Mom

Its no secret that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and lately it seems that her and I are just destined to never get along let alone see eye to eye. Yesterday she told me that I wasn't working hard enough to go to grad school and that I would never be able to afford it so i should just put it on hold and wait a while. First of all, I am working for it and I worked hard for it. Second, no shit I can't afford it, but who can. And so if I have to sign a bunch of student loans, work more than forty hours a week at low paying jobs, then that's what I will do. Maybe the best thing for me is to looking into paying rent on a year lease rather than ridiculous amounts on dorm life. Maybe Ill get an RDship next year. Maybe Ill get a coaching job. Maybe Ill have a grad assistantship that will help pay for school. With her its always the negative, I don't think my mother has ever taken a risk in her life let alone just done something because she wanted to. My parents always tell me that its silly to just do things on a whim but I swear I have the best adventures when I decide to do the something on a whim. Like last weekend, I went to hampton beach. It was last minute, but it was great and I had never been.

When shit went down on Tuesday with CC, all I wanted was my mom, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't go home and pretend like everything was fine because my mom knows me and she would know something was up, but this was not the time for me to be like "yeah I'm in love with a girl and she just shattered my heart". I know its not totally her fault because I haven't told her but this wasn't the coming out I had planned. Like seriously not the best of timing. Also I know what my mom and my dad would have said. They would have told me to go do something or go to my room and come back when I am less emotional. My mom cant handle emotions and doesn't like to talk about them. When she saw the cuts on my leg she asked why I didn't tell her. Not are you okay? Not why did you do it? Not when did it start or do you want to talk about it? When I said I was depressed she never asked why? or what lead to it? She just asked me if it was a side effect of my birthcontrol med's.

So basically there are days where i just want my mommy and then I remember that our lack of relationship will forever hinder that.

Scrabble

My girlfriend is like the game scrabble. Her and I are addicted to the game, and we even play each other. Its kind of pathetic cause we cheat when we play bonnie and rebecca. There is this Ipod app called descrambler and its amazing, and the difference between the game and my girlfriend is that she doesnt come with an ipod app or a daters manual. And in all fairness neither do I and I am probably equally as complicated as she is.

Me: I need attention. Not lots of it and not full on PDA make the world vomit, but I need affection and attention. Small touches, light kisses, a hey baby or hey babe. Little things like that make my world go round. I have two rules: Never go to bed angry and Always kiss me good night. I need to cuddle and wont sleep well knowing the person i love is next to me and not cuddling with me.

Her: She doesnt talk. If she is mad she wont talk to me. it takes a lot to break this girls walls down and most time you wont get a straight answer from her becuase opening up really isnt her thing. Direct question. Prying digging and knowing when she is bullshitting you are good skills to have. Followed by knowing that apparently when she says no doesnt always mean no and that if I am asking for her to kiss me I should just do it. (damn nike slogan)

What had happened was.....

Miscommunication
anger
frustration
tears
confusion
more tears
and more tears
pasionate kisses
wrestling in the front yard (i have hidden strength)
food
and yes blogging world wonderfully fabulous make up sex! (i can already tell you her responce to this... really babe?, but yes really. it was amazing and definately needed)

Aside from the TMI, things are good now and we are better. Before all of this I knew I loved her and wanted to be with her but it wasnt till all of this that I realized how much I wanted to be with her and how much I loved her and needed her...

yiaernayhbtnakmuyiwbinharoy (descramble that!)

...

I am not pushing you away... I am holding on for dear life, but I need you to need me back.

The Untold Story

So I have decided to tell the untold story of how I feel in love with Ms Candice Michelle Clark. Why you might ask, because it seems to be exactly like the fairy tales. My aunt has always told me that you cant go looking for love that it has to come and find you, and well that's exactly what happened. I wasn't looking for love, in fact I was in a nameless relationship with S when everything changed. CC and I had met before, when she was dating (secretly) MB, we never talked, friends on facebook but never anything more. When MB got pregnant CC did everything, and trust me after all the shit she has been I'm surprised she isn't a bitter emotionless person. Randomly, she messaged me, and at the time I didn't think much of it. We chat and chatted and I gave her my number and then it went from there.

