Sunday, September 19, 2010

i think....

So, I finally said no to the one person that I have never been able to say no to. I walked away from her and for the first time I didnt feel like I was abandoning her. I didnt feel the need to go running back or make amends for something that I didnt think was my fault. And a week later I still dont. She texted me, asked me if I hated her, and well the truth is I could never hate her. She then asked if I strongly disliked her, and I said I havent decided yet. I didnt mean to be so cold, I just honestly didnt know what to say to her. She was/is i dont even know anymore. She was there, but only when it worked for her. She understood how i was feeling about things... kinda.

I was watching the movie ten things i hate about you and she was all i could think about. I hate the things she says and that she never lets me win at rummy, phase ten, or skipbo. I hate that she isnt there to hold me when i cry, and I hate the way she makes me laugh when Im sad. I hate that she knows me. I hate the way she lies. I hate the she wasnt there and I found someone that is. I hate that I want her to be there. And I hate that I dont hate her no matter how hard I try.

So I texted her last night...stupid i know. Really stupid actually. I just wanted to know if she missed me. If she actually missed me. And it turns out she didnt even know why I was mad at her. After talking via text message, nothing was figured out and surprisingly enough, I didnt feel anything. Do I miss her, yes. Do I need her, I dont know. I want her to want to be there, but I also want her to fight to be there. Its her turn to fight for me.

But if she isnt there, I'll survive.

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