Sunday, June 26, 2011

Better Than That

My friend C told me: "I think I've finally figured the answer to why bad things happen to good people: To test our patience, limitations, strength, courage and emotions. Because if shitty things happen to good people, imagine the good things that happen to shitty people? they are still miserable in the best of times and will NEVER learn the emotion called ...apperciation. Because when shitty things happen to good people we have to pull through, because that's what being human is all about: pulling through when times get hard, and knowing when its over, that you and only you did it. and being able to stand behind that. whole heartly. thought I would share my light bulb of the night. ♥ "
This makes me think of my girlfriends ex, even though ive had my fair share of shitty stuff, my heart actually goes out to this girl. It isnt a secret that I am not her number one fan, and she has said some nasty stuff about me and my relationship, but this girl deserves more. She has a one year old, who is the cutest little thing imaginable, and she does it. All by herself she does it. She supports herself and her son. She supports her mom. And she doesnt really ask for anything. She works hard. Recently, she got screwed over by her car dealership who Im pretty purposely broke her car cause it is vermont and all. On top of that she is going through a really tough time and her, well we will just call him "Thing", is not only being a douche but he is treating her worse then the whale poop in the movie shark tales. Like I said, i dont totally like her, and I dont totally trust her, but after everything even she doesnt deserve that.
I told her that she deserves better and that she can do better than "thing" but she is so down in the dumps that she thinks that she cant. But she can. Its not like she is some hideous creature or something. Not my type but she could still find someone better. She deserves someone who is kind, caring, and understanding. This girl is complicated and messy, but I think that once you get past all the "fuck my life, Im bitter, and angry, down right depressed" there is someone who is funny, caring, and sweet. Now I know she has anger issues so she needs someone to match that and keep her calm when things get to hyped up but I swear blogging world she isnt a bad girl.
So basically... If she makes a move on my girl ill kill her, but if "thing" keeps this up ill kill for her too. Women, we are weird.

To do list

(started at 2:19 pm.)
  1. laundry  ( 4:25)
  2. shower (5:30)
  3. psu financial aide (9:30)
  4. thank you notes
  5. make dads bday card
  6. KIN100 quiz  (4:33)
  7. autism project  (5:57. group time soon)
  8. geneogram
  9. journals
  10. anne's project
We shall see how productive I can actually be.....

4:33- 2 down 8 to go. I epically fail.
6:00- grocery store run... this kid needs junk food

Saturday, June 18, 2011

The Untold Story

So I have decided to tell the untold story of how I feel in love with Ms Candice Michelle Clark. Why you might ask, because it seems to be exactly like the fairy tales. My aunt has always told me that you cant go looking for love that it has to come and find you, and well that's exactly what happened. I wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a nameless relationship with S when everything changed. CC and I had met before, when she was dating (secretly) MB, we never talked, friends on facebook but never anything more. When MB got pregnant CC did everything, and trust me after all the shit she has been I'm surprised she isn't a bitter emotionless person. Randomly, she messaged me, and at the time I didn't think much of it. We chat and chatted and I gave her my number and then it went from there.

Valentines Day- TB had dumped my ass, I was a mess, and CC decided to come down and cheer me up with MB. We texted the whole time she was there, and the brief time we were in the same room alone i wanted nothing more then to jump her bones. She was amazing. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry, made me smile when I didn't want to, and eased my anger and anxiety. During the time where we were hanging out, me, CC, MB, and wife, I was trying to figure out if CC and MB had gotten back together. Secretly hoping to god that they hadn't.

The baby shower. MB's  baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.

At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.

A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut.  At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!

Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.

The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.

The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.

And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"

I love you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

tough love

"All that i'm after is a life full of laughter, As long as i'm laughin' with you, I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after, After the life we've been through"

Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...

Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.

That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a  million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Work starts tomorrow. No more laying around doing nothing. But work isnt really work. Work is amazing. Kamp is amazing. Working with kids with developmental disabilities is amazing and rewarding. So really I cant wait!!!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


"i'm not a jealous person. i'm just a girl, that would love to punch every other, girl that gives you a second look.

And I'm not a jealous person. I dont care as long as you are coming home to me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am i suppose to care? I guess I would be lying if I said i liked her. Cause I dont. I hate her. I dont like her, and I dont agree with anything she says or does. I dont like that she thinks she knows me and that she thinks its totally okay to say shit about me. First of all bitch, you dont know me. Second of all, you dont know my relationship, so step the fuck off. But I am to blame to I guess, I came into your world, and took your girl. I came in, the knight in shining armour, and stole her away. Let me let you in on a little secret... it wasnt hard. You treated her like shit, and she is the nicest person in the world. You beat her up. I held her hand when she cried. You monitored her every move. I dont make her bail on her friends for me.