Valentines Day- TB had dumped my ass, I was a mess, and CC decided to come down and cheer me up with MB. We texted the whole time she was there, and the brief time we were in the same room alone i wanted nothing more then to jump her bones. She was amazing. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry, made me smile when I didn't want to, and eased my anger and anxiety. During the time where we were hanging out, me, CC, MB, and wife, I was trying to figure out if CC and MB had gotten back together. Secretly hoping to god that they hadn't.

The baby shower. MB's  baby shower was the next time I would see her. We got to the shower and we were a little early and the stress was written all over her face. She need help. So we helped her set up. I distinctly remember a chair falling on Liam and rushing over to him and just smiling at me holding her son. It was great. Just like everyone else we texted throughout the shower, in which she looked amazing in her bright pink and white shirt. I love that shit. At the end of the shower I hugged her, not wanting to let go, and then softly letting my lips touch this cheek.

At first it was just chatting and random things and questions. Id talk to her from when I first got up to when I passed out. On day I told her I hurt and she respond with want me to kiss it, and I responded the only way I knew how, Yes please. I then proceeded to tell her that I wanted her to kiss it everywhere, and that then lead to conversation that were unimaginably amazing.

A month later and probably after 1,000 of texts, I picked CC up at her apartment and brought both of us up to see MB and Peanut.  At first I was shy. We didn't talk for the first twenty miles of the car ride and actually I texted her to ask if i could hold her hand. She said if i wanted to but it took me about twenty more miles to actually do it. On the way home everything was so much easier, basically leading to hitting 90 on 89, and stopping at the first rest stop on 91. All of this lead to our first kiss!!!!

Easter time. MB was staying at CC's house and I went up on Saturday to visit. All I wanted to do was hold her and snuggle up with her but we were keeping things on the dl so secretly we kissed when no one was looking. That night after I left she when back to her ex, and I was pissed. I was so mad but not really anger more of fear. Would she go back to that? Would she not wait for me to figure out my shit? Would she come back to me? All my anxiety passed the minute I heard from her then next morning and had confirmation that she was still coming to spend the night with me. That night she spent with me was pretty much the deciding factor that there was more than just friends with benefits happening here. I was falling for this girl and needed to figure out my shit.

The explosion. Her ex found a face book message conversation we were having and freaked out. Kicking CC out of her own apartment and pushing her right into my open arm. The second explosion of drama was when I had invited CC to come down and S showed up. I kicked S out and went chasing after CC. This happened the weekend leading into finals week and I took all my finals on Monday and Tuesday, and took a mini vacation to CC's house.


The ask out. After being there for almost 24 hours, CC and I were on the phone with her best friend and I said to her besties boyfriend that "our GIRLFRIENDS were weird" and she was like wait what huh. It was great. After we got off the phone I asked her out officially and that was that. I wanted our anniversary to be the fifth so I waited to ask her a few minutes longer.

And that's the story of us. That is the story of searching for love but letting it find you. Look what I found when I was looking... and to quote the movie finding nemo... "mine. mine. mine. mine"

I love you.

tough love

"All that i'm after is a life full of laughter, As long as i'm laughin' with you, I'm thinkin' 'bout all that still matters is love ever after, After the life we've been through"

Dr. Suess once said "I learned there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead, others come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you see. Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me." and I wish that everyone viewed the world this way. I am taking a summer course called The Helping Relationship and although I am learning a lot its hard to try to be a helper when the person who needs the help wont take it.
 
Theres nothing wrong with trying to do things by yourself, healing yourself, surviving on your own, without depending on anything or anyone. And I get that. Independance is a wonderful thing and nessicary to survival but help is help and sometime you have to learn to accept it. I have accepted help and learned from it and those that told me that i needed it were right. Tough love is part of help. You need people in your life that will tell you how it is, where to shove it, make you laugh when you want to cry, and so on and so on. Tough love takes all the sugar of anything being said or thought and just pitches it is in. It might hit the batter, and it might sting a little or a lot, but all the same at the end of the day it was what was needed.
 
