Tuesday, December 27, 2011


I love my job and my co-workers, all but one. She gets under my skin but seeing as she is an "expert" and a MOD every now and then she kind of demands a little bit of respect or at least she did. No one at the store likes this girl but it was mostly that she got on everyone's  nerves thing rather than a huge issue, until now.

Issue one: CC and I went on break at the same time so she cornered CC in the warehouse, yelled at her, and told her that it was against staples policy for us to be dating. Which is wrong because it isnt against policy, all of our important managers know that we are together, and the GM that hired us takes credit for us being together. Like seriously what was she thinking. Either way when CC told me I flipped. Dont talk about my relationship and dont tell me what I can and cannot do. I am very protective of my relationship and of my girlfriend. If you fuck with her you fuck with me and well that wont end well. I went to an all girls school where people talk shit all the time and judge every move that you make and I dont need that here at staples or in my new life. Needless to say, as angry as I was I managed to keep my cool when talking to our manager who is also gay. He was pissed, he talked to her, and then she apologized to CC, however over the next forty eight hours word spread, many told us to go to HR and to tell another manager, others just said shew as a bitch but all were equally upset.

CC and I have made friends at the store. Scruffy is a techy who is complete nerd. Tech Chick. Oh man is she one of a kind. She is funny, weird, completely nerd, confused and number one tuna hater. Best part is that she  has everyones back. Banana is 7 months pregnant. Dont mess with a pregnant girl. And well last wednesday tuna messed with the pregnant girl.

Due to a scheduling error we didnt have a closer for the front end. Banana, who needed the hours and money, agreed to stay late meaning that she would be working a 12.5 hour day. Through the course of the day her feet were swelling so our manager N got her a chair. Well about 10 hours into her day, Tech Chick and her were talking about how many hour she was work and tuna comes up and in front of a customer tell her that its not really a ten hour day if you have been sitting on your ass.

Seriously, who tells a pregnant person that. First thats just mean second she is your freakin co worker, have some decency. And if you are suppose to be a supervisor then you shouldnt be saying things like that. The manager closing that night ripped her a new one and banana went to HR about it. Things were getting bad quick. The entire store was pissed at her, the manager she thought loved her was now done with her antics, and we were getting a new GM who didnt know what he was in for.

After that incident banana did call HR and tuna became under investigation, she still tried to talk to banana. Banana told her that she didnt want to talk to her and then she still pressed her. Everyone was watching and half of us were hoping banana would hit her the other half was simply hoping that Tuna would get fired on the spot. But she didnt instead she keeps digging a hole to bury her staples career in...

And to add to her hole, she ignored calls from out GM, called CC lazy to an associate who is more manager than her, and wouldnt help me find something but was then all about kissing my ass. I swear she has to be bipolar. Thats the other thing, she called CC lazy and I swear if Bunny (another associate) wasnt there i would have freaking reemed her ass out. I dont care what you say about me becuase my theory has always been "go ahead talk shit, make me famous" but keep CC out of your mouth. Dont make fun of her, pick on her, upset her, call her stupid, or lazy or anything because i will freak out. CC has seen me freak out on someone for insulting her and its really not a pretty sight.

So thats staples and I love it, and Ill do anything I can to keep working lots of hours and making sure that Tuna stays away from me and CC.

Happy Digging Tuna, Everyone else Happy New Year!!!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


So my blogging has royally sucked lately and i apologize. I dont know what to post about.

Classes are almost over. I have never been in a class where it was socailly acceptable to show up and sign into class at 9:54 when class ends at 9:55 but hey! what ever works. Also, doing ti chi exercises will not change the fact that I am tired and I dont care about your class. This class Im talking about is my wellness class, aka health for big kids. There are currently 14 kids in my class including myself, when there are suppose to be 23 on the roster. The average number of people in this class is usually 10, three of us are doing something else, two are sleeping, one is doodling. Can you say boredom? The test are take home but the final is in class, on two chapters. Basically a waste of 1500 dollars thats for sure. 9:44 am, and someone just walked into class, and yes she will get full credit to be here. what the fuck.

Staples... that was easy. I have been working 40 hours a week, not 39 hours and 59 minutes not 40 hours and 1 minute, 40 hours on the nose because my boss is worried about overtime. In the coming weeks I will be training to be an easy tech associate, because well im that good and i can sell shit. I like being a cashier and is office supplies. I need more money though. and I want to have magic numbers. My manager Jimmie is a dick and needless to say Im after his job.

Love. Is good. Im going to marry this girl. No questions asked. I cant wait to see what she got me for xmas and I would tell you what I got her but she will read this. And she is plotting with M and B, which i love but now i have to plot with them and they better not be out of ideas.

Finals... ew! Must. Make. Notecards. ASAP. :) but a movie and cuddling sounds so much better.

Oh, and moving to middle of nowhere new hampshire = no snow so far... LOVE IT!!!

Happy Holidays!

