Tuesday, December 28, 2010

what had happened was.....

My PCL story:
So heres what happened. Last basketball season I tore my PCL. I have no idea how it happened or what actually went on. I didnt really think anything of it until I was preparing for this season. While running and doing our basketball workouts I noticed that my knee was doing some funny stuff. It was moving all around and shit. I showed our trainer what I could now do with my knee and not only was she grossed out but she immediately signed me up to see our team doctor. His answer: get a PCL brace and heres a script to see a orthopedic surgeon. So I got the brace and I love it. I love this brace. It makes my knee actual feel stable and although I was still able to make it pivot on its own. Anyway things we're great, that is until a ref told me I wasnt going to be able to play with my brace, and so the stubborn me said "fine, I wont." Bad idea. I ended up making my knee really sore and needed to have another MRI. Two weeks later, I was sitting in Dr. McBrides office. Dr. McBride and I have meet twice before. The first was for the first time I hurt my knee, the second was for when I broke my tibia from shin splints. Well four years later here we were again. Sitting in the office, holding the MRI results, waiting. Waiting to find out what was going to happen next. I have been told by trainers, doctors, and even my mother, that there is nothing that they can do for a PCL tear, and that they probably wont do anything. I didnt do the research on it, I just kinda let it happen. Whatever they are going to do or say, it is what it is. I thought I was going to need surgery, hell i told people that I was going to have surgery, but there was always this part of me that hoped that they would tell me that what I had been preparing myself for was wrong. The one time I wanted to be wrong, I was right. McBride looked at me knee, he watched me do all my tricks with it, ran the same test every trainer and doctor had done on it. And then he looked at the MRI report. He told me that I have a grade three tear to my PCL which basically ment that the ligament was completely torn and away from the tibia. Also, my tibia drops which its not suppose to do. After doing the assessment McBride looked at me and said "out of 100 knees I see 5 are PCL and of those 5 I'd operate on 1 of them. Most people that have a torn PCL get them from car accidents." Apparently Im special. Then we discussed surgery. What there going to do is take my quad tendon and make it into my PCL ligament. Happy spring break to me.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Fucking perfect by pink

Made a wrong turn, Once or twice
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated this place, Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good, It didnt slow me down.
Mistaking, Always second guessing
Underestimating, Look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, You're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean, When you talk, About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, Make them like you instead
So complicated, Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred, Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than, Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, You're fucking perfect to me

The whole worlds scared, So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, And we try, try, try
But we try too hard And it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?, Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Oh baby pretty please
Pretty, pretty please, Dont you ever feel
Like you're less than, Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect
Pretty, pretty please, If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me

My new favorite song. Story of my life. Thanks C. <3

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

Posterior Cruciate Liagment (PCL)
Normal PCL


Grade III (severe) The PCL is either completely torn or is separated at its end from the bone that it normally anchors, and the knee is more unstabile. Because it usually takes a large amount of force to cause a severe PCL injury, patients with Grade III PCL sprains often also have sprains of the ACL or collateral ligaments or other significant knee injuries.


A variety of graft choices are available to surgeons that include autogenous patellar or quadriceps tendon with bone blocks, or hamstring tendons. In addition, patellar tendon or achilles tendon allografts (from donors) may be used. The main portion of the PCL which needs to be reconstructed is the anterolateral bundles. Arthroscopic assisted or open PCL reconstructions involve removing the remaining native PCL, with care to preserve the ligament of Wrisberg if it is intact. A tunnel is drilled at the anatomic attachment site of the anterolateral bundle at the anteromedial wall of the itercondylar notch, in line with the roof of the notch and about 6-8 mm from the articular surface of the medial femoral condyle. The tibial attachment site is then prepared by identifying the normal attachment site of the PCL at the bottom of the PCL facet. A tibial tunnel is then drilled, at approximately a 75º angle and about 6 cm from the joint line, from anteriorly to posteriorly. Once the tunnels are drilled, sharp edges and soft tissues around the tunnel exit site are smoothed off with the use of a rasp. The graft is then passed into the joint and fixed in its femoral tunnel (usually with a cannulated interference screw). The graft is then tensioned distally while the knee is cycled several times to remove any slack in the graft. The graft is then fixed to the tibia, usually with staples, while the knee is flexed to 90º, distal traction is placed on the graft, and an anterior force is applied to the tibia. After fixation, the posterior drawer is assessed to verify a return of normal posterior stability to the knee, and the surgical incisions are closed.