However, when there is no one else there is always yourself. And thats where Dr. Suess comes in. When trouble comes your way, keep your eye on the ball and pull it to right feild. Shit happens problems come and as much as I personally would have loved to say screw people i can do this by myself, but I cant, so I found someone Id rather do everything with do something without her and have to fill her in later. Needless to say, tough love and troubles are pretty much part of life, but if i had to pick between going at it alone or with the one that I love, Id pick her everytime.
 
 

love

I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...

Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.

That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a  million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.

jealousy

"i'm not a jealous person. i'm just a girl, that would love to punch every other, girl that gives you a second look.

And I'm not a jealous person. I dont care as long as you are coming home to me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am i suppose to care? I guess I would be lying if I said i liked her. Cause I dont. I hate her. I dont like her, and I dont agree with anything she says or does. I dont like that she thinks she knows me and that she thinks its totally okay to say shit about me. First of all bitch, you dont know me. Second of all, you dont know my relationship, so step the fuck off. But I am to blame to I guess, I came into your world, and took your girl. I came in, the knight in shining armour, and stole her away. Let me let you in on a little secret... it wasnt hard. You treated her like shit, and she is the nicest person in the world. You beat her up. I held her hand when she cried. You monitored her every move. I dont make her bail on her friends for me.

I guess I feel like a bad girlfriend for not caring and not letting it get to me. I cant change everything that has happened in the past before she came and stole my heart. I have my exes and she has hers but Id like to believe and I do believe that this doesnt play a role in our relationship. But I will tell you this.... you tryto make a move on my girlfriend, Ill fuck you up. I can promise you that.

Brah

 "Sports remain a great metaphor for life's more difficult lessons. It was through athletics that many of us first came to understand that fear can be tamed; that on a team the whole is more than the sum of its parts; and that the ability to be heroic lies, to a surprising degree, within." -Susan Casey

Athletics. Story of my life. Athletics have shaped me into who I am. They taught me control, they taught me team work and work ethic, they taught me how lose with dignity, and how to win with grace. They taught me sportmanship is different from gamemanship and they even when you arent on playing field both play a significant role in your life. Even though I have learned these things it doesnt mean that I have done them or done them well. I work hard. I work hard at school, my job, and my relationships. For years everyone thought that I just did it all and didnt work at it, mainly my parents, until they realized that it was more then what i did during the day but what i did when the doors were closed and the sun had gone down. Okay, so that was a mini tangent. Back to the point of this posting. Two key things in athletics is sportmanship and gamesmanship. Sportmanship is doing your best and playing to the best of your ability without degrading your opponent. This is why we shake hands at the end of a game, help someone up when there down, and not trash talk the opponent. Gamesmanship is different. Gamesmanship is doing something to give yourself an advantage. So basically cheating and not saying anything about.

Sportsmanship and Gamesmanship arent just in athletics, they are in relationships too. Relationships are teams. For example JT, L, and I are a team... team nose goes. M, BB, and I are a team... team too many boys (them not me).... K and I are a team... team wife, CC and I are a team (duh), and A and I are a team... team sismance. With all these teams there is some serious sportmanship and in each team its pretty much the same. Protective against outsiders, help up when someone knocks them on thier ass, kiss and make up at cant the end of a fight, and so on. In all of these teams, there cant be gamesmanship. You cant force an upper hand, you cheat your friends out to get ahead, it doesnt work that way.

This I have learned. I cant fight my way out of the bromance relationship that is between K and CC, because well its funny and its important. However, I will say as the wife I reserve the right to stand outside my wifes door and ask if Marco wants pizza. And just becuase the sismance doesnt discuss sex fully yet, we have a look. And you "brahs" dont know the look, and you should also thank us... why? because by having the sismance, you dont have to listen to us bitch about the emotional mumbo jumbo of relationships. So youre welcome. Also, the best part of having a wife is that she knows me and can disciepher my b.s. to my ever loving girlfriend. I think that A and I's sis mance is should really just be label as translators. Becuase we translate the emotions into short sentences the "brahs" understand.

