Saturday, October 30, 2010
Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.