Tuesday, December 28, 2010

what had happened was.....

My PCL story:
So heres what happened. Last basketball season I tore my PCL. I have no idea how it happened or what actually went on. I didnt really think anything of it until I was preparing for this season. While running and doing our basketball workouts I noticed that my knee was doing some funny stuff. It was moving all around and shit. I showed our trainer what I could now do with my knee and not only was she grossed out but she immediately signed me up to see our team doctor. His answer: get a PCL brace and heres a script to see a orthopedic surgeon. So I got the brace and I love it. I love this brace. It makes my knee actual feel stable and although I was still able to make it pivot on its own. Anyway things we're great, that is until a ref told me I wasnt going to be able to play with my brace, and so the stubborn me said "fine, I wont." Bad idea. I ended up making my knee really sore and needed to have another MRI. Two weeks later, I was sitting in Dr. McBrides office. Dr. McBride and I have meet twice before. The first was for the first time I hurt my knee, the second was for when I broke my tibia from shin splints. Well four years later here we were again. Sitting in the office, holding the MRI results, waiting. Waiting to find out what was going to happen next. I have been told by trainers, doctors, and even my mother, that there is nothing that they can do for a PCL tear, and that they probably wont do anything. I didnt do the research on it, I just kinda let it happen. Whatever they are going to do or say, it is what it is. I thought I was going to need surgery, hell i told people that I was going to have surgery, but there was always this part of me that hoped that they would tell me that what I had been preparing myself for was wrong. The one time I wanted to be wrong, I was right. McBride looked at me knee, he watched me do all my tricks with it, ran the same test every trainer and doctor had done on it. And then he looked at the MRI report. He told me that I have a grade three tear to my PCL which basically ment that the ligament was completely torn and away from the tibia. Also, my tibia drops which its not suppose to do. After doing the assessment McBride looked at me and said "out of 100 knees I see 5 are PCL and of those 5 I'd operate on 1 of them. Most people that have a torn PCL get them from car accidents." Apparently Im special. Then we discussed surgery. What there going to do is take my quad tendon and make it into my PCL ligament. Happy spring break to me.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Fucking perfect by pink

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated this place, Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good, It didnt slow me down.
Mistaking, Always second guessing
Underestimating, Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, You're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean, When you talk, About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, Make them like you instead
So complicated, Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred, Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared, So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, And we try, try, try
But we try too hard And it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?, Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Oh baby pretty please
Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever feel
Like you're less than, Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me


My new favorite song. Story of my life. Thanks C. <3











Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

Posterior Cruciate Liagment (PCL)
Normal PCL


 
 

Grade III (severe) The PCL is either completely torn or is separated at its end from the bone that it normally anchors, and the knee is more unstabile. Because it usually takes a large amount of force to cause a severe PCL injury, patients with Grade III PCL sprains often also have sprains of the ACL or collateral ligaments or other significant knee injuries.

Procedure

A variety of graft choices are available to surgeons that include autogenous patellar or quadriceps tendon with bone blocks, or hamstring tendons. In addition, patellar tendon or achilles tendon allografts (from donors) may be used. The main portion of the PCL which needs to be reconstructed is the anterolateral bundles. Arthroscopic assisted or open PCL reconstructions involve removing the remaining native PCL, with care to preserve the ligament of Wrisberg if it is intact. A tunnel is drilled at the anatomic attachment site of the anterolateral bundle at the anteromedial wall of the itercondylar notch, in line with the roof of the notch and about 6-8 mm from the articular surface of the medial femoral condyle. The tibial attachment site is then prepared by identifying the normal attachment site of the PCL at the bottom of the PCL facet. A tibial tunnel is then drilled, at approximately a 75º angle and about 6 cm from the joint line, from anteriorly to posteriorly. Once the tunnels are drilled, sharp edges and soft tissues around the tunnel exit site are smoothed off with the use of a rasp. The graft is then passed into the joint and fixed in its femoral tunnel (usually with a cannulated interference screw). The graft is then tensioned distally while the knee is cycled several times to remove any slack in the graft. The graft is then fixed to the tibia, usually with staples, while the knee is flexed to 90º, distal traction is placed on the graft, and an anterior force is applied to the tibia. After fixation, the posterior drawer is assessed to verify a return of normal posterior stability to the knee, and the surgical incisions are closed.

Rehabilitation
Postoperatively, it is recommended that the patient remain in full extension for a period of 2 to 4 weeks for isolated PCL reconstructions. In multiligament reconstructions, the patient is often placed into a continuous passive motion (CPM) machine for range of motion. Patients are non weight bearing with quad sets and straight leg raises in the immobilizer only started the 1st postoperative day. It is especially important for PCL reconstruction patients to not have any posterior sag of their tibia which would stretch out the graft. Pillows or other support under the tibia is required for the first two months after surgery. After 8 weeks, weight bearing is initiated and more active rehabilitation is started.


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

finally

Took three finals today. And now I wanna go running! Coach Huntley, what have you done to me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

catch up

Okay here is whats been going on in my life, everything you probably wanted to know but didnt want to know all at the same time. So my friends are good kinda.

