tough love

"All that i'm after is a life full of laughter, As long as i'm laughin' with you, I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after, After the life we've been through"

Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
 
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
 
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.
 
 

hearts and arrows

"my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds

my feet have left the ground

my life is turning around and round

and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad

oh bows and arrows

stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah

every heartbeat every kiss just

makes me wonder what all this is

suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah"

 And running like mad seems to be exactly what I am doing. I'm really happy with TB, really happy with her and just when things seem to be going in my favor everything falls apart. This past week I have been miserable. Id like to chalk it up to being a hormonal female but I feel like that isnt an option for me. I feel like Im taking that good thing in my life and putting it to the test. Can she deal with this? Can she handle me? Can she deal with the distance? Better question, can I? I thought I could, I mean Ive done it before with relationships in Albany and Portland and Ive never felt like this. Ive never missed someone this much, or felt so much anger at a mere three hours. Maybe this is how it is suppose to feel when you are being true to yourself and following your heart. My recent debate: I want to feel wanted and sometime I feel like Im just a bother to TB than someone she actually wants to be with. Now I know (after last nights conversation) that this isnt true but it still sucks and I know that just like the song, my head is telling me to run like mad but with every heart beat every kiss just makes me wonder what all this is. And right now this is like the snow, its going to stick around for awhile.  

giddy

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

blessed

Have you ever just wanted to scream at the people in your life, "pick me, choose me, love me!" Right now i feel like Im in a room, screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up, nevermind listening. I tell my friends that i love them all the time cause i truely believe that if you dont say it than they wont know and I always want my friends to know that at the end of the day no matter what i will always love them. however in terms of people i have dated I have only told four people that i l word them. No Im not talking about lesbian, Im talking actually saying I love you. I pride myself on my ability to count the number of girls on one hand.


I told E that and she will never let me forget it. She looked at me one night and said "do you really love me". And well yes I really love her. I will always love her and could never leave her alone in the world, but Ive also gotten to the point where i have a quote for everything and everyone. Now I have more than one quote for but the ones that stick out the most are "Someimes I might hate you but I will always love you" and "I want to give up on you, but I'm afraid no one else loves you like I did, and I love you too much to leave you alone like that, no matter how much you deserve it." And I am totally scared that no one loves her like I do, and I want nothing more than for her to love me back but I have come to terms with the fact that she never will love me like i love her. 


Next on the list of girls who never picked me but in my opinion should have picked me is KC. I dont understand that girl and I dont know if I ever will. As much as I would really like to be like fuck you to her I cant. I cant walk away. But the quote I would want to say to her is really long but here it is anyway. After all of this all I can hear are those meaningless cliches about having your heart ripped out of your chest. I should have known, I should've seen it coming straight at me like a speeding car but I didn't and I got hit hard and you (the driver) backed up only to make sure I wouldn't move again before speeding off. I should've seen it but i was blinded by the color of your eyes every time they met mine. call me a sucker, call me a loser, call me a creep call me anything! just don't ignore me anymore. i should have listened to the voices telling me to stay away but i shrugged them off because all i could hear were your words that are now so useless, i ignored the voices in my head warning me about you for your thousand watt smile, perfectly colored hair and cute little button nose. now i cant even look at you it hurts like ripping out a tooth unmedicated. i don't want to hear your soft sweet voice anymore, i don't want to see your unforgettable eyes again so take your beautiful face and go away but before you do can i please have my heart back? and can you take out the knife? because i don't want it (or you)." And if she were to show back up in my life and know exactly what i would do. I would go all googoo gaga and dopey smile and all fall head over heals again for that girl.


And lastly theres T. Oh god T. I wish i could explain to her every thought and idea and imaginary thing in my head but not only would she probably not want to hear it I probably wouldnt have the proper words to say. T makes me feel safer than I have felt in a long time. I can be 100% vulnerable with her and not feel like I need to have an escape route or back up plan. I appreciate her for everything she's done for me, everyhug, every smile, everytime she's said I've got you girlie. But here's the thing, T is my exception. I told her at the beginning of the year, dont date bay path girls unless your willing to risk it all, and well Im pretty sure that she is my exception. Now I know she is reading this and I dont know what she will be thinking but I cant imagine my life without her in it and I cant believe how blessed I am that she stuck around knowing she was my exception.


And for C, K, J, JT, L, B, and M- "I was alone, angry and weird... until I met a group of people that didn't mind that I was alone angry and weird. They even loved me for it. So, I can't replace them and I can't imagine my life without them" and with out these girls I would be totally lost in the world. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Im so glad that I have had the chance to become such good friends with C. Her and I are so close I promise that her and I will be friends till we are old and senile, and then every day we will be new friends but we will still be best friends. K is the best wife... quack quack. Win! And the rest of the girls know how much i truely love and care about them. I wouldnt be me with out them. 


So at the end of it all Im one lucky girl and as pissed at the world as I am I know that I am truely blessed to have love and lost, laughed and cried, gotten drunk and been the DD, and at the end of the day when the world is falling from under me I have so many hands reaching out to catch me while I fall. I am truely blessed. 


<3 Sam

turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can't define what I'm after

I always turn the car around

Give me a break let me make my own pattern

All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered

I always turn the car around

I cant do this anymore. Im not asking for a lot, I just want things to be okay and well right now they arent okay. Id say that it is what it is but its not. i dont know how to explain how i feel or why i feel this way i just do. I want everything to be okay but its not okay. KC is pulling her usual disappearing act, JT's engagement party went off without a hitch and it was amazing to see how in love her and A are, shit hit the fan at home and I dont even feel like I should care about it but i do. I have all these emotions and i dont even know how to process them. E and I have been chatting and things are kinda okay, and basketball has started and I cant move. Im so sore. But a good sore, like working my ass off and feeling good sore. And in the mist of all this I was finally able to look at C and say that even though i feel like everything if falling from under me i know im okay and I can say Im okay becuase for the first time in a while I was upset and I didnt feel the need to slice and dice as I like to call it. 

I remember last summer watching an episode of the L word and Shane says that she feels like everyone wants something from me and I have nothing left to give, and well thats me. I feel like I have given everything I have to everything else and there is never time for me and at the end of it all i know my friends always tell me to take time for me and to just say no, but i never seem to be able to. For the first time in years I have something stable: I have K, J, T, C, L, and JT and even as it comes crashing down Im still standing and they are still there and its an amazing feeling.      

Shot fifteen: breaking down doesnt mean breaking even

broken

Some of us are just trying to get through the day without breaking something


the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.


My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  


Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you

puzzel

There are certain people who are not meant to fit in your life, no matter how much you want them to.

Remember me

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it because you can't know. You can't ever really know the meaning of your life. And you don't need to. Just know that your life has a meaning... Every life has a meaning, whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life... And every death... changes the world in its own way. Ghandi knew this. He knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning. He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. And so do I. You can't know. So don't take it for granted, but don't take it too seriously.Don't postpone what you want. Don't leave anything misunderstood. Make sure the people you care about know. Make sure they know how you really feel, because just like that... it could end.

-Remember Me

learning to breathe

"That I'm learning to breathe

I'm learning to crawl

I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall

I'm living again, awake and alive

I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies"

love equally

quotes

"Lets play truth or dare. Or just dare because nobody ever really tells the truth anymore."

"And I just can't keep living this way

So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage

I'm standing up, Imma face my demons

I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground

I've had enough, now I'm so fed up

Time to put my life back together right now"