I guess I feel like a bad girlfriend for not caring and not letting it get to me. I cant change everything that has happened in the past before she came and stole my heart. I have my exes and she has hers but Id like to believe and I do believe that this doesnt play a role in our relationship. But I will tell you this.... you tryto make a move on my girlfriend, Ill fuck you up. I can promise you that.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


 "Sports remain a great metaphor for life's more difficult lessons. It was through athletics that many of us first came to understand that fear can be tamed; that on a team the whole is more than the sum of its parts; and that the ability to be heroic lies, to a surprising degree, within." -Susan Casey

Athletics. Story of my life. Athletics have shaped me into who I am. They taught me control, they taught me team work and work ethic, they taught me how lose with dignity, and how to win with grace. They taught me sportmanship is different from gamemanship and they even when you arent on playing field both play a significant role in your life. Even though I have learned these things it doesnt mean that I have done them or done them well. I work hard. I work hard at school, my job, and my relationships. For years everyone thought that I just did it all and didnt work at it, mainly my parents, until they realized that it was more then what i did during the day but what i did when the doors were closed and the sun had gone down. Okay, so that was a mini tangent. Back to the point of this posting. Two key things in athletics is sportmanship and gamesmanship. Sportmanship is doing your best and playing to the best of your ability without degrading your opponent. This is why we shake hands at the end of a game, help someone up when there down, and not trash talk the opponent. Gamesmanship is different. Gamesmanship is doing something to give yourself an advantage. So basically cheating and not saying anything about.

Sportsmanship and Gamesmanship arent just in athletics, they are in relationships too. Relationships are teams. For example JT, L, and I are a team... team nose goes. M, BB, and I are a team... team too many boys (them not me).... K and I are a team... team wife, CC and I are a team (duh), and A and I are a team... team sismance. With all these teams there is some serious sportmanship and in each team its pretty much the same. Protective against outsiders, help up when someone knocks them on thier ass, kiss and make up at cant the end of a fight, and so on. In all of these teams, there cant be gamesmanship. You cant force an upper hand, you cheat your friends out to get ahead, it doesnt work that way.

This I have learned. I cant fight my way out of the bromance relationship that is between K and CC, because well its funny and its important. However, I will say as the wife I reserve the right to stand outside my wifes door and ask if Marco wants pizza. And just becuase the sismance doesnt discuss sex fully yet, we have a look. And you "brahs" dont know the look, and you should also thank us... why? because by having the sismance, you dont have to listen to us bitch about the emotional mumbo jumbo of relationships. So youre welcome. Also, the best part of having a wife is that she knows me and can disciepher my b.s. to my ever loving girlfriend. I think that A and I's sis mance is should really just be label as translators. Becuase we translate the emotions into short sentences the "brahs" understand.

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets. — Marilyn Monroe

Friday, June 3, 2011

Double standards

Double standards honestly piss me off, and there are a few in my life that I don't like to live by. The first being that anything my brother does is okay but if I do it its not. But that's beef i have to take up with the ever so loving parental units. My next peeve is in relationships. Over and over again I have been told that talking to my ex's hurts my current girlfriend CC, and she has been told the same. We have both been told to cut out the exes in order to keep our relationship standing and surviving. Another friend , BD, is in a similar boat. Her girl gets pissed that she talks to her ex and in order to keep the relationship she keeps her friendship with her ex a secret from her girl. I understand this too. I fully believe that a significant other doesn't get to tell you who to be friends with and a conversation is just a conversation but i also know that i wouldn't pick any of my exes over CC and i get why she doesn't like them.

All of my exes once had a part of me, whether they had all of me or some of me they had a part of me. And some of them will always remain in my heart and I will always care about them and care about what happens to them but that doesn't mean i would ever go back to dating them. there is a reason that we didn't work, whether it was them, me, timing, or just plain imperfection, it didn't work for its own reasons and that is nothing to go back too.

Two of my close friends are both dealing with this issue. And I get it, from both sides I get it. I get where A is coming from in that exes cause stress because they once had you. They once knew everything you were thinking and feeling and that continuing talking to them may mean that you are telling them more then you are telling your actual girlfriend. Also, keeping and ex close kind of gives them the upper hand. Anytime the girlfriend screws up they learn what not to do and if they want to win you back they can. And there's more to this. its not just about control or jealousy and often it has nothing to do with either. Its about being in a relationship with you not with you and your ex. However from the other side I see that too. I am notorious for being friends with my exes and that is because at one point or another they were there when i felt i had no one. That being said I will repeat that i will not be leaving CC for any of my exes.

My advice: Just talk to your partner, make sure they feel loved, and confident in your relationship, then bring in the exes. This is one case where keep your friends close and your enemies closer doesn't apply. If something is going to ruin your happily ever after then its not worth keeping the poison around.