Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.
I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.
Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law. It was great and it made me feel better.
Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.
Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....