Monday, October 24, 2011


i love you. not because i have to, but because i can. nobody told me to chase you. nobody told me to look at you. nobody told me to give you a chance. i made that decision. i picked you. i choose to love you, to let myself fall in love with you, to be yours. And thats the point. I am yours. I look at you the same way I looked at you back in February, and in march, and in april. When we have sex its not about the action, I look at the beauty, the passion, feeling of your touch.  You are beautiful and your touch still sends chill up and down my spine. For the last week you have been far away and i have missed your touch, but its like being back to february, cause that smile the crossed my face everytime you texted me was back, and all my face muscles got a full work out with all the smiling i have done. So maybe or texts changed when you were away and we were all cute and lovey dove, maybe we missed each other more, who knows, but what i do know is that when i look at you i get butterflies. When you come into a room, i smile, when Im in a room with you and whoever else i still feel like the only girl in world. When you hold my hand, it gets that first time we've held hands feeling. You know that clammy sweaty feeling. When you wrap your arms around me its the safest place in the world.

So 5 months 2 weeks and 6 days into this adventure and I still get the same feelings I felt back all those months before I told you bestfriends then boyfriend that our girlfriends were weird. I admit I never really asked you out. Never said the words will you be my girlfriend, but I ddint need too. I knew it was what you wanted and you were just waiting for me to be free from my messed up situation. And for that I thank you.. I thank you for waiting and for picking me. You believed in me you picked me and you waited for me. So now I wait for you. I wait for you to fly 14 hours back to me.

So November 5th, marks 6 months, and your doing top secret stuff with your bro and im here impatiently waiting while i have nothing. I have nothing planned, no gift, card, nothing. Epic Fail on my part. But 6 months, is 6 months toward forever.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

head up

best part about blogging....

people always assume your blogging about them when in reality its about something totally and completely different.

fyi- if im calling you out id say it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I told you so

I told you so, 
I bet it sucks, 
Dont come back
Cause I dont give a fuck

Dont you love how things play out? 
But im the one laughing now. 

The consequences are severe
Bet your ready to run for here

Dont come knocking
no one is home
all there is 
is an I told you so... 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

time difference

So CC is in Hawaii, which this seven day six night vacation of hers will mark the first full week we have spent away from each other, i have noticed that i am a serious girly girl. I cried the night before she left, I called when she left, and when i got back to the house, and again at work, and again before falling asleep alone for the first time in five months.

this time apart as much as it will suck, will be good for us. I think it will make me stronger. I hate to say it because i don't get to be dependent on people, i dont need people. Well, till now. I actually need candice and we depend on each other, for every thing. I like that we do things together. That we share things. That there really isnt a mine and hers it ours. the only thing that sucks about her being gone is that i cant sleep, i just cant sleep without her as my security blanket and I miss her like crazy, but im okay. I am working, going to class, doing homework, and i actually get to see my cousins this weekend.

Budgeting is my new project and any help would be appreciated. I need to save money for christmas, car insurance, and I want to go to hawaii next january with CC if we can swing it. I'd love to go for our one year but we cant do that. So January 2013 is the new plane unless her mom can help me bid on tickets for a cheaper price. We are also talking about going to my aunts and uncles in florida for spring break or in may, who knows. I want to do a road trip but who knows. As always money dictates everything. bah humbug.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

For the record....

Okay, after reading through old posts i have decided that i need to set the record and rumor mill straight,  gayly forward, whatever.

First of all, I DID NOT go to an all women's college and CHOOSE to be gay, ladies and gentlemen I was gay before I got there. It wasn't a choice that i made just for shits and giggles, i mean if anyone chooses to get hated on by some of the general public or their families, constantly have their human rights violated, and get spit on by old ladies in coffee shops, then they are pretty twisted, but this is not something I would choose to do.

Second, i may bitch about the people i have dated or have an interest in and sometimes I don't share the best of them or everything about our relationship, so don't judge, too much. S was an ass and treated me like crap, and really deserved me kicking his ass permanently to the curb so you can hate on him. And another reason to hate on him... he hooked up with a member of my basketball team! I dont know when this all happened and honestly I dont give a flying fig newton, but really dude go outside of my world for your next hookup. And to think I wouldnt find out about it? You silly silly boy. To add to that E, is a complicated mess. We were friends, we werent friends, we dated... ish, and broke up, and now we are friends again, deal with it. If she needs me Ill be there, no questions asked, probably with CC in tow becuase she is amazing like that.

My friends are the coolest, and I dont give them enough credit. I barely get to talk to them and its hard becuase we have different lives right now, but let me tell you. JT is pretty kick ass, she is doing this getting married, have my own place, teach school, apply to grad school, pay bills, cook, and plan her whole wedding and she still finds time to cuddle up with her man. Note to self... CALL HER! M is just messy, always has been always will be, and she knows that. She will figure her life out and what she wants and when she does look out world! B... B is moving, not right now but she will be and thats sad cause I dont want her to be far far away.  