Postoperatively, it is recommended that the patient remain in full extension for a period of 2 to 4 weeks for isolated PCL reconstructions. In multiligament reconstructions, the patient is often placed into a continuous passive motion (CPM) machine for range of motion. Patients are non weight bearing with quad sets and straight leg raises in the immobilizer only started the 1st postoperative day. It is especially important for PCL reconstruction patients to not have any posterior sag of their tibia which would stretch out the graft. Pillows or other support under the tibia is required for the first two months after surgery. After 8 weeks, weight bearing is initiated and more active rehabilitation is started.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Took three finals today. And now I wanna go running! Coach Huntley, what have you done to me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

catch up

Okay here is whats been going on in my life, everything you probably wanted to know but didnt want to know all at the same time. So my friends are good kinda.

C and I have had  our ups and downs this past few weeks, and we are good now but we still have to learn how to communicate with eachother. I am the type of person where I dont say what I need and I just kinda let things happen and never ask for anything. I dont say when I need things and when I do need things I go inside myself or I relay only people who already know whats going on. Basically the night I messed my knee up was the same day that really hard for me and well after that weekend from hell, S came over and really treated like a queen. C and I were fighting and the entire bus ride home from the games and then we were fighting because C needed me and I needed S. It was a miscommunitcation and we have since fixed it but we are still working on things, and now C is home and I am home and I hate that she isnt right down the hall cause being home sucks.

K and I are stilll trying to work on things. We are still married, but things have gotten hard. K likes me, I know she does, and she and I are both trying not cross that line because we know its not going to happen. Dating K would be easy, it would be easy for us to do, but it wouldnt be fair. I dont feel the same way she does and I cant do that to her. I love her and I would do anything for her but I couldnt date her nor would I subject her to the horribleness that is dating me. Trust me K, you dont want to date me. I hope our marriage works becuase I really like my wife and I really want to keep her.

JT and L. I miss my girls. I miss all the time we spent together, so my new years resolution is to spend more time with them.

As you probably gathered from my previous posts, T and I arent talking. It took me ages to figure out what we were actually fighting about and once I did I know it was a big misunderstanding. Somethings are just better left misunderstood. Im not going to explain it, but I miss her. I know we dont have anything, but I do miss her. I miss the feeling of her arms around me but I dont miss the walking on egg shells feeling I had with her. Now its just me and basketball, and her and basketball, and that probably a good thing. I hope we can fix us, but I dont have the energy to fight her or fight with her. You win some you lose some, Im just going to let this one work itself out.
So love. I quit. I quit girls. haha who am I kidding. KC is being KC. She is a douche. I finally got the memo that she is a douche and I deserve better, and right now she is playing the I am trying to be straight card and honestly Ill let her ride that one out for a while cause I dont really feel like telling her yeah no your gay. But then again everyone says that about me and I still hold out on me and S.

And now I am currently watching the Nanny and eating cookies and oh studying for final exams. FUCK MY LIFE. I dont get the girl instead I get a knee injury, a stomach virus, a sinus infection, and now I finally can take my exams and guess what I dont want too!!!   I wish there was more to tell you about my life. oh except 100%  sober I told E that her gf didnt have to worry about E hooking up with a boy because if she did hook up with anyone it would be me. I dont know what got into me but well E was speachless and on top of it all, she didnt say anything. Maybe the break will be a little more interesting.


My life tomorrow....
9:00 am - Spanish Final
10:00 am- Macro Final
1:00 pm- Real Estate Final
back to bay path to finish and hand in my CIT final

Monday, December 20, 2010

letter to the parentals

Dear Parents!!!

this includes accepting my major, my grad program, oh and my sexual orintation... just saying!

