Thursday, October 7, 2010

Trial and Error

KC makes my anxiety increase. Not because she has done anything bad but because she always leaves. She gives me this dorky retarded look on my face but at the end of the day i know she will leave. So the elephant is back and its annoying. Why it that this happens? I know this time I have a reason but previously I didn't. Now most would say eliminate the anxiety cause, well I cant. I cant eliminate KC because she makes me do the giddy school girl thing that I haven't done since I was in middle school and I want her to be there. I want her to be apart of my life and to be more to me than just someone I see when we compete against each other. She is always on my mind, maybe not in the front of it or right there, but in the back corner, there's always KC. Always making me think maybe I should text her, even if its just a "Hey, I hope you are having a good day" or "good luck in your game." KC and I haven't spoken since Monday night and out of the blue she texted me today. Just like back in may..."Hey Sam". This thing is I was on a break from my class in the dungeon and so I could have a full convo with her and now I'm sitting in class wondering if she'll be there when I get out....

Well I'm out of class now and I'm still talking to her... she told me she "missed me". My instincts say question everything. I mean what gives, after everything we talked about, she misses me. How do you miss me if you just want to be friends and don't want anything else. Its not like she has made some dramatic effort to talk to me and I haven't really been there. Every time this happens I end up the one sitting here hoping to hear from her, hoping that this time she wont bail, wont disappear, and will want to be something somehow with me, and each time I never get that. I get this illusion that it might just work and then poof, its like haha wishful thinking. Is it stupid to think it will be different this time? or ever? Am I setting myself up to get hurt and be disappointed again? I wish there was a way to know all the answers cause trial and error is getting old.

Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change
Shot Twelve: Just hang on....

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