Saturday, October 2, 2010

broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.

My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  

Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you

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