C and I have had  our ups and downs this past few weeks, and we are good now but we still have to learn how to communicate with eachother. I am the type of person where I dont say what I need and I just kinda let things happen and never ask for anything. I dont say when I need things and when I do need things I go inside myself or I relay only people who already know whats going on. Basically the night I messed my knee up was the same day that really hard for me and well after that weekend from hell, S came over and really treated like a queen. C and I were fighting and the entire bus ride home from the games and then we were fighting because C needed me and I needed S. It was a miscommunitcation and we have since fixed it but we are still working on things, and now C is home and I am home and I hate that she isnt right down the hall cause being home sucks.

K and I are stilll trying to work on things. We are still married, but things have gotten hard. K likes me, I know she does, and she and I are both trying not cross that line because we know its not going to happen. Dating K would be easy, it would be easy for us to do, but it wouldnt be fair. I dont feel the same way she does and I cant do that to her. I love her and I would do anything for her but I couldnt date her nor would I subject her to the horribleness that is dating me. Trust me K, you dont want to date me. I hope our marriage works becuase I really like my wife and I really want to keep her.

JT and L. I miss my girls. I miss all the time we spent together, so my new years resolution is to spend more time with them.

As you probably gathered from my previous posts, T and I arent talking. It took me ages to figure out what we were actually fighting about and once I did I know it was a big misunderstanding. Somethings are just better left misunderstood. Im not going to explain it, but I miss her. I know we dont have anything, but I do miss her. I miss the feeling of her arms around me but I dont miss the walking on egg shells feeling I had with her. Now its just me and basketball, and her and basketball, and that probably a good thing. I hope we can fix us, but I dont have the energy to fight her or fight with her. You win some you lose some, Im just going to let this one work itself out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So love. I quit. I quit girls. haha who am I kidding. KC is being KC. She is a douche. I finally got the memo that she is a douche and I deserve better, and right now she is playing the I am trying to be straight card and honestly Ill let her ride that one out for a while cause I dont really feel like telling her yeah no your gay. But then again everyone says that about me and I still hold out on me and S.

And now I am currently watching the Nanny and eating cookies and oh studying for final exams. FUCK MY LIFE. I dont get the girl instead I get a knee injury, a stomach virus, a sinus infection, and now I finally can take my exams and guess what I dont want too!!!   I wish there was more to tell you about my life. oh except 100%  sober I told E that her gf didnt have to worry about E hooking up with a boy because if she did hook up with anyone it would be me. I dont know what got into me but well E was speachless and on top of it all, she didnt say anything. Maybe the break will be a little more interesting.

tomorrow

My life tomorrow....
9:00 am - Spanish Final
10:00 am- Macro Final
1:00 pm- Real Estate Final
back to bay path to finish and hand in my CIT final

Monday, December 20, 2010

letter to the parentals

Dear Parents!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL!!!! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ASK ME IF IM HAPPY AND IF NOT WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY??? ITS NOT THAT HARD. PLEASE JUST BE THE PARENTS WE BOTH WANT YOU TO BE AND LOVE ME FOR ME, NOT FOR WHO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.

this includes accepting my major, my grad program, oh and my sexual orintation... just saying!

<3 your daughter

Saturday, December 18, 2010

things to remember about 2010

Things to remember about 2010
  1. Kamp
  2. Basketball 2010-2011
  3. 21st birthday
  4. Rome
  5. KC
  6. Nights with scott.
  7. ABBIE!
  8. times with C
  9. JT and A engagement party
  10. Drinks with M and BB
  11. Times with wright hall RAs
  12. Shopping with Jess and Laurel (platos :D)
  13. Running
  14. Nanny with Kayla
  15. "You are the only exception" even now.

forgetting 2010

Forgetting 2010
  1. I worked hard to not be that girl. I really tryed not to be the girl that fall for the girl from home and never lett it ago and for awhile i was doing that just that. We are friends. Could we be more yeah? Am I waiting for more? I dont know. I dont know what I want from her and thats a good feeling
  2. Fighting with T. Its all we do is fight. I really dont want to fight with her. Im not even forcing anything anymore because I just cant anymore. I cant fight with her anymore, I dont have it in me to fight anymore. I cant make her love basketball for all the reasons I do, I cant make her look at me and make her feel about me how i feel about her. She makes my heart jump. everything about that girl makes my head spin, and its too much. 
  3. I want to forget what I know, and remember what I feel. 
  4. GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! is the only thing that matters right now.  

giddy

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

dont care

There are somethings we will never understand and cant possibly expect to. The things people do and say and they way the act might blow our minds but there is nothing we can do about it. We cant fix it, cant force them to see it our way, and sometimes its more than just a difference of opinion. My friends and I dont always see eye to eye and when we disagree on something its usually a difference of opinion. We discuss it and its done. Over the weekend I learned that you cant force passion. No matter what you say you cant get people to feel the way you feel about something. And as I right this I realized that I am truly sensoring what I am saying to avoid confrontation which drives me nuts. I dont know. I dont understand where you get off. But its done. We're done. I dont care anymore.

