March Madness

March Madness... The NCAA'S finest times battle it out for who is the best team in the country. 68 teams enter the dance. Every college kids and fans dream. Now everyone fills out a bracket. Millions of people print and bet on who will win it. When I was in high school we filled out brackets, paid our five bucks, and got daily updates as to who was winning the pool. My senior year I actually got third in the pool (thank you florida). So this year my bracket looks simular to every other year, and no im not that girl that just picks the higher seeds and calls it a day. Example: Nova (9) vs. George Mason(8), ive got Nova, why? because I always take Nova. Actually looking at my bracket I picked all of the nine seeds beating the eight seeds. My 5-12 upset? Clemson (12) v. W.Virginia (5), ive got clemson. Do I really think they will win it, nawww but it would be a great upset if they did.  I like the underdog. I like the teams that no one thinks will win because its usually those team that smack the cockyness out of some of these teams. Another team that I always go with in the first round, Gonzaga. Zaga has never let me down and they look good this year. Yeah they arent ranked number one or even five for that matter but I think like always they will make it to round two (technically three).  Last night I watched the VCU v. USC game, which leds to the winner playing Georgetown later this weekend. VCU won. Damn did they look good. They had it all, hitting every shot, every rebound. One kid got 15 rebounds. If he keeps that up G'town is going to have an issue. 15 rebounds is about heart and how bad they want it. Not saying that G'town doesnt have heart but they have been sitting and resting which is a good thing but VCU is coming in hyped up and hype can lead a long way. I picked G'town to win this game, but they make me nervous. This game is going to be a good one, and this will be one that I am sure to watch. My favorite team in the bracket, BYU. My money is on them kicking some serious ass. They are the underdogs, third seed, and with a kid that score 52 points in a game. My bet is that they will be the team to watch...

East: Round 2

Ohio v. Ala. State - (Ohio)

GMU v. Nova - (Nova)

W.V. v. Clemson- (Clemson)

Kentucky v. Princeton- (Kentucky)

Xavier v. marquette - (Xavier)

Cuse v. Indiana - (Cuse)

Washington v. georgia - (Georgia)

NC v. LIU - (UNC)

West: Round 2

Duke v. Hampton - (Duke)

Michigan v. Tennessee - (Tenn)

Arizona v. Memphis - (Memphis)

Texas v. Oakland - (Texas)

Cincy v. Missouri - (Cincy)

Uconn v. Bucknell - (Uconn)

Temple v. Penn state- (Temple)

SDS v. Northern Colo. - (SDS)

Southwest: Round 2

Kansas v. BU - (Kansas)

UNLV v. Illinois - (Illinois)

Vanderbuilt v. Richmond - (Vanderbuilt)

Louisville v. Morehead - (Louisville)

Georgetown v. VCU - (G'town)

Purdue v. St. Peter - (Purdue)

Texas AM v. Florida St. - (A&M)

N.Dame v. Akron - (Dame)

Southeast: Round 2

Pitt v. UNC Ash. - (Pitt)

Butler v. Old Dom. - (Old Dom)

Kansas St. v. Utah st. - (Kansas St)

Wisconson v. Belmont - (Wisconson)

St. John's v. Zaga - (Zaga)

BYU v. Wolford- (BYU)

UCLA v. Michigan st. - (UCLA)

Florida v. UCSB - (Florida)

And the madness begins.....

 

Eight

What do you do when you feel like giving up that you know that thats not an option? M would tell me buy a bigger drink and I wish that was the answer. Mentally Im done. Everyone can see it. My coaches. My teammates. I dont know what it is or how to fix it. What I want is to curl up in to TBs arms and hide from the world and my frustration, the other half of me just want to fuck someone up in the game tomorrow. Coach Kat asked us what motivates us. For me that answer was simple. KB. She is my motivation. With out her I wouldnt have made it through the last four years and I wouldnt have made it through this season. I need her. I need her to be there on senior day. I need her there holding my hand while we both cry. We do this for eachother. Without one another we wouldnt have made it. We wouldnt have survived.  There are eight games left and it seems I cant it slow down long enough to enjoy it. I am so frustrated with myself because every shot I take wont go in and then I dont have anyone on my team who tries to pick my head up. I want to win tomorrow. I want that feeling. I want the joy of winning. I want to feel like we are all on the same team, playing against someone else other than ourselves.

In eight games its over. No do overs, no second chances. There is no next season, next year. Eight games and its over and this time after senior day is not just that its over till we move on to something else its over over. Its not like high school where we then have a chance to play for four more years, its all done. Something I have done for the last seventeen years is suddenly over.

Eight games to cap off 17 years, eleven seasons, three trips to the cage, one shut out first half, one buzzer beater win, one ejection, one brawl, and one league champship. Eight games to end it all.