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets. — Marilyn Monroe



Double standards

Double standards honestly piss me off, and there are a few in my life that I don't like to live by. The first being that anything my brother does is okay but if I do it its not. But that's beef i have to take up with the ever so loving parental units. My next peeve is in relationships. Over and over again I have been told that talking to my ex's hurts my current girlfriend CC, and she has been told the same. We have both been told to cut out the exes in order to keep our relationship standing and surviving. Another friend , BD, is in a similar boat. Her girl gets pissed that she talks to her ex and in order to keep the relationship she keeps her friendship with her ex a secret from her girl. I understand this too. I fully believe that a significant other doesn't get to tell you who to be friends with and a conversation is just a conversation but i also know that i wouldn't pick any of my exes over CC and i get why she doesn't like them.

All of my exes once had a part of me, whether they had all of me or some of me they had a part of me. And some of them will always remain in my heart and I will always care about them and care about what happens to them but that doesn't mean i would ever go back to dating them. there is a reason that we didn't work, whether it was them, me, timing, or just plain imperfection, it didn't work for its own reasons and that is nothing to go back too.

Two of my close friends are both dealing with this issue. And I get it, from both sides I get it. I get where A is coming from in that exes cause stress because they once had you. They once knew everything you were thinking and feeling and that continuing talking to them may mean that you are telling them more then you are telling your actual girlfriend. Also, keeping and ex close kind of gives them the upper hand. Anytime the girlfriend screws up they learn what not to do and if they want to win you back they can. And there's more to this. its not just about control or jealousy and often it has nothing to do with either. Its about being in a relationship with you not with you and your ex. However from the other side I see that too. I am notorious for being friends with my exes and that is because at one point or another they were there when i felt i had no one. That being said I will repeat that i will not be leaving CC for any of my exes.

My advice: Just talk to your partner, make sure they feel loved, and confident in your relationship, then bring in the exes. This is one case where keep your friends close and your enemies closer doesn't apply. If something is going to ruin your happily ever after then its not worth keeping the poison around.

my tell all... part two

So Ive got shit to add.

S- SCREW YOU!! you only want me when you cant have me because it is a fucking game to you. well im  done playing your game. no more head games no more waiting for you to figure your shit out no more just being the girl you shit on. Im not doing it. Its not fair. And on top of that you undermined my relationship and force me to be something Im not. It doesnt matter what card you play now becuase either way I hold the trump card and she is amazing! You wanna be friends sure but its on my time not yours and it isnt like it was before. No cuddling, No kisses, No late night talks. None of it. I am happy and I am happy with out you making me cry.

BD- I get it. I understand where you are coming from and where your girl is coming from. And I respect it. I dont like it but I respect it and now that I have experienced it I have a greater respect for it, you, and her.

MB- get your shit together girl. no judgement i swear but really come on. stop telling me how hard it is and accept the consequences of your actions. you have a handful of people that love you and A and you have used and abused them to the point of exhaustion. half of us are only sticking around for A and the other half are only there becuase they half too. Do me a favor? Stop lying to me. I told you i would help you but that means you have to tell me the truth. If you want someone to talk to just say so dont tell me A is sick get me paniced just to find out that she is just a baby with a cold. And stop trashing my girlfriend, propositioning her, or trying to kiss her when Im out of sight. first of all she is suppose to be your best friend, so treat her that way. you have done nothing but treat her like shit and I am not okay with that. And just becuase she tells you how it is doesnt mean you need to jump down her throat. also, next time you right her a love letter you better make sure that im not standing in the room with her. oh! annnnddddddd you fucked up. you cheated. you got pregnant. you were with her and that boy at the same time. your loss stop hating on her becuase she is with me. Point two, next time you want to make advances on my girl you better make sure that she wont tell me. how dare you disrespect my relationship with her and disrespect me and more importantly disrespectt her. And lastly, DO NOT ask my girlfriend if she wants to have a secret relationship with you behind my back EVER again. kapeach? I have lost all respect for you and the only reason i want to be included in your life is for that little girl becuase she doesnt deserve to have people bailing on her. you on the other hand, people always leave right?


and to add some funny things....