You can either throw in the towel, or use it to wipe off your sweat.
you decide

Sunday, December 5, 2010

douche!

dear ref,
thank you for your doucheness.... now because of you and your attitude i cant put my full weight on my knee and I am on crutches and constant pain. Oh and your comments of encouragement can go suck it, because ice and ibprophin will not fix this and asking how my knee is when Im gimmping over on crutches will only increase your chances of getting beaten.

royally pissed,
my pcl ligament

Friday, December 3, 2010

grandpa

I miss everything about you.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

gone

Gone. This semester is almost over. grad school is approaching. friends are getting married, getting appartments, going off into the real world, and where I am? What I am I doing? Grad school, more school, more money, more time, that everyone seems to tell me its not worth. Escaping this place, escaping this world, is exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. Im done here, Ive done all I can and all I want to, but this place has been my home, this is where I found me and where I lost me, and leaving a place that is such a part of me is scary. There will be those that I miss, those that mattered then but will not matter later, and those that I simply cant wait to forget. Forgetting wont be easy or simple, but if its whats best, then it is what it is. And maybe its not forgetting, its just getting past everything that was and moving on to what is.

Friday, November 26, 2010

something new

For the first time I am out of words. I dont know what to write, what to say. For the first time I am staring at a blank page wondering what words are doing to spill out onto the screen, and the more I stare the more I realize that there are no more words. Its all out there.
It is time. Time to move from healing to living to smiling and laughing. It is time to find something new.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

period.

Behind
Lost and confused
Broken and bruised
Scared
Dared to care
disappear into thin air
Believe
faith and trust
take two
second chance
survival
deep breath
keep moving
running or walking
smile
because your alive

Thursday, November 18, 2010

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

trust

God would never give you more than you can handle. My typical responce... I just wish he didnt trust me so much. I am not a spiritual person by far, and I can probably name everytime that I looked at the sky saying "really!" I dont look to "the big man upstairs" for any advice or guiding signs but I have to say I do admire his trust in me. He trusts me more than I trust myself usually and as much I want to march my ass up there wring his neck and say cut the shit, I know at the end of the day Ill be right here, accepting every challenge with this quirky smirk on my face. I just wish we could trust people as much as the world trusts us. With everything each and everyone of us is dealt, every card, every bad hand, up and down, high and low, with everything going on we are a lot stronger then any of us know, we just need to have faith and trust. Trust in ourselves, trust in our families, and most importantly trust in our friends. It is our friends that are the glue that holds everything together even when we feel like everything is falling apart, they are there. Trust in them. Go to them. Love them. Be honest with them, and you will see its as easy as being honest with yourself.

Shot Seventeen: trust is trust

Sunday, November 14, 2010

light

Take my hand,
Guide me through,
Be the light,
That's all I ask of you.
I'm not a Frisbee
But a boomerang, 
So I'll come back
Every time you throw me away.
I love you
With all my might
So please baby,
Lets not fight
I'd run away,
I'd choose you,
I don't know exactly what to do.
Close your eyes,
what do you see,
Cause when I close mine
I see you and me  


Saturday, November 13, 2010

stage left

 I know I said that you were making hard for me to be mad at you, but that doesnt mean Im not mad all the same. This is when you come in with your big beating heart of yours and try to fix it. So enter stage left and get on that shit. Dont be one of those girls who just dont get it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Darlings

So C and I watch this show called dirty sexy money, which is about this family named the Darlings. The Darlings are filthy rich, obnoxiously spoiled, and the drama in thier life makes me glad that it is not my life. The drama in this show is crazy. It makes my life look pretty. Oh my life, what is my life. My life includes girls that disappear like the sun on a rainy day, crazy amount of homework, and friends that keep life totally interesting. On top of all the when I need a car most, I get in an accident and mess my car royally. I cant help but feel like not having my car is the worlds way of telling me I cant go running everytime she needs me. Now I cant go see her and I would be there at the drop of a hat and now I cant. I cant be there and its not only killing me its killing her, or at least she seems to. I called her sweetie and well I cant cause she hates the term and my other option was babe but I feel like that wouldnt go over well.  So the Darlings are these fictional characters that just live. They hide behind their money and power, but they live. Its all secretative and they keep it all from eachother but each one of them is just trying to live. And that is what life is. Its about living.


In the mist of watching this show an emotional moment came up and I found myself doing something I dont normally do. I was feeling something. I miss her. And for the first time the her I was missing was KC. I miss the idea of her, the thought of her potentially thinking about me. I miss her name being on my caller id, I miss her random texts of hey sam, I just miss her. I cant explain it and I dont understand it, but I miss her. And after how things ended I figure Ill never know what will be, but not knowing is killing me. Not knowing what could have happened is eating away at me. Ive written her letters and I just wish I had the balls to send them, and I know that texting her is a complete waste of my time because she wont ever answer me back, and when I see her when we play them, Im going to want nothing more than to grab her face and kiss her but I wont, Ill let T beat her up and gaurd her and hopefully get the chance to lay her on her ass long enough to extend my hand and tell her she should have picked me. And well she should have, and if she were to text me in three weeks from now or even two months from now, I know the story, I already know what I would do, say, feel, and I could write the story. She comes back, I swoon over her, get my hopes up, and well when things look good, too good, it will all vanish. The dopey grin on my face will last the length it take the sand to drain from the timer in my crainum game. And maybe thats what I miss most, that feeling she gave me, she made me feel alive.


