broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.


My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  


Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you

Running in the Rain

Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.


I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.


Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law.  It was great and it made me feel better.


Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.


<3 Me


Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....

wanted

So I am getting use to wanting what i cant haveand not wanting what I can have. I have fallen for enough people to konw what when they dont pick you it sucks. Ive always been like this, keeping a comfortable distance, not getting to close, and Ive come to realize that it is worth the risk. S is a guy that has become one of my best guy friends and when he and I talk its usually just the regular bull shit except if i were to be with a guy he would be it, and I would seriously do anything for that boy. I just wish he wanted me like that too... That seems to be the sagga of my life cause well I wanted E she didnt want me, I wanted S and he didnt want me, and then/now I want KC and she doenst want me. Except this time, it doesnt really bug me as much as it use to. I like the no stress of a relationship and the ability to be me... whoever that might be. Thats my goal... Figure out who I am and what I want no matter what it takes or how long....


<3 Me


Shot Four: Marco........ Polo?

i think....

So, I finally said no to the one person that I have never been able to say no to. I walked away from her and for the first time I didnt feel like I was abandoning her. I didnt feel the need to go running back or make amends for something that I didnt think was my fault. And a week later I still dont. She texted me, asked me if I hated her, and well the truth is I could never hate her. She then asked if I strongly disliked her, and I said I havent decided yet. I didnt mean to be so cold, I just honestly didnt know what to say to her. She was/is i dont even know anymore. She was there, but only when it worked for her. She understood how i was feeling about things... kinda.

I was watching the movie ten things i hate about you and she was all i could think about. I hate the things she says and that she never lets me win at rummy, phase ten, or skipbo. I hate that she isnt there to hold me when i cry, and I hate the way she makes me laugh when Im sad. I hate that she knows me. I hate the way she lies. I hate the she wasnt there and I found someone that is. I hate that I want her to be there. And I hate that I dont hate her no matter how hard I try.

So I texted her last night...stupid i know. Really stupid actually. I just wanted to know if she missed me. If she actually missed me. And it turns out she didnt even know why I was mad at her. After talking via text message, nothing was figured out and surprisingly enough, I didnt feel anything. Do I miss her, yes. Do I need her, I dont know. I want her to want to be there, but I also want her to fight to be there. Its her turn to fight for me.

But if she isnt there, I'll survive.

slip away

You asked me how many times I cried,

And the answer is too many

You wanted to know the fear I felt,

And I was scared always,

If I ever let go,

She'd drown on her own

And that was more than I could bare.

Would she wake,

Would she Breathe

Wiping away the tears from her cheek,

Her kiss so sweet

Her touch so soft,

But with every hit

And every shot

She slipped like sand through my fingers.

im done

I wish i could say I was over it

That it didnt hurt to touch you

that listening to your voice didnt make me cry

but every time i decide to stay

all you do is lie...

Today I walked away

and you didnt shout my name,

you didnt ask me to stay,

as the world faded to grey.....

Questions with out answers

empty words,

erie sounds

as our love hit the ground.

Getting up, moving on

this is the end of our song

our good bye

its just sad it ended in a lie

choas

So this week has been seriously crazy. Ive been go go go all day everyday. Basketball preseason has begun and I am loving every minute of it. We have a lot of talent and its exciting to have a group of girls that truly want to play as a team. J is truly my motivator and always keeps me laughing. KB and I have been waiting for this for the last two years and we are laying everything out there. Risk nothing gain nothing right?

On a totally different note, I have truly realized that no matter what you never realize how much something means to you until its almost gone. Two girls that I was friends with got into a serious car accident, and in panic they called me. I don't know why but I really like knowing that they felt they could call me. Their okay now but the last thing I heard when they called was no you cant fall asleep. And that was scary, really scary. You can never really anticipate those kind of phone calls and I never thought I would be hearing something like that. I know it sounds crazy but it makes you appreciate what you have and how quickly it can be taken away. To add to the stress of my week, the anxiety I was feeling earlier in the week didn't go away till late Monday. And it might have just gone away because I was masking it with something else. My something else... i told a friend that i was feeling really anxious and that i just need her to come and chat and make me feel better, and well she couldn't do that. And it wasn't that she couldn't, she didn't want to because she wanted to go out and have a beer. To make matters worse yesterday she was all pissy with me cause I didn't want to go out. I believe I a reasonable excuse but she still treated me like shit. Now, I don't know how to tell her I am angry with her or how to tell her that I am not the teddy bear that she can kick around and then hold when she has a nightmare.

"Lately, nothing I do, ever seems to please you
And maybe, turning my back would be that much easier'
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away"

Damsel

So I'm the girl who doesnt believe that things happen for a reason but sometimes the things that happen are out of stuipidity or just because well life isnt fair. I told a friend today that i was trying to save the damsel in distress and she looked at me told me that you cant save the damsel if she loves her distress. Now Ive told this exact line to many of my friends but somehow i cant keep myself from doing exactly that.