And lastly, my relationship. My girlfriend has a kid, and he is smart and cute, says the darnest things, and of course you dont get him without his mama too. She is a trooper, and as i have mentioned before a great mom. So yes world I dont care if my girl hangs out with her or talks to her, cause guess what, i talk to her too and I hang with her too. However, thats not to say sometimes I dont feel insecure cause I do. I see them laughing together or hear them tell a story and laugh and i think what the hell, she has four years on me. Four years that I didnt know CC existed, but then i remember that in the end she picked me and she loves me, so who cares. Her ex is her bestfriend and they kept a friendship after a break up and thats hard, i know it is, and its great. So I cant complain to much there.

my cousin the other day asked me about whether i thought about writing as a career or a side note and who knows what i would do, would i publish this? write something like it? who knows. I write about what I know and usually thats whenever I get screwed over, fucked with, or just need somewhere to vent. The happy mushhy shit just kinda comes with it, and its not my fault that part of my life is finally starting to be amazing!

Friday, October 7, 2011


So the temperature gage in my car spiked like wicked high. added coolant. epic fail and a waste of 11 buck. tow car to shop. they say they can fix. test the engine in the am. and its shot. car is totaled. who cant get to class and work now. this kid. great freakin great!

Monday, September 26, 2011

really? Fucking really???

So the other day I was having a total I miss my mom day, again. And well it was really bugging me. I was feeling icky, insecure, unsure of everything, forgotten, and well i missed my mom and my friends. After telling CC that i was missing my mom and my friends, crying a lot, and having her reassure me that it was going to be okay. She also said why dont you tell her. So I did. I texted her simply saying I miss my mom and you know what??!?!?!?! She not only never answered me but she had my dad call me instead! Seriously! Honestly that just made it worse. Here I am in a house with m girlfriends parents that honestly love me and i cant get my mom to even admit that she misses me. UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Then she calls me today, 48 hours later and tries to make plans for this weekend.

On a differnet note, CC gave me a ring! Its a claddagh ring, with the north star in the middle. Apparently she talked to B and M about it for like the last month or more. :) Anyway, I knew she had something planned or was doing something, then saturday night we were laying in bed and she just put it on my finger! It was amazing. I immediately bolted out of bed turned on the light blinding CC to look at it. She asked me if I saw the middle, and of course I had. In the middle is the north star. Awhile back CC and I were talking about the north star and it leading home, and I said well yeah, except the north star doesnt lead me home it leads me straight to you. Which is true, if I follow the north star it takes me directly to her house. On totally clear nights it actually looks like the north star is directly above her house. Its awesome. So thats my ring! And I LOVE IT!!!!!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Six Word Saturday and pictures :)

Six words about me. 
I don't always like to share...  
except with little man
I'd share with him all day every day

He's sooooo cute!!!!

Monday, September 19, 2011

I miss my mom.
She may be a bitch sometimes and her and i don't always see eye to eye, but all the same i miss my mom.

Shit I hate

Shit I Hate Sundays
Finally got a job, at the same place as CC and well its been interesting. I like it, but its not Kamp or being an RA. I really want an RD job.

Anywho Shit I hate Sunday…

Shit I hate… missing the football game cause Im working and It was a damn good game. Grrr.

Shit I hate… the fact that the sox cant freaking win a game let actually pitch.
Speaking of pitch…. I hate that my girlfriend knows all of my strategies in that game and then kicks my ass in it. Ughhhh Im sooooooo kicking her butt tonight

Shit I hate…. Missing my best friends

Shit I hate…. Stupid shit on T.V. I mean how many fucking talk shows do we need to have, also, dance moms or that other pageant is messed up. NO two year old should be fucking spray tanned or have teeth whitening. Anyone else see a problem with that.

And finally…. I HATE that we spend billions on trying to fix other countries but cant fix our own damn problems. Oh and our education system might not suck as much if we didn’t always cut the budget, just saying. And FYI, you CAN’T have an plan to reduce obesity in kids that requires more education on nutrition and fitness when you have just CUT gym and health from the curriculum!!! Ya morons!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Teen Mom

Sooo I am watching the show teen mom. B and I use to watch this show all the time and could never get enough of it. We use to bitch and moan about the girls we liked didnt like or if we just thought they were being stupid. Most of the time we were just pissed that they made it look soo freaking easy. Now that I am watching it with out B, my bitching has been moved to my blog. I have two friends that are teen mom. And they are kick ass. One works two jobs barely sleeps and doesnt always get a lot of time with her son. The other, is working and trying to learn and make a better life for herself. Luckly for one them the father plays a role in her sons life, for the other not as much. The first girl I mentioned is CC's ex. And she is pretty kick ass. Her baby daddy is "thing" or "fuckhead" depending on who you ask. He is worthless. He doesnt do anything and he has done nothing but hurt Kt and well thats just not cool. She works hard and she deserves to be happy. Kt is lucky cause she has Dada which is my girl. And I am lucky because at 8:50 this morning i got a phone call from little man and got to talk to him while CC worked. She is going to be so pissed that she missed his phone call. CC and I try to help with liam whenever Kt needs and we get him this weekend and I cant wait.

The second mom I was talking about is Shrimpy. She is awesome. She is my shrimpy and Im here jiganto :) Shirmpy and CC are best friends and I love that both her (cc) and I can fit in with each other friends. So the Shrimpster is fun loving, hard working, and she is a really good mom. I dont know the whole story but she is pretty kick ass. And if you go to http://thisismylifeaslizz.blogspot.com/ you can read her blog.