Shot sixteen... Living and alive are two different things.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

tree

I'm laying here looking out my window, which allows me to see everyone individual walking from their dorm room to Blake, and there are some i know and some who I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. And I figure most people are like that. Hiding who they are, how they feel, and what they truly want to say, hoping that everyone just lets them keep walking. And then theres this tree, and for the last four years that I have been in my boss's office i have noticed this tree and each fall I fall in love with it more and more. Its fiery red leaves that at this moment are clinging the the tree and those that have fallen have managed to survive maintenance need to suck up ever sign of fall. Its these dark fiery red leaves that catch my eye every time I look out my window. The color reminds me of the color of the Cali Lillie's I want to hold at my wedding while the coldness of fall reminds me of the coldness of peoples heart and their disappearing acts. But all the same this tree still stands, it blows in the wind, lets some of the pieces fall and whenever I look back at it in the spring it will all be put together again, its kinda how Id like to view the human heart. It might get stomped on, squished, torn to shreds, and bleed a whole hell of a lot, but given time and the warmth of others (in the tree's case, spring) it heals and becomes hole.

painting

shattered heart
hopeful eye
theres always something she's trying to hide
if you look deeper
she'll only seem weaker
as life falls from the sky 
or sinks from the floor
the longer she stands reaching for her hand
she'll seem as helpless as a snowman is the sun. 
Look past the laughter, 
Look past the smile, 
hang out and watch for awhile
and you'll see 
as clear as can be
this painting does more than just leak

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

...

I dont have any profound words of wisdom, life change or saving advice, or the answers to any important questions, including my own questions, and on top of that I rarely take my own advice and as much as I try to be the girl who says fuck you whenever she gets hurt I know in the end no matter how hurt I am, and how much I yell and cry with my friends I will always be the one that gives out second chances, and thirds, and forth, and so on. I believe in second chances. I live by second chances.

I go after what i want even if it doesnt want me back, I fight for it and if I dont get it I stick around for the just friends speach that inevitably follows. I myself have given that speach and it sucks. It sucks to give, it sucks to hear, but I have come to notice that some girls just do thinngs to make that speach possible, do get your hopes up and then send them crashing into a million pieces because they want to feel better about themselves.

So my advice to those who may not be looking for it but might just need a pick me.... Stay mad as long as you can cause once you stop it hurts like hell, yelling, screaming, and crying are okay, and everyone has pictures to burn and its okay if someone else is burning your picture, you dont have to be in everyones photo album.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

Friday, October 29, 2010

:)


I have come to the conclusion that being happy is better than being sad and smiling is easier than frowning


Thursday, October 28, 2010

my apology....

Im sorry. I wasnt there and I should have been. I knew. I knew you were falling apart and I wasnt there. I didnt catch you, kinda like every time you didnt catch me, although Im sitting here holding back the tears trying not to let you see that I just want nothing more than to hold you and cry with you. All I want to do is hold you while you cry and make things better and I know I cant. I cant shake the feeling of I knew and I did nothing. I knew something was wrong and i brushed it off. For the first time I didnt go running, until you said those words. And after all the angry words we once said and the feelings we once had or still have none of it mattered. I still run to you. I will always run to you. I will always be here. I love you. So tomorrow I will write a letter to you, cry in T's arms, and hold my breathe until i see you again on saturday....

morning sunshine

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

blessed

Have you ever just wanted to scream at the people in your life, "pick me, choose me, love me!" Right now i feel like Im in a room, screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up, nevermind listening. I tell my friends that i love them all the time cause i truely believe that if you dont say it than they wont know and I always want my friends to know that at the end of the day no matter what i will always love them. however in terms of people i have dated I have only told four people that i l word them. No Im not talking about lesbian, Im talking actually saying I love you. I pride myself on my ability to count the number of girls on one hand.


I told E that and she will never let me forget it. She looked at me one night and said "do you really love me". And well yes I really love her. I will always love her and could never leave her alone in the world, but Ive also gotten to the point where i have a quote for everything and everyone. Now I have more than one quote for but the ones that stick out the most are "Someimes I might hate you but I will always love you" and "I want to give up on you, but I'm afraid no one else loves you like I did, and I love you too much to leave you alone like that, no matter how much you deserve it." And I am totally scared that no one loves her like I do, and I want nothing more than for her to love me back but I have come to terms with the fact that she never will love me like i love her. 


