I bet it sucks, 
Dont come back
Cause I dont give a fuck

Dont you love how things play out? 
But im the one laughing now. 

The consequences are severe
Bet your ready to run for here

Dont come knocking
no one is home
all there is 
is an I told you so... 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

time difference

So CC is in Hawaii, which this seven day six night vacation of hers will mark the first full week we have spent away from each other, i have noticed that i am a serious girly girl. I cried the night before she left, I called when she left, and when i got back to the house, and again at work, and again before falling asleep alone for the first time in five months.

this time apart as much as it will suck, will be good for us. I think it will make me stronger. I hate to say it because i don't get to be dependent on people, i dont need people. Well, till now. I actually need candice and we depend on each other, for every thing. I like that we do things together. That we share things. That there really isnt a mine and hers it ours. the only thing that sucks about her being gone is that i cant sleep, i just cant sleep without her as my security blanket and I miss her like crazy, but im okay. I am working, going to class, doing homework, and i actually get to see my cousins this weekend.

Budgeting is my new project and any help would be appreciated. I need to save money for christmas, car insurance, and I want to go to hawaii next january with CC if we can swing it. I'd love to go for our one year but we cant do that. So January 2013 is the new plane unless her mom can help me bid on tickets for a cheaper price. We are also talking about going to my aunts and uncles in florida for spring break or in may, who knows. I want to do a road trip but who knows. As always money dictates everything. bah humbug.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

For the record....

Okay, after reading through old posts i have decided that i need to set the record and rumor mill straight,  gayly forward, whatever.

First of all, I DID NOT go to an all women's college and CHOOSE to be gay, ladies and gentlemen I was gay before I got there. It wasn't a choice that i made just for shits and giggles, i mean if anyone chooses to get hated on by some of the general public or their families, constantly have their human rights violated, and get spit on by old ladies in coffee shops, then they are pretty twisted, but this is not something I would choose to do.

Second, i may bitch about the people i have dated or have an interest in and sometimes I don't share the best of them or everything about our relationship, so don't judge, too much. S was an ass and treated me like crap, and really deserved me kicking his ass permanently to the curb so you can hate on him. And another reason to hate on him... he hooked up with a member of my basketball team! I dont know when this all happened and honestly I dont give a flying fig newton, but really dude go outside of my world for your next hookup. And to think I wouldnt find out about it? You silly silly boy. To add to that E, is a complicated mess. We were friends, we werent friends, we dated... ish, and broke up, and now we are friends again, deal with it. If she needs me Ill be there, no questions asked, probably with CC in tow becuase she is amazing like that.

My friends are the coolest, and I dont give them enough credit. I barely get to talk to them and its hard becuase we have different lives right now, but let me tell you. JT is pretty kick ass, she is doing this getting married, have my own place, teach school, apply to grad school, pay bills, cook, and plan her whole wedding and she still finds time to cuddle up with her man. Note to self... CALL HER! M is just messy, always has been always will be, and she knows that. She will figure her life out and what she wants and when she does look out world! B... B is moving, not right now but she will be and thats sad cause I dont want her to be far far away.  

And lastly, my relationship. My girlfriend has a kid, and he is smart and cute, says the darnest things, and of course you dont get him without his mama too. She is a trooper, and as i have mentioned before a great mom. So yes world I dont care if my girl hangs out with her or talks to her, cause guess what, i talk to her too and I hang with her too. However, thats not to say sometimes I dont feel insecure cause I do. I see them laughing together or hear them tell a story and laugh and i think what the hell, she has four years on me. Four years that I didnt know CC existed, but then i remember that in the end she picked me and she loves me, so who cares. Her ex is her bestfriend and they kept a friendship after a break up and thats hard, i know it is, and its great. So I cant complain to much there.

my cousin the other day asked me about whether i thought about writing as a career or a side note and who knows what i would do, would i publish this? write something like it? who knows. I write about what I know and usually thats whenever I get screwed over, fucked with, or just need somewhere to vent. The happy mushhy shit just kinda comes with it, and its not my fault that part of my life is finally starting to be amazing!

Friday, October 7, 2011


So the temperature gage in my car spiked like wicked high. added coolant. epic fail and a waste of 11 buck. tow car to shop. they say they can fix. test the engine in the am. and its shot. car is totaled. who cant get to class and work now. this kid. great freakin great!