Basically my real life teen moms are pretty kick ass compared to MTV's, dont you think.

And Im linking up to this crazy mama!! check it out.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Every generation

Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got

Sunday, September 11, 2011

up to date

Okay here is the mother of all life updates. 

C and I are no longer friends. why? who knows? I only found out because she never answers my phone calls or text me, and has apparently blocked me off facebook. oh well. I feel bad because I did actually care about her and I only say did because I don't really anymore. Was she a friend, yes. Will i miss her, i don't know. I miss her life updates and her silly antics. I miss her telling me to stop freaking out. But she hasn't been around. I have seen her since graduation. And we only really talked when life was falling apart. So oh well, shit happens. This whole not being friends thing is seems to be following suit, with A. She has left too. Wont answer my texts or anything like that and blocked me. Rumor has that she and C are dating and maybe that it true but either way I'm over that one too. And if they are well good for them, people deserve to be happy in the world, contrary to the horrible events that life throws at them.  

Holy grad school batman. Literally, school is good. Its a great place, or so I have been told. Living on campus is totally stupid and is a waste of money. I really should be staying at my parents place in stoddard or just finding an apartment or something. I haven't been around really because on Tuesdays and Thursdays when i dont have class I spend time with CC and then drive up early in the morning to get to my classes. The homework is finally starting so I at least have something to do with my life. And hopefully by mid week I will at least be work so that way I can have some sort of income. 

My apartment is awesome, and I should probably start spending more time there. The sitting room/Living room is huge, kitchen is tiny but good enough for me. I got the bigger room. Bath room is nice, its finally nice to just shower without having to wear flip flops. And well my roommate still hasnt shown up. This weekend Ive been down in MA so who knows maybe she came in this weekend and if she did that would royally suck ass. I like not having a roommate and just having the place for me and CC. 

So the shit have to do this week... Get a job. Write this stupid thing on sliding filament theory, write two reflections, and clean my room becuase aparently health and wellness checks actually exsist and are taking place next week. Oh Joy! I am not the neatest of people and well I am okay with that. I know I am not a neat freak but I can clean, wash dishes and ensure that my place isnt a toxic waste dump. I mean it may take me a week to do my piles of laundry but hey shit happens.

So thats my life. I miss my friends. I miss M and B like no tomorrow and wish they were around 24/7 again. I miss JT and L and cant believe that JT is getting married in like 8 months. Aside from the semantics of school and the day to day tasks of life, my anxiety has been low although it showed up yesterday, and I have been feeling incredibly insecure lately. I dont know why. My guess is that it has to do with my new enviroment and for the first time in a long time I dont actually know everything or everyone. And unfortunately that means that CC has to put up with me being whiny and emotional.

OOOOHHHH and get this. So we parked CC's car on campus the other day and the bastards gave her a 100$ thats right a 100$ ticket!!! like seriously. that's a little over kill aint it?

Bye For now

Monday, September 5, 2011

Role Reverse

So all summer I have been working. Monday thru Friday 8:30 to 3:30. And for CC it sucked. Leaving her in that room every day sucked for me but was even worse for her. She couldnt really go anywhere and she was totally trapped. Now the roles are reversed. She is at work right now and Im sitting here doing nothing waiting for her to come home, which wont be for hours. Its weird. And I don't like it. :(

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Rain Rain go away

So there is this new blog I follow and I absolutely love her shit, which is where a lot of my posts are coming from. Today is Shit I hate Sunday, but ill get into that after I do a life update.

First of all I have officially moved out of mine and CC's cars and into my very own two bedroom grad school apartment. The place is pretty sweet I might add. Bathroom is tiny but the shower is pretty kick ass. My roommate has so far been a no show so I basically moved in and took over. I've got the bigger room, although my mom says that i should have taken the other one just cause it was away from the street. But whatever mom, i wanted the bigger room. Now if my roommate doesnt show up I'm stealing the second bed and making a big one and moving the desk to the other room. I miss my big bed from the path. Today my parents came to visit, and back into the closet it went. However, I think the axe body wash and two tooth brushes in the bathroom should have said it all. Then we went to walmart, spent a shit ton of moneys and then lunch.

So the shit I hate....

I HATE..... when my mom is up my butt about not being social, when really she just doesnt like that Im gay.
I HATE..... that when my girlfriend is cranky I cant make it better therefor we are both cranky and thats not cool
I HATE..... this rain. Im over it and flooding. Im also over remembering my accident every time it rains.
I HATE.... being a girl. Being emotional is over rated.

and i'm sure i hate more but that's it for now...

<3 me

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Tough Shit!

Linking up with Good Mama. Bad Mouth and tough shit tuesday by posting my tough shits for the week. I guess shit happens and as my girl will tell you "No you don't always get what you want." So its not about me, its not tuesday, and I dont have a drink... tough shit

So its actually Wednesday....TOUGH SHIT!

I wanted to move into grad school after talking to my roommate but she has fallen off the face of the earth therefore its a ducky shower curtain for her...tough shit. Oh and whatever room is bigger is mine bitch. 