Next on the list of girls who never picked me but in my opinion should have picked me is KC. I dont understand that girl and I dont know if I ever will. As much as I would really like to be like fuck you to her I cant. I cant walk away. But the quote I would want to say to her is really long but here it is anyway. After all of this all I can hear are those meaningless cliches about having your heart ripped out of your chest. I should have known, I should've seen it coming straight at me like a speeding car but I didn't and I got hit hard and you (the driver) backed up only to make sure I wouldn't move again before speeding off. I should've seen it but i was blinded by the color of your eyes every time they met mine. call me a sucker, call me a loser, call me a creep call me anything! just don't ignore me anymore. i should have listened to the voices telling me to stay away but i shrugged them off because all i could hear were your words that are now so useless, i ignored the voices in my head warning me about you for your thousand watt smile, perfectly colored hair and cute little button nose. now i cant even look at you it hurts like ripping out a tooth unmedicated. i don't want to hear your soft sweet voice anymore, i don't want to see your unforgettable eyes again so take your beautiful face and go away but before you do can i please have my heart back? and can you take out the knife? because i don't want it (or you)." And if she were to show back up in my life and know exactly what i would do. I would go all googoo gaga and dopey smile and all fall head over heals again for that girl.


And lastly theres T. Oh god T. I wish i could explain to her every thought and idea and imaginary thing in my head but not only would she probably not want to hear it I probably wouldnt have the proper words to say. T makes me feel safer than I have felt in a long time. I can be 100% vulnerable with her and not feel like I need to have an escape route or back up plan. I appreciate her for everything she's done for me, everyhug, every smile, everytime she's said I've got you girlie. But here's the thing, T is my exception. I told her at the beginning of the year, dont date bay path girls unless your willing to risk it all, and well Im pretty sure that she is my exception. Now I know she is reading this and I dont know what she will be thinking but I cant imagine my life without her in it and I cant believe how blessed I am that she stuck around knowing she was my exception.


And for C, K, J, JT, L, B, and M- "I was alone, angry and weird... until I met a group of people that didn't mind that I was alone angry and weird. They even loved me for it. So, I can't replace them and I can't imagine my life without them" and with out these girls I would be totally lost in the world. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Im so glad that I have had the chance to become such good friends with C. Her and I are so close I promise that her and I will be friends till we are old and senile, and then every day we will be new friends but we will still be best friends. K is the best wife... quack quack. Win! And the rest of the girls know how much i truely love and care about them. I wouldnt be me with out them. 


So at the end of it all Im one lucky girl and as pissed at the world as I am I know that I am truely blessed to have love and lost, laughed and cried, gotten drunk and been the DD, and at the end of the day when the world is falling from under me I have so many hands reaching out to catch me while I fall. I am truely blessed. 


<3 Sam




Saturday, October 23, 2010

tails...

Well tails won. Im walking away. Im not just walking away from KC, Im walking away from everything. Im walking away from finding someone, investing in someone, opening my heart to someone just to learn that its all games and I will never be good enough.


Right now I wish I was invisible. Im blasting my music so I dont have to hear myself think so I dont have to doubt myself but no matter how loud it is I cant stop thinking. Just when i thought things were good and going to be okay and I was okay, this seems to be that this is the last straw, the last blow to the wall i have rebuilt for myself, like going back to the I'd rather feel nothing attitude is the only option. And at this moment, I'd rather feel nothing.

thanks life

Dear Life.
Cut the shit! Stop letting me fall for her and then have her disappear. Just stop. What I want is her -- but there's no sense in arguing that point since she seems so determined to refute it. Im going to flip a coin... heads I stay with it... tail, I walk. Who am I kidding.... I should just use a double sided coin cause Im always going to stick around.


thanks life... for nada!
Sam

Friday, October 22, 2010

Bubbles

What the Fuck!!!! Why cant I keep this girl around? Why cant for once, just once, she stick around long enough for me to show her that I am worth it. I am worth hanging around for. KC gives me bubbles, giddy smiles, and makes me do that dork smile that no one has seen in a while. So now what? What do you do when you are falling for someone who doesnt stick around long enough for you to enjoy their company. Everything seemed perfect with KC. I saw her last night and it was worth it, ever minute of freezing my ass off at the game was worth it. Especially for those hugs. Maybe my card and flower were over kill. maybe she is just bailing again. or maybe just maybe she is just busy with life and Im over thinking things. I dont know. I do know i get to see her again on saturday, and hopefully she will hug me and Ill go back to cloud nine.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

faith

If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.

you make me smile

One word......
KC!!!!!

and Im all smiles

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Damnit!

"If you'll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your lives.” you always taught me the most important things in life and told me to never give up... you always said "LET'S WIN TOGETHER."


well damnit... let's win.



<3GC always been a hero to me & my support ---- and you'll never be anything less

Sunday, October 17, 2010

turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I cant do this anymore. Im not asking for a lot, I just want things to be okay and well right now they arent okay. Id say that it is what it is but its not. i dont know how to explain how i feel or why i feel this way i just do. I want everything to be okay but its not okay. KC is pulling her usual disappearing act, JT's engagement party went off without a hitch and it was amazing to see how in love her and A are, shit hit the fan at home and I dont even feel like I should care about it but i do. I have all these emotions and i dont even know how to process them. E and I have been chatting and things are kinda okay, and basketball has started and I cant move. Im so sore. But a good sore, like working my ass off and feeling good sore. And in the mist of all this I was finally able to look at C and say that even though i feel like everything if falling from under me i know im okay and I can say Im okay becuase for the first time in a while I was upset and I didnt feel the need to slice and dice as I like to call it. 
I remember last summer watching an episode of the L word and Shane says that she feels like everyone wants something from me and I have nothing left to give, and well thats me. I feel like I have given everything I have to everything else and there is never time for me and at the end of it all i know my friends always tell me to take time for me and to just say no, but i never seem to be able to. For the first time in years I have something stable: I have K, J, T, C, L, and JT and even as it comes crashing down Im still standing and they are still there and its an amazing feeling.      
Shot fifteen: breaking down doesnt mean breaking even

Thursday, October 14, 2010

shot 14

Shot Fourteen:
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn

soundtrack to my life....

