So this semester has had its highs and lows. C and I are done, and this time it wasnt cause she was walking away. I walked away from her. I said I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt be everything to everyone and have nothing for myself. Thats how I started the semester. Feeling like anything I chose to do for myself would inevitably make my life hell with my friends. The recent thing putting a smile on my face is my girlfriend. What I didnt know is that picking her would lead to me losing the person I cared about most. I get defensive when I feel like I have to pick between being happy and being everything to everyone else. And trust me, ask those who have made me choose and they will tell you that they lost. I am the type of person that feels like I have given everything I have to everyone else, so the one time I take everyones advice and do something for me and it blows up in my face makes me feel angered. I respond to peoples actions, you give me attitude and Ill give it right back. Just ask my parents. Recently, my wife and I have done nothing but fight. Usually we fight about the ducks, stainless steal, and the horrible ex's (or ex interests) in our lives, mostly mine becuase I keep them around. She asked me not to talk about my girlfriend with her when we first started dating, so when TB came to see me and she heard it from another source, she flipped on me. She wouldnt really talk to me and she wouldnt answer her phone and by the time she did i was so irritated it didnt matter. I felt like she was making me pick, it was TB or her. Normally I would pick her anyday of the week, and I have, over and over again. So many people told me she is just a stupid freshmen, that she doesnt understand, and that she is too up in my shit, and my normal responce has been to tell them to fuck off. The world of bay path college has that we were dating or at least fucking, and well little did they know that the only thing her and I were doing was planning out my dream kitchen.
Yet I havent found the right words to explain to her that I am truely happy. I dont feel like I owe TB anything or have to live up to her standard. She makes me feel loved in a way that K couldnt. K loves me as her wife which translates to best friend that we can live together forever if we dont find that perfect relationship. TB is the other part of that puzzle. K thinks that I am going to leave her and she keeps giving me reason to runaway but honestly she can push as hard as she want and im not going anywhere, i just wish she believed me. I know her friends dont get it, and think that Im not putting an effort into it but what they dont get and I hate to say this but because they are freshmen, they havent figured it all out. Wait till next year when they all live in seperate places and with different people. It becomes hard to balance your friends, and when your group of friends divide and your stuck in the middle where do you go, and on top of all of that you are playing superwoman to a mall all womens college and being everything to everyone. Thats when coming over at 1:00 am isnt so crazy. I havent seen K in ages and it sucks. I miss her. I miss us just laying there watching the nanny and her picking on me for my endless laughter at fran and niles, but Im scared to see her. I dont want to hurt her by being all glowy and gushy over TB.
I know she has my back and wouldnt leave me but in the past few weeks I have felt abandoned by her, and that for the first time I couldnt tell my best friend everything. And that feeling needs to go away. This all needs to change, but I dont know how to get us back without us both being defensive and hurt.