My parents are coming this weekend. Id like to tell them Tough Shit i'm gay but that wont happen so its back in the closet for this lesbian. 

I havent had a margarita all fucking summer... tough shit for me and my bartender. 

Vacancy.com blog

I am applying for a scholarship from vacancy.com and they asked that we blog about our dream apartment from their site. So here it goes.

I am going to be a grad student a Plymouth State and lets be realistic paying 4,300 dollars a semester in rent there is not exactly my ideal situation, not to mention this doesn't include a meal plan. I've done the whole having a meal plan thing and honestly would rather cook my own meals then eat crappy sit under a heat lamp, potentially day old, pizza for lunch. My dream place is at Penacook Place because the amenities are decent and the rent is cheap. The draw back to this place is that it is 45 minutes away from my school, however, being closer than close to the city of Concord is an added benefit, seeing as this broke college kid is going to need a job.

The other thing about this place is that it has the option of including two bedrooms. This would give me more space to do homework, entertain, or just plain relax. For me, that second room would be my study. It would be where I did my homework or just laid around and read a good book. I have always wanted to have a library, so I think this would be a cool way to start. However, getting the cheaper apartment labeled the Tilton wouldn't be bad either. There is still ample space and I'd be less likely to collect even more unnecessary belongings.One thing I would love to be able to do is paint the apartment to match my style. Another benefit is that heat is included in the rent. As a self proclaimed hater of snow, sleet, and all other things cold during the winter, having heat included in the rent is an added bonus.
Dream bedroom: Big bed, fluffy comforter, lots of pillows. My bedroom is my safe place and lounging in bed with a good book, or a Harry Potter movie is one of my favorite past times. I also like the idea of designing my own bedroom, and really creating my own space that is different from my cement box dorm room that I currently reside in. The kitchen. Before this summer I would have told you that I can't cook, however, I have managed to learn how to cook, which I love. Having a full kitchen will let me plan and cook meals and the dishwasher will be a life safer because I hate washing dishes. This living room will be where all the movie and t.v. marathons will commence. I am addicted to the t.v. show NCIS and I know that popping a bag of popcorn and curling up on the couch to the wittiness of Anthony big D little i Big N little ozzo will be a definite must. 

The best thing about this place is the pool. I am a swimaholic and would used the pool everyday it was open until the day that it closed for the summer. Whether it be sun bathing, sitting on the edge and reading, or just jumping in for a quick dip, I would put the pool to good use. Not to mention it would be a great spot for me to toss my girlfriend in (won't she love that!).

So basically this kick butt apartment will help this broke college student save some money, have a little fun, oh and I guess I should probably do some homework too!
Here's the link http://www.vacancy.com/new-hampshire/penacook-apartments/penacook-place

Sunday, August 21, 2011

you should all read this...

want a laugh, check her out


To Do List

Monday: Work, Pack, unpack, pack car for CC
Tuesday: Work, CC's, Transfer stuff to her car 
Wednesday: Work, Pack, Finish organizing room. 
Thursday: Pack Plymouth stuff, Move it all to garage
Friday: Oil change, Pack car. Target/Walmart/Dollar store trip for random shit. 
Saturday: Drive to CC's. Move to Plymouth. Unpack/organize. Come Back to CCs or stay there not sure yet. 

Aug. 31= classes start!!!!! 

Things I need or need to find:
mechanical pencils
All winter stuff
desk light
winter coat

Ugh. Im over it. I hate that my parents are totally getting into my head and making me second guessing my decision. I know I can do this, I don't understand why they don't believe in me. I'm glad CC and her parents believe in me. At least someone does. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

life update

In short here it goes...

Parental Units: Hate me. Hate my girlfriend. hate that Im gay even though they dont know it yet. followed by hating me going to grad school and hating that I dont want to live with them ever again. Oh I mean cause I am a horrible daughter and all and I dont respect there stuff, i believe it is time for me to come clean, tell them i gay and peace the fuck out. I mean ive pretty much left anyway and whats the big deal if they disown me its not like they give two shits anyway.

friends: i suck. i know. i dont text you back and i rarely have time to give you a full conversation. when life is stressful i hide in my cave but seeing as peter took away my cave im now hiding the the secure walls of CCs house. its safer here. i am loved here. she loves me. her family loves me. and i love her. and i love them. it doesnt mean that i dont love you im just laying low and hiding out. Im not abandoning you, I will be back when my confidence comes back and im not feeling trapped in my house. I am sorry.

CC- I love you. period. And i dont give to shits about my parents. I love you exactly how you are and I would never ask you to change anything.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

mixed up

Today CC looked at me and was like can you blog already and that's when i realized that i've kind of been a slacker recently. Between working and my family, and just hanging out I just forgot about blogging and updating the world on my not so perfect life. 