  1. Perfect- Doria Roberts
  2. I hate everything about you- Three Days Grace
  3. 32 Flavors- ani Difranco
  4. Pray for you- Jared and the long road to love
  5. Not Afraid- Eminem
  6. Didnt you know how much I loved you- Kellie Pickler
  7. This is war- 30 seconds to mars
  8. For good- Wicked
  9. Lover, Lover- Jerrad Niemann
  10. Undo it- Carrie Underwood
  11. You live you Learn- Alanis Morisette

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

piece by piece

So getting sick was a bad idea, really bad idea. As it turns out most of my weekend was just one bad idea. Where to start.... ummmm yeah. So I feel like shit both physically and emotionally. Physically Ive managed to catch a cold from hell, and this was the weekend that I couldnt afford to feel like shit. Friday and Saturday were fine and then on Sunday I was dead to the world. I saw E this weekend. That would be the bad idea number 1, or was it. I dont know, I feel like Im not thinking for myself becuase Im trying to listen to everyone elses opinions about her. I know my friends dont like her becuase of all the shitty things that she has done and the way she makes me feel. But all the same it comes down to this: I love her and I will always love her, and she is trying. She is trying to be there more than she ever has before and maybe thats a sign that things are changing and there is a chance that she might actually pick me over anything else. Now I know everyone is thinking that this is a waste of my time that she will never pick me and that at the end of it all Ill end up with exactly what i have now, a broken heart. Heres the thing, part of me says i dont care, and the other part of me says that listening to everyone else might not be a bad idea this time. Ive always done things alone and never really let anyone in and as much as my friends know me and many of them get the no filter Sam, E has seen something else. She has seen me with my gaurd down, 100% vulnerable, angry, happy, sad, crying, screaming, everything. She may not be able to give me 100% but having her rub my back on friday was all I needed to feel like she loved me. Do I know what will happen... no, can I even predict what will happen... not a chance, but what will my decision be, who knows. Im just trying to figure it all out, piece by piece.

Shot Thirteen: Piece by piece... bit by bit.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

broken

Some of us are just trying to get through the day without breaking something


the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Trial and Error

KC makes my anxiety increase. Not because she has done anything bad but because she always leaves. She gives me this dorky retarded look on my face but at the end of the day i know she will leave. So the elephant is back and its annoying. Why it that this happens? I know this time I have a reason but previously I didn't. Now most would say eliminate the anxiety cause, well I cant. I cant eliminate KC because she makes me do the giddy school girl thing that I haven't done since I was in middle school and I want her to be there. I want her to be apart of my life and to be more to me than just someone I see when we compete against each other. She is always on my mind, maybe not in the front of it or right there, but in the back corner, there's always KC. Always making me think maybe I should text her, even if its just a "Hey, I hope you are having a good day" or "good luck in your game." KC and I haven't spoken since Monday night and out of the blue she texted me today. Just like back in may..."Hey Sam". This thing is I was on a break from my class in the dungeon and so I could have a full convo with her and now I'm sitting in class wondering if she'll be there when I get out....

Well I'm out of class now and I'm still talking to her... she told me she "missed me". My instincts say question everything. I mean what gives, after everything we talked about, she misses me. How do you miss me if you just want to be friends and don't want anything else. Its not like she has made some dramatic effort to talk to me and I haven't really been there. Every time this happens I end up the one sitting here hoping to hear from her, hoping that this time she wont bail, wont disappear, and will want to be something somehow with me, and each time I never get that. I get this illusion that it might just work and then poof, its like haha wishful thinking. Is it stupid to think it will be different this time? or ever? Am I setting myself up to get hurt and be disappointed again? I wish there was a way to know all the answers cause trial and error is getting old.

Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change
Shot Twelve: Just hang on....


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

kick this

And the kicker lines up and... Kicks my day to shit. Fuck it


Shot Eleven: Invest in new play writer...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Anxiety... you suck...

Dearest anxiety,
Please go away. I hate you, and you never come when I think I should be anxious. You just show up and then you dont go away. I dont know how to fix you, why you happen, or how to make you stop, I just know that I feel like you are sitting on my chest and telling me that breathing is over rated. So please take your elephant sized ass off my chest and move on...


Struggling to breathe,
<3Me

Monday, October 4, 2010

24

Waiting on a chance, for love or hate, right now it seems to be more like hate then it will ever be love because i can just sit here and wait or turn and run.... 


Shot ten: heads or tales?

honestly...

