giddy

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

grandpa

I miss everything about you.

flashback

Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

my apology....

Im sorry. I wasnt there and I should have been. I knew. I knew you were falling apart and I wasnt there. I didnt catch you, kinda like every time you didnt catch me, although Im sitting here holding back the tears trying not to let you see that I just want nothing more than to hold you and cry with you. All I want to do is hold you while you cry and make things better and I know I cant. I cant shake the feeling of I knew and I did nothing. I knew something was wrong and i brushed it off. For the first time I didnt go running, until you said those words. And after all the angry words we once said and the feelings we once had or still have none of it mattered. I still run to you. I will always run to you. I will always be here. I love you. So tomorrow I will write a letter to you, cry in T's arms, and hold my breathe until i see you again on saturday....

tails...

Well tails won. Im walking away. Im not just walking away from KC, Im walking away from everything. Im walking away from finding someone, investing in someone, opening my heart to someone just to learn that its all games and I will never be good enough.


Right now I wish I was invisible. Im blasting my music so I dont have to hear myself think so I dont have to doubt myself but no matter how loud it is I cant stop thinking. Just when i thought things were good and going to be okay and I was okay, this seems to be that this is the last straw, the last blow to the wall i have rebuilt for myself, like going back to the I'd rather feel nothing attitude is the only option. And at this moment, I'd rather feel nothing.

Bubbles

What the Fuck!!!! Why cant I keep this girl around? Why cant for once, just once, she stick around long enough for me to show her that I am worth it. I am worth hanging around for. KC gives me bubbles, giddy smiles, and makes me do that dork smile that no one has seen in a while. So now what? What do you do when you are falling for someone who doesnt stick around long enough for you to enjoy their company. Everything seemed perfect with KC. I saw her last night and it was worth it, ever minute of freezing my ass off at the game was worth it. Especially for those hugs. Maybe my card and flower were over kill. maybe she is just bailing again. or maybe just maybe she is just busy with life and Im over thinking things. I dont know. I do know i get to see her again on saturday, and hopefully she will hug me and Ill go back to cloud nine.