catch up

Okay here is whats been going on in my life, everything you probably wanted to know but didnt want to know all at the same time. So my friends are good kinda.

C and I have had  our ups and downs this past few weeks, and we are good now but we still have to learn how to communicate with eachother. I am the type of person where I dont say what I need and I just kinda let things happen and never ask for anything. I dont say when I need things and when I do need things I go inside myself or I relay only people who already know whats going on. Basically the night I messed my knee up was the same day that really hard for me and well after that weekend from hell, S came over and really treated like a queen. C and I were fighting and the entire bus ride home from the games and then we were fighting because C needed me and I needed S. It was a miscommunitcation and we have since fixed it but we are still working on things, and now C is home and I am home and I hate that she isnt right down the hall cause being home sucks.

K and I are stilll trying to work on things. We are still married, but things have gotten hard. K likes me, I know she does, and she and I are both trying not cross that line because we know its not going to happen. Dating K would be easy, it would be easy for us to do, but it wouldnt be fair. I dont feel the same way she does and I cant do that to her. I love her and I would do anything for her but I couldnt date her nor would I subject her to the horribleness that is dating me. Trust me K, you dont want to date me. I hope our marriage works becuase I really like my wife and I really want to keep her.

JT and L. I miss my girls. I miss all the time we spent together, so my new years resolution is to spend more time with them.

As you probably gathered from my previous posts, T and I arent talking. It took me ages to figure out what we were actually fighting about and once I did I know it was a big misunderstanding. Somethings are just better left misunderstood. Im not going to explain it, but I miss her. I know we dont have anything, but I do miss her. I miss the feeling of her arms around me but I dont miss the walking on egg shells feeling I had with her. Now its just me and basketball, and her and basketball, and that probably a good thing. I hope we can fix us, but I dont have the energy to fight her or fight with her. You win some you lose some, Im just going to let this one work itself out.
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So love. I quit. I quit girls. haha who am I kidding. KC is being KC. She is a douche. I finally got the memo that she is a douche and I deserve better, and right now she is playing the I am trying to be straight card and honestly Ill let her ride that one out for a while cause I dont really feel like telling her yeah no your gay. But then again everyone says that about me and I still hold out on me and S.

And now I am currently watching the Nanny and eating cookies and oh studying for final exams. FUCK MY LIFE. I dont get the girl instead I get a knee injury, a stomach virus, a sinus infection, and now I finally can take my exams and guess what I dont want too!!!   I wish there was more to tell you about my life. oh except 100%  sober I told E that her gf didnt have to worry about E hooking up with a boy because if she did hook up with anyone it would be me. I dont know what got into me but well E was speachless and on top of it all, she didnt say anything. Maybe the break will be a little more interesting.

tomorrow

My life tomorrow....
9:00 am - Spanish Final
10:00 am- Macro Final
1:00 pm- Real Estate Final
back to bay path to finish and hand in my CIT final

letter to the parentals

Dear Parents!!!
LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL!!!! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST ASK ME IF IM HAPPY AND IF NOT WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY??? ITS NOT THAT HARD. PLEASE JUST BE THE PARENTS WE BOTH WANT YOU TO BE AND LOVE ME FOR ME, NOT FOR WHO YOU THINK I SHOULD BE.

this includes accepting my major, my grad program, oh and my sexual orintation... just saying!

<3 your daughter

things to remember about 2010

Things to remember about 2010

1. Kamp
2. Basketball 2010-2011
3. 21st birthday
4. Rome
5. KC
6. Nights with scott.
7. ABBIE!
8. times with C
9. JT and A engagement party
10. Drinks with M and BB
11. Times with wright hall RAs
12. Shopping with Jess and Laurel (platos :D)
13. Running
14. Nanny with Kayla
15. "You are the only exception" even now.

forgetting 2010

Forgetting 2010

1. I worked hard to not be that girl. I really tryed not to be the girl that fall for the girl from home and never lett it ago and for awhile i was doing that just that. We are friends. Could we be more yeah? Am I waiting for more? I dont know. I dont know what I want from her and thats a good feeling
2. Fighting with T. Its all we do is fight. I really dont want to fight with her. Im not even forcing anything anymore because I just cant anymore. I cant fight with her anymore, I dont have it in me to fight anymore. I cant make her love basketball for all the reasons I do, I cant make her look at me and make her feel about me how i feel about her. She makes my heart jump. everything about that girl makes my head spin, and its too much. 
3. I want to forget what I know, and remember what I feel. 
4. GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! is the only thing that matters right now.  

giddy

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

dont care

There are somethings we will never understand and cant possibly expect to. The things people do and say and they way the act might blow our minds but there is nothing we can do about it. We cant fix it, cant force them to see it our way, and sometimes its more than just a difference of opinion. My friends and I dont always see eye to eye and when we disagree on something its usually a difference of opinion. We discuss it and its done. Over the weekend I learned that you cant force passion. No matter what you say you cant get people to feel the way you feel about something. And as I right this I realized that I am truly sensoring what I am saying to avoid confrontation which drives me nuts. I dont know. I dont understand where you get off. But its done. We're done. I dont care anymore.

You can either throw in the towel, or use it to wipe off your sweat.

you decide