<3 your daughter

Saturday, December 18, 2010

things to remember about 2010

Things to remember about 2010
  1. Kamp
  2. Basketball 2010-2011
  3. 21st birthday
  4. Rome
  5. KC
  6. Nights with scott.
  7. ABBIE!
  8. times with C
  9. JT and A engagement party
  10. Drinks with M and BB
  11. Times with wright hall RAs
  12. Shopping with Jess and Laurel (platos :D)
  13. Running
  14. Nanny with Kayla
  15. "You are the only exception" even now.

forgetting 2010

Forgetting 2010
  1. I worked hard to not be that girl. I really tryed not to be the girl that fall for the girl from home and never lett it ago and for awhile i was doing that just that. We are friends. Could we be more yeah? Am I waiting for more? I dont know. I dont know what I want from her and thats a good feeling
  2. Fighting with T. Its all we do is fight. I really dont want to fight with her. Im not even forcing anything anymore because I just cant anymore. I cant fight with her anymore, I dont have it in me to fight anymore. I cant make her love basketball for all the reasons I do, I cant make her look at me and make her feel about me how i feel about her. She makes my heart jump. everything about that girl makes my head spin, and its too much. 
  3. I want to forget what I know, and remember what I feel. 
  4. GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! is the only thing that matters right now.  


Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it's impossible to breathe. Without her its impossible to breathe. i can do it, its not a matter of not being able to do it, its about wanting to. I hate this who needed her to breath feeling, I hate this caring to much about her, and what  is worse is that she has no idea. So im the fly on the wall that no one knows is there, that like always Im the girl that disappears. Something always brings me back to you; it never takes too long. Its true. It never takes long. The harder I try to be there more she looks at me and pushes me in the other direction. I will always come back but most of the time I just want to know why me? Have you just, not been able to get someone out of your head? I mean you know it's over, but I walk around with this pit in my stomach and everyone tells me I'll get over it. All I'm asking is when. When will i get over her. when will I be able to say fuck you and just walk. when? cause i dont want to do this anymore. I want someone else. I want someone who is going to the way i feel whenever she walks into a room about me. I want to feel that giddy....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

dont care

There are somethings we will never understand and cant possibly expect to. The things people do and say and they way the act might blow our minds but there is nothing we can do about it. We cant fix it, cant force them to see it our way, and sometimes its more than just a difference of opinion. My friends and I dont always see eye to eye and when we disagree on something its usually a difference of opinion. We discuss it and its done. Over the weekend I learned that you cant force passion. No matter what you say you cant get people to feel the way you feel about something. And as I right this I realized that I am truly sensoring what I am saying to avoid confrontation which drives me nuts. I dont know. I dont understand where you get off. But its done. We're done. I dont care anymore.

You can either throw in the towel, or use it to wipe off your sweat.
you decide

Sunday, December 5, 2010


dear ref,
thank you for your doucheness.... now because of you and your attitude i cant put my full weight on my knee and I am on crutches and constant pain. Oh and your comments of encouragement can go suck it, because ice and ibprophin will not fix this and asking how my knee is when Im gimmping over on crutches will only increase your chances of getting beaten.

royally pissed,
my pcl ligament

Friday, December 3, 2010


I miss everything about you.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Gone. This semester is almost over. grad school is approaching. friends are getting married, getting appartments, going off into the real world, and where I am? What I am I doing? Grad school, more school, more money, more time, that everyone seems to tell me its not worth. Escaping this place, escaping this world, is exhilerating and terrifying at the same time. Im done here, Ive done all I can and all I want to, but this place has been my home, this is where I found me and where I lost me, and leaving a place that is such a part of me is scary. There will be those that I miss, those that mattered then but will not matter later, and those that I simply cant wait to forget. Forgetting wont be easy or simple, but if its whats best, then it is what it is. And maybe its not forgetting, its just getting past everything that was and moving on to what is.