Mom

Its no secret that I don't have a great relationship with my mom and lately it seems that her and I are just destined to never get along let alone see eye to eye. Yesterday she told me that I wasn't working hard enough to go to grad school and that I would never be able to afford it so i should just put it on hold and wait a while. First of all, I am working for it and I worked hard for it. Second, no shit I can't afford it, but who can. And so if I have to sign a bunch of student loans, work more than forty hours a week at low paying jobs, then that's what I will do. Maybe the best thing for me is to looking into paying rent on a year lease rather than ridiculous amounts on dorm life. Maybe Ill get an RDship next year. Maybe Ill get a coaching job. Maybe Ill have a grad assistantship that will help pay for school. With her its always the negative, I don't think my mother has ever taken a risk in her life let alone just done something because she wanted to. My parents always tell me that its silly to just do things on a whim but I swear I have the best adventures when I decide to do the something on a whim. Like last weekend, I went to hampton beach. It was last minute, but it was great and I had never been.

When shit went down on Tuesday with CC, all I wanted was my mom, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't go home and pretend like everything was fine because my mom knows me and she would know something was up, but this was not the time for me to be like "yeah I'm in love with a girl and she just shattered my heart". I know its not totally her fault because I haven't told her but this wasn't the coming out I had planned. Like seriously not the best of timing. Also I know what my mom and my dad would have said. They would have told me to go do something or go to my room and come back when I am less emotional. My mom cant handle emotions and doesn't like to talk about them. When she saw the cuts on my leg she asked why I didn't tell her. Not are you okay? Not why did you do it? Not when did it start or do you want to talk about it? When I said I was depressed she never asked why? or what lead to it? She just asked me if it was a side effect of my birthcontrol med's.

So basically there are days where i just want my mommy and then I remember that our lack of relationship will forever hinder that.