So last night I finally lost it, and as C would say that implies that I once had it all together. But I really lost it. It was time to run for basketball and again T was late. J and I went to her room where we found her passed out cold, after we saw her I told her to go back to bed and that I wasnt going to make her run, and J and I left her standing there in the hall. As we were walking down the stairs I lost control of all of my emotions. I just started to cry and I think that it probably freaked J out a little bit. I just kept saying to her that I quit, game over, I cant do this anymore. I cant keep wanting something so bad and have no one else want it as much as I do. By the time I got back from the run, met with B, and then came back to my dorm room and actually said the dreaded words... we need to talk. T came over and she just looked at me and said lets have it... and I flipped. I told her I was pissed off, I was so angry at her, and over sleeping wasnt an answer. I get the over sleeping stuff, shit happens, its a mistake but this is it for me. I dont have a next year or another chance at this and for the first time in four yaer basketball is actually meaning more to me than it ever has before. There are so many people in this world/community that dont want us to succeed, we will play in gyms that are freezing cold and turn our lips blue, we dont have a home court, and somedays we even get locked out of our own gym. But heres the thing aobut this team: we have eachother. We have to, and if we are fighting eachother we will lose everything else. We have talent this year, we have a chance, new team, new coach, new dream, but I need everyone. I need her. I need T to be there. I told her I wont beg her to play and that it sucks that as a freshman there was a lot of pressure on her and J. She is good, really good. She has a lot of talent and I can see the passion and love she has for this game in her eyes everytime she gets the ball. Its all there, but I need her to be there, not just for me but for our team. I dont beg, I wont get down on my hands and knees and beg her to play, but if she wants to do this she needs to be there. I also told her that one day she would have a freshman just like this and she would be having this conversation and she will remember me. Im not trying to be bitchy to her I just want her to understand that this is my life and basketball and I have a really rough relationship but for once I know after this year I know I am going to miss this... even the running part.


Risk nothing gain nothing... take me or leave me, this is me and most days I might just be a hot mess, but I love passionatly, care too much, and put everyone before me, and most days I wouldnt have it any other way and yesterday that was clear. Honesty will work, i hope.


here to waiting 24 hrs...


Shot Nine: Risk nothing, gain nothing...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    




I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.


"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"


Shot Eight: Stop surrendering... 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.


My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  


Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Running in the Rain

Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.


I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.


Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law.  It was great and it made me feel better.


Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.


<3 Me


Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....

Monday, September 27, 2010

Friends for a Lifetime

Friends... their hard to come by but when you find them, trust me never let them go. I have amazing friends. JT and L, are my "i wanna fix everything girls" who know me inside and out and still love me. We have enjoyed the cruz together, phase ten, and just three amazingly epic years together. I wouldnt trade them in for the world because they would never leave me high and dry and I will always be there for them. And then there is C. C is fun, crazy, and if you asked me freshman year if her and I would be friends my answer would have been no. But here we are in our senior year, and she gets me. She gets me without having to ask a million questions or need a million answers, she just gets it. She can hold me while I cry, snap me out of a freak out, and is just there for a lot of laughs. C tells me she will most likely run cause thats what she does and I just keep telling her that I can out run her and I really will. I dont want her to run away from being friends with me, and I will chase after her cause I have never had a bond with someone like this. As if my good friends couldnt get any better, I have K and J. I call K my wife, and we just clicked when we first met. She laughs with me, talks to me, and we just enjoy eachothers company. K is easy to talk to and I know I can tell her anything without hesitation. j is my basketball buddy, and we have a high school musical relationship. Im Vanessa and she is Troy and we are eachothers motivators. She makes me run and work hard and I do the same for her.


Shot Five: Friends are forever... no matter where you are.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

wanted

So I am getting use to wanting what i cant haveand not wanting what I can have. I have fallen for enough people to konw what when they dont pick you it sucks. Ive always been like this, keeping a comfortable distance, not getting to close, and Ive come to realize that it is worth the risk. S is a guy that has become one of my best guy friends and when he and I talk its usually just the regular bull shit except if i were to be with a guy he would be it, and I would seriously do anything for that boy. I just wish he wanted me like that too... That seems to be the sagga of my life cause well I wanted E she didnt want me, I wanted S and he didnt want me, and then/now I want KC and she doenst want me. Except this time, it doesnt really bug me as much as it use to. I like the no stress of a relationship and the ability to be me... whoever that might be. Thats my goal... Figure out who I am and what I want no matter what it takes or how long....


<3 Me


Shot Four: Marco........ Polo?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Love like Crazy

So today my friends got married, and yes I cried. I cried last night when I called her, I cried this morning in the shower and then again when we were at the wedding. I did a reading in the wedding. I got to read winnie the pooh, and it was amazing. The whole thing was beautiful. She was beautiful.


Now Im back at school and back to the real world. I miss E. I dont want to miss her, but I do. I miss her being in my life, I miss her arms around me, I miss her touch. I know I cant have her back and I dont even know if I could handle having her back in my life. I wish I could just lay with her and have everything feel normal again. When I close my eyes I can see what we used to have. How it felt both physically and emotionally. I imagine thats how its suppose to be when you find someone you truely want to be with. But for right now Im searching for that feeling, that feeling of safety, security, and happiness.