Thankful

"Come Lord Jesus, lets be bless, and let these gifts to us be blessed. Amen"

This is my familys prayer and it has been in my family for decades, and honestly I never thought Id ever have a connection to it like I do right now. The gift is life. The ability to hang out with friends and family, go to school, play sports, have fun, and just be. For the last two days I have been in a funk, in a mood, and this mood included feeling of anger, fear, frustration, and irratation. Now I play basketball better when I am angry but me playing angry and frustrated and irratated is not a good compo and I have been playing this way for the last two days and I cant shake it. I am in pain. My body is crapping out on me, my basketball team is falling apart at the seems, and the few things that I have going well in my life contradict one another. I learned today that one of my friends slipped on ice hit her already damaged head, broke two ribs, and was having seizures last night, and suddenly my prespective on everything changed. As much as this can all be over in a minute, all we have to live for is now, but pushing till the max will only increase the risk of not being able to live the life you want to live in the future. So for now I am greatful and thankful that she is okay and eventually with time will be better than okay. Now may be the time to put me first. To put basketball on the back burner and focus on the future. Focus on being able to walk down the isle and chase my kids around. What is more important? Walking in the future or basketball now?

FFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK

AHHHHHH!!!!! EPIC FAIL!!! Literally, EPIC FAIL!!! Damn it!

Blasting my music ridiculously loud on the bus trying to get my head totally focused on the game. Elms. The team to beat, the team to piss off, the girl that got away. I got of the bus blasting Riot by Three Days Grace, and walked in the gym with my total pissed off game face on, and I thought it would get me through. It failed. I knew from the moment I walked in she was there and that when it started. I tried to keep it together but I couldnt do it. I ended up crying in the bathroom and taking a mini walk to clear my head. KB's boyfriend met me in the hall and was like,"its okay clear your head and play your game." So then KB and I went to warm up right near her. She didnt even look at me and I think that hurt more. After the game, was probably the most nerve wracking because that would be the first time we would be eye to eye. After the exchange of good games, KB and I ran over to RJ our old coach who came to watch us play. It was good to have that distraction, to have something else to focus on. After the game, I was holding the door for some of the Elms people and KC walked by said thanks and I totally ignored her. I didnt know what to say or do. I just stood there like a deer in the head lights.

We got on the bus and I looked at my phone there was a text from her saying she was sorry. I freaked. She is sorry, she doesnt even know what she did to me to even start to say sorry. And we get to do take two of this whole thing on the 20th. I dont know if I can take the anxiety but I want nothing more that to beat the shit out of Elms, look good doing it, and make KCs head turn.

Till then its love and basketball.... and I hate that I dont hate her.

Shot 18- I hate that I dont hate you

Pay back

I'm seeing KC for the first time in 14 hours and I don't know what I feel. I just want to smack her hell I want to T to smack her and at this point I know that T still dislikes her in which case I know KC is lucky she isn't playing case pay back is a bitch.

Bring it Elms!!!

dont care

There are somethings we will never understand and cant possibly expect to. The things people do and say and they way the act might blow our minds but there is nothing we can do about it. We cant fix it, cant force them to see it our way, and sometimes its more than just a difference of opinion. My friends and I dont always see eye to eye and when we disagree on something its usually a difference of opinion. We discuss it and its done. Over the weekend I learned that you cant force passion. No matter what you say you cant get people to feel the way you feel about something. And as I right this I realized that I am truly sensoring what I am saying to avoid confrontation which drives me nuts. I dont know. I dont understand where you get off. But its done. We're done. I dont care anymore.

You can either throw in the towel, or use it to wipe off your sweat.

you decide

douche!

dear ref,
thank you for your doucheness.... now because of you and your attitude i cant put my full weight on my knee and I am on crutches and constant pain. Oh and your comments of encouragement can go suck it, because ice and ibprophin will not fix this and asking how my knee is when Im gimmping over on crutches will only increase your chances of getting beaten.

royally pissed,
my pcl ligament

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

faith

If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.

Damnit!

"If you'll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your lives.” you always taught me the most important things in life and told me to never give up... you always said "LET'S WIN TOGETHER."


well damnit... let's win.

<3GC always been a hero to me & my support ---- and you'll never be anything less

turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can't define what I'm after

I always turn the car around

Give me a break let me make my own pattern

All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered

I always turn the car around

I cant do this anymore. Im not asking for a lot, I just want things to be okay and well right now they arent okay. Id say that it is what it is but its not. i dont know how to explain how i feel or why i feel this way i just do. I want everything to be okay but its not okay. KC is pulling her usual disappearing act, JT's engagement party went off without a hitch and it was amazing to see how in love her and A are, shit hit the fan at home and I dont even feel like I should care about it but i do. I have all these emotions and i dont even know how to process them. E and I have been chatting and things are kinda okay, and basketball has started and I cant move. Im so sore. But a good sore, like working my ass off and feeling good sore. And in the mist of all this I was finally able to look at C and say that even though i feel like everything if falling from under me i know im okay and I can say Im okay becuase for the first time in a while I was upset and I didnt feel the need to slice and dice as I like to call it. 

I remember last summer watching an episode of the L word and Shane says that she feels like everyone wants something from me and I have nothing left to give, and well thats me. I feel like I have given everything I have to everything else and there is never time for me and at the end of it all i know my friends always tell me to take time for me and to just say no, but i never seem to be able to. For the first time in years I have something stable: I have K, J, T, C, L, and JT and even as it comes crashing down Im still standing and they are still there and its an amazing feeling.      

Shot fifteen: breaking down doesnt mean breaking even