(304):  He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

(845):  Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.

(708):  Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

(770): Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

(413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

My tell all....

So this has been long time coming and has been saved as a draft for sometime. Before graduating and finishing classes, I was really in a not hold back my feelings type of mood, and some of the things I had to say just didnt fit witht he image I had to portray, but seeing as thats all gone and I have offically passed on my roles at the path I can now publish this and just laugh with my friends about it all...

*names have been changed and motified... for laughters sake just enjoy it.



where to start....hmmm... i guess we will start with the little ones. Stop walking around like you own this place cause let me tell you as an old lady you dont. You dont get to bitch about how much work you have to do when youre only taking 5 intro classes and arent working or doing anything else with your day, nor do you get to say that your teachers need to not put exams on the same day. welcome to the real world this isnt high school and for 30 grand a year it is suppose to be hard. Also, stop wishing it away cause guess what it goes fast and it will end in may and three weeks later you will all be posting that you wish you were back here so just enjoy it.

my next thing is deadlines. I set them for a reason and just because everyone knows your name doesnt mean you dont have to follow them. Oh and not everyone says your name in a positive way and you have burnt so many bridges at this place that you should probably just keep your mouth shut and just exist without trying to mess everything up for people who actually work hard. I mean were you really just going to do something so that people were just getting it? who gives a fuck if she is going to be doing a good job at it. and who was going to vote for you? Do you honestly think you have more friends this year then you did last year when you got your ass handed to you? really lets get real. Grow up, be a big kid, and mature.

oh, please just pick one boy. I cant keep track of which ones i hung out with played games with or just met via web cam. Please just pick one... and that goes for you too. pick one! and be happy! sheesh. Also, where do you get off (if you still read this you will know) giving her my blog link. Like seriously. If i wanted her to have it i would have given it to here myself. Its not that I care I just wish that you fucking told me or asked me first so that way when i did talk to them i wouldnt be totally blindsided. So i guess thanks for that but your lucky im not royally pissed off. And to her, sheesh is about all i have to say and even i dont know what that means.

This one I will totally just call out... TB. What the hell! I have been the butt of the joke for a lot of people but I thought that just maybe you might be different. guess not. oh and i owe the girl you were cheating on me with or is it me you were cheating on her with, im not sure but seriously i owe her an apology, not for being whatever i was but she tried to tell me and i believed you. that was dumb. p.s. you looked good a prom, how'd it feel walking in with a sixteen year old? awesome right. bet you'll go to more proms then years of high school, but whatever some people roll, like that.

And to bay path... stop letting us roll with excuse "oh bay path". Sometime we expect nothing less from you then let down or disappointment, whether its in food or and event, or anything. after four years the most common phrase we heard and said was its bay path. thats sad. Students ask for thing and we get told no. We give suggestions on how to fix things and we get we will work on it and does it happen rarely.

lifers.... GO HOME!!! you dont go here!!!!!!!! k thanks?

So thats my rant and rave.... hope you enjoyed it.

<3

im back

HOKEY! so Im back, and I promise to be a more faithful blogger.

Cliffnotes version

• ditch S
• ask CC out
• spend two weeks with her
• fall head over heals
• boston trip with the seniors
• grad rehersal on thursday
• strawberries and champaign
• beach day with b, kb, jt, l, and c
• saturday in vermonT
• sunday= GRADUATION!

I have so much to write about its not even funny and I have no idea where to start. Senior week was a blast!! Boston was great and I had a lot of fun rounding up the drunkards. L and I had enough fun watching everyone dance around. Strawberries and champaign was fun and then all the senior ra's went to peters for the night. It was a lot of fun. JT, L, and I had some much needed bonding time and i realized how much i missed just sitting around playing games with them. CC and I had a blast spending tons of time together. P.s. I asked her out when we were on speaker with her friends and I told her best friend's boyfriend that our girlfriends were weird. It totally took her by surprise and after we hung up i really asked her but i made her wait to say yes so that we didnt have the same anniversery as me and a previous ex had. And so far everything has worked out great and I dont plan on letting her get away thats for sure.