<3 Me


Shot Three: I want to live to be 100 minus a day so I dont have to live without you, whoever you is.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear Heart, My bad

Dear Heart,
Im sorry. No but really this time, Im actually sorry for the idotic things I have put you through. I tend not to really care how mashed up messed up or crushed you get in the process of me falling for a girl and guess this time i feel like i should just warn you before that happens. No I havent fallen for anyone...yet. My plan, just so you know is to have fun and enjoy senior year... no strings attached. (cause that worked so well for me last time) I'm still working on getting over E and right now Im going to sit on the sidelines and let you tend to your wounds because they are deeper than either of us could have imagined. However, I feel like I should warn you that there is this girl... and your probably thinking here we go again, but no, its different. She's the girl I cant have. Ive played ball against her(KC), meet her, danced with her, texted and flirted with her, and almost fallen for her, and then well she vanishes. KC is tall, funny, georgous, and we have a lot in common, except I cant keep her from vanishing on me every time things get good. I know she isnt ready for anything, and honestly Im sticking with the I just want to have fun. But dont worry heart, she already vanished on me so I wont be getting more attached to her than I already have. I'd like to promise you that I wont carelessly throw you to the wolves of lesbian drama here but Im trying hard to keep you in one piece... at least for now. 


Best of Luck! 
<3 me


P.s. Investing in BandAides might not be a bad idea.   


Shot Two: Some girls should come with their own first aide kits

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Back to Basics

First of all, its time to get back to basics and the true point of having this blog. The point of this blog was to document all the crazynesss and epic moments that truely consume my life. On that note, my life and I need to have a heart to heart about my life. So here it goes... cliff notes version...

Come to school, date girl, fall in love, break her heart for new girl. Love her, fuck it up, move on to high school crush. Fuck without feeling, ruin a friendship with MM, and then end it all. Date maine girl, break her heart, lose myself, and now spend the rest of my senior year fixing my life. And repeat. Seems to be the story of my life, except this year I am making it different. I want to fix things with MM, seeing as I royally fucked that up by putting E before her when she needed me. I have told MM this and we are trying to fix things, and honestly Im not asking for things to be perfect and back to the way they were, I just want my life to be more normal. And what is normal... well i have no flipping idea but its got to be better than this. Currently life is good, surprisingly good. Odd I know. I told E that I am done fighting for her that if she wants me she can fight for me, JT, L, and I are back to being the besties that we once were, and I'm actually loving basketball for the first time in 7 years.

I love my floor of residents, and they certainly keep me busy and laughing. For example, last nights epic visit of shnozberries and herpies... no i have no clue what this was about and why it happened but it just did, and well it was pretty damn funny. I have also come to the conclusion that keeping people in my blog straight is going to be pretty hard cause well they all have the same initails, so Im pretty much going to make this up as I go.



Shot one: Smile! It gets better

<3 me

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

life is good...

So it might be a surprise to read but life is good. Like really good. Ive got good friends, great teammates, and I couldnt ask for more. I would be lost without JT, L, C, K, B, M, T, and J. I really would be lost without them and I couldnt have asked for better friends.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

i think....

So, I finally said no to the one person that I have never been able to say no to. I walked away from her and for the first time I didnt feel like I was abandoning her. I didnt feel the need to go running back or make amends for something that I didnt think was my fault. And a week later I still dont. She texted me, asked me if I hated her, and well the truth is I could never hate her. She then asked if I strongly disliked her, and I said I havent decided yet. I didnt mean to be so cold, I just honestly didnt know what to say to her. She was/is i dont even know anymore. She was there, but only when it worked for her. She understood how i was feeling about things... kinda.

I was watching the movie ten things i hate about you and she was all i could think about. I hate the things she says and that she never lets me win at rummy, phase ten, or skipbo. I hate that she isnt there to hold me when i cry, and I hate the way she makes me laugh when Im sad. I hate that she knows me. I hate the way she lies. I hate the she wasnt there and I found someone that is. I hate that I want her to be there. And I hate that I dont hate her no matter how hard I try.

So I texted her last night...stupid i know. Really stupid actually. I just wanted to know if she missed me. If she actually missed me. And it turns out she didnt even know why I was mad at her. After talking via text message, nothing was figured out and surprisingly enough, I didnt feel anything. Do I miss her, yes. Do I need her, I dont know. I want her to want to be there, but I also want her to fight to be there. Its her turn to fight for me.

But if she isnt there, I'll survive.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

slip away

You asked me how many times I cried,
And the answer is too many
You wanted to know the fear I felt,
And I was scared always,
If I ever let go,
She'd drown on her own
And that was more than I could bare.
Would she wake,
Would she Breathe
Wiping away the tears from her cheek,
Her kiss so sweet
Her touch so soft,
But with every hit
And every shot
She slipped like sand through my fingers.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

im done

I wish i could say I was over it
That it didnt hurt to touch you
that listening to your voice didnt make me cry
but every time i decide to stay
all you do is lie...
Today I walked away
and you didnt shout my name,
you didnt ask me to stay,
as the world faded to grey.....
Questions with out answers
empty words,
erie sounds
as our love hit the ground.
Getting up, moving on
this is the end of our song
our good bye
its just sad it ended in a lie