Sunday, August 7, 2011

mixed up

Today CC looked at me and was like can you blog already and that's when i realized that i've kind of been a slacker recently. Between working and my family, and just hanging out I just forgot about blogging and updating the world on my not so perfect life. 

Home- At home, I have parents who are disappointed that I am going to grad school and who are beyond crushed that I am taking out student loans to pay for school. Does this make sense? Well to them yes. They paid for my undergraduate degree and thanks to them I don't have student loans. However, getting my master degree was going to happen no matter what, so why wait a year? And I have never asked them to pay for it. And I don't want them to. Is it going to cost me a lot sure, but really all I am asking for is for them to be in my corner and to support me. My brother this weekend told me I was hiding and my father has said the same thing. But telling them I'm gay and that I plan on marrying a woman isnt going to go well. I can feel it. Everyone says they are your parents and they love you no matter what. However, I stand by what i remember and I remember everything about the conversation I had with my dad when he told me that he would beat me till I'm straight again. sooo... yeah. I'm not telling them until i have nothing to lose. Till I have my own car that isn't in there name. Actually the car isn't that big a deal. I'm just scared. I'm thinking about writing a letter to them before i leave to grad school and just leaving it at that but i don't know. I don't know what to do, because after all these years I don't have a relationship with my parent, which is primarily my fault because i don't talk to them. But I can never do anything right. I just don't know anymore because we just don't see eye to eye on anything. I think it is also hard when you have so much support else where. CC's mom has pretty much taken me in as her own and has been a rock for me even before she even knew me. The other day she referred to me as her daughter. :) She has my back and CC's dad apparently likes me too. And they support CC and I through and through which means a lot. 

What are you suppose to say when you have everything you have ever wanted? What is suppose to come next when you think you have perfection? I don't know. I didn't think I would ever feel like this. That these feelings I have and this smile on my face could ever exist but they do. She is my everything. She is aviator shades driving my car. She is ipod pass word that just keeps changing. She the girl under my hood and who fixes my car. She is the girl that cuddles me when I'm sad but loves to be cuddled before bed. She is the manly-est little spoon with the girly-est sneezes. And I am head over heals because she is amazing. I don't know what i did to get her. I'm not the best of people, I've done my fair share of not so great things. I've said mean things, blown off people, and was cynical beyond belief. How did i get her? She picked me and she waited and waited for me to pick her. And I'm glad I did, and Id pick her tomorrow, next week, and forever if she will let me. <3 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!! 

1 comment:

  1. You'll find that most eveyrone on 20sb is blogging due to our relationships with family :)