Graduation was soooo long but i did it. graduated on time with my diploma. yay me!!! Kinda made me realize that life is moving past bay path and as much as it seems like only my friends are moving on to different things, I have realized thats me too. moving on moving up in the world, and im plan on taking CC with me. :D <3

Baby Baby Baby OH

Baby baby baby ohhh.... life has become a hassel. Im exhausted. I havent been sleeping or eating right or even taking care of myself. Im exhausted, my body is telling me to stop and my caffine in take has dramatically increased in the last week. S and I have been fighting more than usual. We really got into it in the wee hours of sunday morning. On saturday I was upset. I was tired, frozen, and in pain, and i was on duty. Now all I wanted with a kiss or some sort of attention from my boyfriend and did i get that....NNNOOOOOOO. I dont cry. And I ended up cry, it was stupid, I felt stupid, but i just wanted to feel like S cared and at that point it didnt seem like he did. And well after all of our friends left we fought, and then we kissed and made up and he cuddled with me. Sunday was the same, monday we argued but then cuddled, tuesday we cuddled, and last night we were suppose to see each other and he just showed up at my door. Was it great to have him there yes, howevver, I need to sleep and he doesnt help that. So tonight with or without S, Im going to bed and sleeping forever.

Good Night world

Hahnology

1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?.....I guess soo
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.

4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.

5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all

6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness

8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings

10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep

11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know

12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous

14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely

16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years

17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn

19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike

21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)

23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day

24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies

25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.

26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have

28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive

29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments

31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn

32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.

33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too

34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes

35) Do you type fast?...... kinda

36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.

37) Want any more?.... no

38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather

40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea

43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope

45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes

46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes

47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes

50) What should you be doing ?.... homework

51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling

53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies

54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp

57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.

60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget

66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes



67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit

73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)

74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.

76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it

78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too

80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.

81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella

88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay

89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do  :)

92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D

93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)

94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them

95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name

96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it

103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do

105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes

106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally

107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott

108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I

110) Favourite lyrics right now?....

How many times can I break til I shatter?

Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in

lets be real

People come and go and they always leave an imprint on your heart. Today K and I got divorce, and it was her decision which was kinda my plan. I would never leave her and I will always love her, but us saying we were married and were wives wasnt realistic. We have fallen appart since I made being happy and doing things soley for myself a priortity and it hurt our relationship. She is a great girl and deserves the best of friends and to be happy, and maybe Im not that best friend for her. Ive got two of the best friends a girl can ask for and then Ive got the best group of friends that a girl can ask for too. they all fill a role and they all are appart of what make me me. K is no exception, she will be the girl that i randomly text quack too or that i show up in her room with a coffee because if i have learned anything k without coffee is not pretty. K has always excepted me for who I am we just fell out of the spending every waking minute together stage and moved in to a different one. Do i miss those nights? yes. Do I miss her? yes. Do i love her more than she'll know? of course. I admire, respect, trust, and care about this girl. Am I bitter? No. Why? Cause we just took the facebook offical label of our relationship and got real. One of us had to and i respect her for being the one that actually had the pair of balls to do it. So K, when you read this (and I know you will) I LOVE YOU and Ive always got your back.


