Sunday, October 17, 2010

turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I cant do this anymore. Im not asking for a lot, I just want things to be okay and well right now they arent okay. Id say that it is what it is but its not. i dont know how to explain how i feel or why i feel this way i just do. I want everything to be okay but its not okay. KC is pulling her usual disappearing act, JT's engagement party went off without a hitch and it was amazing to see how in love her and A are, shit hit the fan at home and I dont even feel like I should care about it but i do. I have all these emotions and i dont even know how to process them. E and I have been chatting and things are kinda okay, and basketball has started and I cant move. Im so sore. But a good sore, like working my ass off and feeling good sore. And in the mist of all this I was finally able to look at C and say that even though i feel like everything if falling from under me i know im okay and I can say Im okay becuase for the first time in a while I was upset and I didnt feel the need to slice and dice as I like to call it. 
I remember last summer watching an episode of the L word and Shane says that she feels like everyone wants something from me and I have nothing left to give, and well thats me. I feel like I have given everything I have to everything else and there is never time for me and at the end of it all i know my friends always tell me to take time for me and to just say no, but i never seem to be able to. For the first time in years I have something stable: I have K, J, T, C, L, and JT and even as it comes crashing down Im still standing and they are still there and its an amazing feeling.      
Shot fifteen: breaking down doesnt mean breaking even

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