douche!

dear ref,
thank you for your doucheness.... now because of you and your attitude i cant put my full weight on my knee and I am on crutches and constant pain. Oh and your comments of encouragement can go suck it, because ice and ibprophin will not fix this and asking how my knee is when Im gimmping over on crutches will only increase your chances of getting beaten.

royally pissed,
my pcl ligament

grandpa

I miss everything about you.

gone

Gone. This semester is almost over. grad school is approaching. friends are getting married, getting appartments, going off into the real world, and where I am? What I am I doing? Grad school, more school, more money, more time, that everyone seems to tell me its not worth. Escaping this place, escaping this world, is exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. Im done here, Ive done all I can and all I want to, but this place has been my home, this is where I found me and where I lost me, and leaving a place that is such a part of me is scary. There will be those that I miss, those that mattered then but will not matter later, and those that I simply cant wait to forget. Forgetting wont be easy or simple, but if its whats best, then it is what it is. And maybe its not forgetting, its just getting past everything that was and moving on to what is.

something new

For the first time I am out of words. I dont know what to write, what to say. For the first time I am staring at a blank page wondering what words are doing to spill out onto the screen, and the more I stare the more I realize that there are no more words. Its all out there.

It is time. Time to move from healing to living to smiling and laughing. It is time to find something new.

period.

Behind

Lost and confused

Broken and bruised

Scared

Dared to care

disappear into thin air

Believe

faith and trust

take two

second chance

survival

deep breath

keep moving

running or walking

smile

because your alive

North or South

Just stop. Please. With everything going on right now I need it all to just stop. I need to feel like I can breathe again before the next piece of my life decides to fall out of place. I dont get it, I dont understand, and Im falling apart. I chickened out on saying anything earlier because I was to scared to admit that I was crashing, but not now. I am crashing, I can feel it. I feel out of control, like Im just watching this all happen and its like watching something from the pensive in Harry Potter... (yes, I just went there) Seeing it all happen but not being able to do anything about it. My coach says Im doing well playing every thing cool and handling it, but everything inside me wants to run, run to westfield, run home, run to wnec, hell at this pointed Id gladly run to elms if i knew there was something there that would pick me up. Thats all I need is something to pull me out of this funk, this crashing, life sucking mood Im in. I know I need a weekend away, get out of here, out of my room, an escape from life, except I dont know if Im going in the right direction. Should I be going south or heading east. My family will be holding their annual family thanksgiving on Saturday, and everyone would be there. All my cousins, my brother, my aunts and uncles, everyone. Maybe thats what I need, a day of holding my baby cousin, running around helping my aunt, and watching my brother and my cousins go shot for shot of stoli. Or do I go south, do I go to PA. Cedar Crest College tournament. Basketball. My life. The only thing truely keeping me together at this moment. This years team has become my family and its amazing. I know in my heart which of these two things I will pick. I am going to play basketball and Im going to leave everything I have out there on the floor becuase not only is that what I probably need most but my parents and my family wouldnt want me to do anything less. But I miss my family. I miss these moment. But its these basketball moments that Ill never get back, that Ill never have again after this year, and there will always be another family turkey day.

So PA here I come...

trust

God would never give you more than you can handle. My typical responce... I just wish he didnt trust me so much. I am not a spiritual person by far, and I can probably name everytime that I looked at the sky saying "really!" I dont look to "the big man upstairs" for any advice or guiding signs but I have to say I do admire his trust in me. He trusts me more than I trust myself usually and as much I want to march my ass up there wring his neck and say cut the shit, I know at the end of the day Ill be right here, accepting every challenge with this quirky smirk on my face. I just wish we could trust people as much as the world trusts us. With everything each and everyone of us is dealt, every card, every bad hand, up and down, high and low, with everything going on we are a lot stronger then any of us know, we just need to have faith and trust. Trust in ourselves, trust in our families, and most importantly trust in our friends. It is our friends that are the glue that holds everything together even when we feel like everything is falling apart, they are there. Trust in them. Go to them. Love them. Be honest with them, and you will see its as easy as being honest with yourself.

Shot Seventeen: trust is trust