Home- At home, I have parents who are disappointed that I am going to grad school and who are beyond crushed that I am taking out student loans to pay for school. Does this make sense? Well to them yes. They paid for my undergraduate degree and thanks to them I don't have student loans. However, getting my master degree was going to happen no matter what, so why wait a year? And I have never asked them to pay for it. And I don't want them to. Is it going to cost me a lot sure, but really all I am asking for is for them to be in my corner and to support me. My brother this weekend told me I was hiding and my father has said the same thing. But telling them I'm gay and that I plan on marrying a woman isnt going to go well. I can feel it. Everyone says they are your parents and they love you no matter what. However, I stand by what i remember and I remember everything about the conversation I had with my dad when he told me that he would beat me till I'm straight again. sooo... yeah. I'm not telling them until i have nothing to lose. Till I have my own car that isn't in there name. Actually the car isn't that big a deal. I'm just scared. I'm thinking about writing a letter to them before i leave to grad school and just leaving it at that but i don't know. I don't know what to do, because after all these years I don't have a relationship with my parent, which is primarily my fault because i don't talk to them. But I can never do anything right. I just don't know anymore because we just don't see eye to eye on anything. I think it is also hard when you have so much support else where. CC's mom has pretty much taken me in as her own and has been a rock for me even before she even knew me. The other day she referred to me as her daughter. :) She has my back and CC's dad apparently likes me too. And they support CC and I through and through which means a lot. 

What are you suppose to say when you have everything you have ever wanted? What is suppose to come next when you think you have perfection? I don't know. I didn't think I would ever feel like this. That these feelings I have and this smile on my face could ever exist but they do. She is my everything. She is aviator shades driving my car. She is ipod pass word that just keeps changing. She the girl under my hood and who fixes my car. She is the girl that cuddles me when I'm sad but loves to be cuddled before bed. She is the manly-est little spoon with the girly-est sneezes. And I am head over heals because she is amazing. I don't know what i did to get her. I'm not the best of people, I've done my fair share of not so great things. I've said mean things, blown off people, and was cynical beyond belief. How did i get her? She picked me and she waited and waited for me to pick her. And I'm glad I did, and Id pick her tomorrow, next week, and forever if she will let me. <3 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!! 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Daddys little girl... or NOT

Today I had a "meeting" with my dad and my mom. Yes, really, a meeting. We sat down on the porch and discussed graduate school. And I was not there by choice i was there because two days ago I was told that I had to or my father would basically disown me. I went into this meeting feeling like a mouse trapped in box with a snake. Talk about the weirdest feeling ever, i think i probably needed a lawyer. Anywho, we laid everything out there, not there was much to say.

  • Grad School: PSU for Athletic training
  • costing about 15 grand a year with out a job or assistant ship
  • Will I be working? DUH!
more to come

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I'm not quiet sure what to blog about. There are a few things that have been on my mind. The first is E, and not the way you are thinking. I'm sitting here in my room with my wife and my girlfriend and I cant help but think about her and how it probably took her hours to fall asleep because she cant stop herself from the downward spiral she is falling into. E and I have had a roller coaster of a relationship but at the end of the day its all the same. I care about her and she cares about me. So this past Monday when she came to work looking like a hot mess, minus the hot, i couldn't help but ask if she was okay. when she finally told me that she was falling apart and expected to burst into tears any minute i thought for sure we would be going back to the hospital. I say we because i have been with her almost every time she was in there in the last three years. And this time would be no different, except she isnt there. She is sticking it out, fighting it off, and becoming stronger by the day... i just wish she would see that. 

Issue two in my life: my dad. cliff notes version: "if you sign any sort of loan, I will no longer do anything to help you ever again. And if you ever want me to be in your corner you will come home to discuss this." The this is grad school. What doesn't he like? oh i don't know, the fact that i want to be in school, the fact that i want to further my education, or the fact that i just finally am figuring out what i want to do. My point: I am a big kid. I will pay for grad school. And I will do it by myself. So deal with that dad, because I'm not dependent on you. I am growing up. Just be happy for me and accept that I am not going to call you every day or see you all the time. I am moving on and living my own life, and I don't have to report back to you. 

that is all...for now

Monday, July 25, 2011


I dont know what to blog about...

Pride was good.
Friends are good.
Work is good.
I love CC more than I ever thought I could possibly love someone
I applied for big kid jobs

The. END.

Friday, July 22, 2011


soooooo its going to cost me 15,000 dollars a year to go to grad school.... if i live on campus. The school gave me 16,400 dollars in aid (loans). I guess thats a good thing right?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

"my clinician told me to..."