M- lets get real. life will never be easy, you know that so if that what you are waiting for you are going go to heaven or hell which ever you prefer as a very bitter old lady with a serious knee problem. We all ask you how is it going even though we dont agree with your life becuase we love you and we back your decisions and will always be there for you. But that being said, come on. Get up and do something about it. If you dont like it change it. Make your life worth living, cause I know you and i know you arent happy. And I love you which means ill support you always and forever but get your butt in gear and be that girl i know you are. If he isnt fixing then either you fix ir or say fuck it. And I know its scary and you dont want to becuase when things are good things are good, but you have family and friends who will be there for you and make it good all the time rather than just once or twice a week. You dont deserve to live hoping that today is a good day, you deserve to live knowing when you wake up that no matter what it will be a good day and if its not you are coming home to those that love you no matter what. So, i love you and ill back you no matter what you know this, but Im reverting back to being your RA and saying Put your big girl panties on and make yourself happy! K? Love you mean it <3 me


S- Come on! For a guy that doesnt want to be in a relationship becuase of the time and the stress you certainly put a lot of time into me. You have been here everyday and in a one month period we have only not seen eachother 3 times. Like come one. We do everything a couple does and then some, so lets stop with the i havent taken myself off the market bs and be real. We are together. K pumpkin? :D




you cant wait for happiness, if its not there go make it

Call of duty

So this game has consumed my life and not because I actually play but because my boyfriend does. When we are at his house he plays and I watch or blog or do homework and on some night I just go upstairs to bed. I've spent a lot of time with S and were basically official so I guess the next question why can't I tell him that I really need him to be here on Friday rather than just saying I would like you to be there. Anyone?

it doesnt get any better than this....

Before I start I need to say that this is my life, and it is real. As crazy and stupid and mixed up dramatic as it seems, I dont want it to be any different becuase if it werent for the people and the heart break and the girl meets girl drama, I wouldnt have a story to tell or the friends that I have. Im smiling, Im laughing, and Im loving my life and every detail in it.

I am officially a horrible person. Now one may think that this RA basketball captain SGA president girl couldn’t truly have a mean bone in her body but it’s there. I think it is what is hiding under the shattered cynical pieces of my not so whole heart. Some days I feel like the Grinch and Im just waiting to get the part where my heart grows three sizes and bust threw the simplistic x-ray machine that Dr. Seuss created and then there’s the other side of me that thinks that if my heart grows more then it will just break more and the bigger the heart the bigger and harder the puzzle is put back together again.

So back to my being a horrible person. Why am I so horrible, because one of my friends who I have the hugest crush on but can never seem to get her to stick around, just broke up with the boy she chose over me. And I am horrible because I couldn’t be happier. I know she is hurting and she is trying really hard to be this hardass stubborn girl that I know and dare say love but she is hurting. He wrecked her and ruined her faith in love and people for that fact. And now Im sitting here, writing this, staring at my phone thinking maybe she will pick me this time. When she is ready maybe this time I will be worth it, worth the risk. But now I am her. Stuck between this crazy beautiful girl with a stubborn, devious personality, and this boy who is the only boy I’d ever marry. S has been the world to me. We have spent this past week together and Im not quite sure what it all means. He won’t commit to anything but it’s no secret that he and I are this cute fight like we are already married couple who just is. We seem to be everything every other couple has without the label that can seemingly ruin a relationship.

Oh, forgot to mention TB, dumped me, left me complete broken crying at quarter of one to M while S made the twenty minute drive in nine minutes to be with me and make me feel better. So back to S, he’s amazing. And we both enjoy each other’s company. Even B thinks we are cute together. And then there’s this girl. And by now you probably have guessed that this girl, is KC. Yes world, ssshhheee’ssss back. I wasn’t expecting it. I haven’t heard from her in ages and well I had kind of gotten use to her absence, which doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried to contact her cause I definitely did. But out of the blue she texted me. We have been talking all weekend and then today tells me she broke up with the boy that she picked over me, while reminding me that being a helpless romantic wasn’t going to help me win the who is a bigger hard ass me or her contest we now have going. KC is stubborn, obnoxious, devious, challenging, cocky, caring, and hard on the outside warm and fuzzy on the inside. That feeling of maybe she is the girl from me is almost equal to the feeling that I am suppose to ride into the sunset with S. So what do I do, who do I pick.  

I dont have an asnwer at the moment but I do know this.... I like the fact that for the last few days I have done nothing but smile.


