Saturday, June 11, 2011


I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...

Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.

That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a  million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.

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