MKB (aka fuckhead) - Just a heads up the VT state police might be calling you ... but not for you
(enter missed call from restricted number and one new voice message)
Me: Why?
MKB- Because I want my computer and other things back
Me: So ask for them
MKB: I have multiple times since Easter
Me: No you haven't because we have seen you multiple times since Easter and you haven't said anything. and do you really think that she is keeping your shit from you on purpose? Come on. All you have to do is legit ask for it and you know she would bring it to Rebecca's. Make me a list and text it to me. I cant believe you brought the state police into this instead of asking me your mom or her mom.
MKB: I have asked my mom several times and she wont get involved unless its a drop off spot...my clinician TOLD me to do this and had me do it in her office and CC knows i have asked for it, I have the texts that ive wanted it.
Me: CC doesn't have a phone. I'm not okay being involved with this either. I'm not okay with you giving them my number and I'm even more not okay with the fact that you haven't asked me for your stuff because you know I would get it for you
MKB: I know she doesn't have one and i told them that. I'm sorry for involving you and doing what i was told to do... but Stacey felt that this was the appropriate route
Me: You have some nerve giving them my number. I'm beyond pissed. you could have called me or asked me for your shit. you could have called and asked me if it was okay. And you have Bonnie's number you could have called her or gave them her number . Send me what you want back and Ill do my best to find it this weekend.
MKB: my laptop and diamond Sapphire necklace
Me: the necklace might be hard cause i haven't seen it. any guess to where it might be?
MKB: last i knew it was in the car
Me: great cause that's the best place for it. after this is over you both need to grow up and learn to communicate because I'm so sick of this shit
Me: see it wasn't so hard to ask me for it but now i have to deal with the state police
MKB: I will take care of it, Stacey said not to go to you about it
Me: well you did the minute you gave them my number which is far worse then coming to me and say 'hey Sam CC and I had a falling out and I would really like my laptop and necklace back do you think you could get them to my mom. Its not that fucking hard
MKB: She said it was going to be easier to do it this way then to go through CC's girlfriend who may already be blinded of the situation and whats gone on since Easter. she didn't even want me to give you a heads up that we made the phone call
Me: I know everything. Every text, every phone call, every facebook message, i know everything and blindsiding me with the state police was probably your stupid idea yet.
MKB: Perhaps but its what was agreed upon as being best to have no connections or ties, have my belongings back and just be done
Me: so fucking ask me for them don't call the police freak me out and drag me into this. And no ties and connections is what you'll get. Ill get your stuff to your mom by Sunday when i leave town then I'm done. Tell Alex i love her and I'm sorry but you crossed a line.

Her fb status later: love doesn't me absent so shut the fuck up

Basically, state police called told either me or CC to call them back. So I did. When I talked to the officer this conversation had already happened. I told the officer that I would be bring the stuff to her moms by Sunday when I left town. I also informed him that I was aware that MKB told him that she was trying to get her stuff since Easter and that there are more then enough witnesses that will confirm that she was staying at CC primary residence for Easter weekend and therefore could have gotten her stuff. On top of that on May 5th, CC and I went up to visit Madison in Burlington and Lunt (where she lives) would be able to confirm that. 

Needless to say I was less then impressed, so when I got to Vermont, talked to her mom and CC's mom, it was pretty much determined that neither of us wanted anything to do with fuckhead. I brought her stuff, necklace included to her moms and then took a picture and sent it to her. I am done. I don't give two shits about her or her immaturity anymore and I will totally enjoy sitting back and watching her suffer the consequences of her actions cause pissed of mama and papa Clark is never a good thing. Papa Clark is going to talk to the trooper that called me and mama Clark is being less then friendly. oh and her own mom is peeved too... 

So.... my clinician told me to flip her off and tell her to go screw herself, so I did. 

FB statuses
me: watching a movie and playing scrabble because "my clinician told me to"
K: went to dunks because "my clinician told me to"
CC: yelling across the hall to my bro because "my clinician told me to"
MM: posting the redic status because "my clinician told me to."

Monday, July 11, 2011



Its no secret that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and lately it seems that her and I are just destined to never get along let alone see eye to eye. Yesterday she told me that I wasn't working hard enough to go to grad school and that I would never be able to afford it so i should just put it on hold and wait a while. First of all, I am working for it and I worked hard for it. Second, no shit I can't afford it, but who can. And so if I have to sign a bunch of student loans, work more than forty hours a week at low paying jobs, then that's what I will do. Maybe the best thing for me is to looking into paying rent on a year lease rather than ridiculous amounts on dorm life. Maybe Ill get an RDship next year. Maybe Ill get a coaching job. Maybe Ill have a grad assistantship that will help pay for school. With her its always the negative, I don't think my mother has ever taken a risk in her life let alone just done something because she wanted to. My parents always tell me that its silly to just do things on a whim but I swear I have the best adventures when I decide to do the something on a whim. Like last weekend, I went to hampton beach. It was last minute, but it was great and I had never been.

When shit went down on Tuesday with CC, all I wanted was my mom, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't go home and pretend like everything was fine because my mom knows me and she would know something was up, but this was not the time for me to be like "yeah I'm in love with a girl and she just shattered my heart". I know its not totally her fault because I haven't told her but this wasn't the coming out I had planned. Like seriously not the best of timing. Also I know what my mom and my dad would have said. They would have told me to go do something or go to my room and come back when I am less emotional. My mom cant handle emotions and doesn't like to talk about them. When she saw the cuts on my leg she asked why I didn't tell her. Not are you okay? Not why did you do it? Not when did it start or do you want to talk about it? When I said I was depressed she never asked why? or what lead to it? She just asked me if it was a side effect of my birthcontrol med's.

So basically there are days where i just want my mommy and then I remember that our lack of relationship will forever hinder that.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


My girlfriend is like the game scrabble. Her and I are addicted to the game, and we even play each other. Its kind of pathetic cause we cheat when we play bonnie and rebecca. There is this Ipod app called descrambler and its amazing, and the difference between the game and my girlfriend is that she doesnt come with an ipod app or a daters manual. And in all fairness neither do I and I am probably equally as complicated as she is.