Shot twenty: A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks- Charles Gordy

Fuck you and your blue eyes. Fuck you and your smile. Fuck you and your touch. Fuck you and the butterflies you give me. Fuck you for hurting me. Now make it stop and come back to me

Wife

So this semester has had its highs and lows. C and I are done, and this time it wasnt cause she was walking away. I walked away from her. I said I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt be everything to everyone and have nothing for myself. Thats how I started the semester. Feeling like anything I chose to do for myself would inevitably make my life hell with my friends. The recent thing putting a smile on my face is my girlfriend. What I didnt know is that picking her would lead to me losing the person I cared about most. I get defensive when I feel like I have to pick between being happy and being everything to everyone else. And trust me, ask those who have made me choose and they will tell you that they lost. I am the type of person that feels like I have given everything I have to everyone else, so the one time I take everyones advice and do something for me and it blows up in my face makes me feel angered. I respond to peoples actions, you give me attitude and Ill give it right back. Just ask my parents. Recently, my wife and I have done nothing but fight. Usually we fight about the ducks, stainless steal, and the horrible ex's (or ex interests) in our lives, mostly mine becuase I keep them around. She asked me not to talk about my girlfriend with her when we first started dating, so when TB came to see me and she heard it from another source, she flipped on me. She wouldnt really talk to me and she wouldnt answer her phone and by the time she did i was so irritated it didnt matter. I felt like she was making me pick, it was TB or her. Normally I would pick her anyday of the week, and I have, over and over again. So many people told me she is just a stupid freshmen, that she doesnt understand, and that she is too up in my shit, and my normal responce has been to tell them to fuck off. The world of bay path college has that we were dating or at least fucking, and well little did they know that the only thing her and I were doing was planning out my dream kitchen.

Yet I havent found the right words to explain to her that I am truely happy. I dont feel like I owe TB anything or have to live up to her standard. She makes me feel loved in a way that K couldnt. K loves me as her wife which translates to best friend that we can live together forever if we dont find that perfect relationship. TB is the other part of that puzzle. K thinks that I am going to leave her and she keeps giving me reason to runaway but honestly she can push as hard as she want and im not going anywhere, i just wish she believed me. I know her friends dont get it, and think that Im not putting an effort into it but what they dont get and I hate to say this but because they are freshmen, they havent figured it all out. Wait till next year when they all live in seperate places and with different people. It becomes hard to balance your friends, and when your group of friends divide and your stuck in the middle where do you go, and on top of all of that you are playing superwoman to a mall all womens college and being everything to everyone. Thats when coming over at 1:00 am isnt so crazy. I havent seen K in ages and it sucks. I miss her. I miss us just laying there watching the nanny and her picking on me for my endless laughter at fran and niles, but Im scared to see her. I dont want to hurt her by being all glowy and gushy over TB.

I know she has my back and wouldnt leave me but in the past few weeks I have felt abandoned by her, and that for the first time I couldnt tell my best friend everything. And that feeling needs to go away. This all needs to change, but I dont know how to get us back without us both being defensive and hurt.

hearts and arrows

"my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds

my feet have left the ground

my life is turning around and round

and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad

oh bows and arrows

stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah

every heartbeat every kiss just

makes me wonder what all this is

suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah"

 And running like mad seems to be exactly what I am doing. I'm really happy with TB, really happy with her and just when things seem to be going in my favor everything falls apart. This past week I have been miserable. Id like to chalk it up to being a hormonal female but I feel like that isnt an option for me. I feel like Im taking that good thing in my life and putting it to the test. Can she deal with this? Can she handle me? Can she deal with the distance? Better question, can I? I thought I could, I mean Ive done it before with relationships in Albany and Portland and Ive never felt like this. Ive never missed someone this much, or felt so much anger at a mere three hours. Maybe this is how it is suppose to feel when you are being true to yourself and following your heart. My recent debate: I want to feel wanted and sometime I feel like Im just a bother to TB than someone she actually wants to be with. Now I know (after last nights conversation) that this isnt true but it still sucks and I know that just like the song, my head is telling me to run like mad but with every heart beat every kiss just makes me wonder what all this is. And right now this is like the snow, its going to stick around for awhile.