Me: I need attention. Not lots of it and not full on PDA make the world vomit, but I need affection and attention. Small touches, light kisses, a hey baby or hey babe. Little things like that make my world go round. I have two rules: Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me good night. I need to cuddle and wont sleep well knowing the person i love is next to me and not cuddling with me.

Her: She doesnt talk. If she is mad she wont talk to me. it takes a lot to break this girls walls down and most time you wont get a straight answer from her becuase opening up really isnt her thing. Direct question. Prying digging and knowing when she is bullshitting you are good skills to have. Followed by knowing that apparently when she says no doesnt always mean no and that if I am asking for her to kiss me I should just do it. (damn nike slogan)

What had happened was.....

more tears
and more tears
pasionate kisses
wrestling in the front yard (i have hidden strength)
and yes blogging world wonderfully fabulous make up sex! (i can already tell you her responce to this... really babe?, but yes really. it was amazing and definately needed)

Aside from the TMI, things are good now and we are better. Before all of this I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her but it wasnt till all of this that I realized how much I wanted to be with her and how much I loved her and needed her...

yiaernayhbtnakmuyiwbinharoy (descramble that!)

Sunday, July 3, 2011


I am not pushing you away... I am holding on for dear life, but I need you to need me back.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Better Than That

My friend C told me: "I think I've finally figured the answer to why bad things happen to good people: To test our patience, limitations, strength, courage and emotions. Because if shitty things happen to good people, imagine the good things that happen to shitty people? they are still miserable in the best of times and will NEVER learn the emotion called ...apperciation. Because when shitty things happen to good people we have to pull through, because that's what being human is all about: pulling through when times get hard, and knowing when its over, that you and only you did it. and being able to stand behind that. whole heartly. thought I would share my light bulb of the night. ♥ "
This makes me think of my girlfriends ex, even though ive had my fair share of shitty stuff, my heart actually goes out to this girl. It isnt a secret that I am not her number one fan, and she has said some nasty stuff about me and my relationship, but this girl deserves more. She has a one year old, who is the cutest little thing imaginable, and she does it. All by herself she does it. She supports herself and her son. She supports her mom. And she doesnt really ask for anything. She works hard. Recently, she got screwed over by her car dealership who Im pretty purposely broke her car cause it is vermont and all. On top of that she is going through a really tough time and her, well we will just call him "Thing", is not only being a douche but he is treating her worse then the whale poop in the movie shark tales. Like I said, i dont totally like her, and I dont totally trust her, but after everything even she doesnt deserve that.
I told her that she deserves better and that she can do better than "thing" but she is so down in the dumps that she thinks that she cant. But she can. Its not like she is some hideous creature or something. Not my type but she could still find someone better. She deserves someone who is kind, caring, and understanding. This girl is complicated and messy, but I think that once you get past all the "fuck my life, Im bitter, and angry, down right depressed" there is someone who is funny, caring, and sweet. Now I know she has anger issues so she needs someone to match that and keep her calm when things get to hyped up but I swear blogging world she isnt a bad girl.
So basically... If she makes a move on my girl ill kill her, but if "thing" keeps this up ill kill for her too. Women, we are weird.

To do list

(started at 2:19 pm.)
  1. laundry  ( 4:25)
  2. shower (5:30)
  3. psu financial aide (9:30)
  4. thank you notes
  5. make dads bday card
  6. KIN100 quiz  (4:33)
  7. autism project  (5:57. group time soon)
  8. geneogram
  9. journals
  10. anne's project
We shall see how productive I can actually be.....

4:33- 2 down 8 to go. I epically fail.
6:00- grocery store run... this kid needs junk food

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Untold Story

So I have decided to tell the untold story of how I feel in love with Ms Candice Michelle Clark. Why you might ask, because it seems to be exactly like the fairy tales. My aunt has always told me that you cant go looking for love that it has to come and find you, and well that's exactly what happened. I wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a nameless relationship with S when everything changed. CC and I had met before, when she was dating (secretly) MB, we never talked, friends on facebook but never anything more. When MB got pregnant CC did everything, and trust me after all the shit she has been I'm surprised she isn't a bitter emotionless person. Randomly, she messaged me, and at the time I didn't think much of it. We chat and chatted and I gave her my number and then it went from there.

Valentines Day- TB had dumped my ass, I was a mess, and CC decided to come down and cheer me up with MB. We texted the whole time she was there, and the brief time we were in the same room alone i wanted nothing more then to jump her bones. She was amazing. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry, made me smile when I didn't want to, and eased my anger and anxiety. During the time where we were hanging out, me, CC, MB, and wife, I was trying to figure out if CC and MB had gotten back together. Secretly hoping to god that they hadn't.

The baby shower. MB's  baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.

At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.

A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut.  At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!

Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.

The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.

The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.

And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"

I love you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

tough love

"All that i'm after is a life full of laughter, As long as i'm laughin' with you, I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after, After the life we've been through"

Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.