love

I am not by any means a religious person, in fact a year ago when I was walking through the Vatican city with my then girlfriend I was pretty sure every nun was going to die of cardiac arrest and that we were going to cause the collapse of the city. That being said I actually believe in this quote from the bible...

Corinthians 13:
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

At the end of the day love is the one thing that I have always believed in, and I guess you could say that was obvious considering its tattooed all over my body, but all the same love is the one thing I always believe in. I have been miserable, I have been hurt, I have been used and abused, but I am not a victim. I have been the girl that mad bad decisions, drank too much, and had some serious destructive actions. But I survived. I made it. I went to bed many nights wish my life was over and I woke up the next day actually happy to see the sun shining. I made it. I survived, and I do not play the victim card. I am a good person who bad shit has happened but that's it. It has made me who I am and it has made me stronger. I am a survivor.

That's not to say everything in my past doesn't play a role in my relationship with CC. It does and sometimes it sucks. But the best part is is that she gets it and she understands. She understands the flashbacks and the wacky emotion and the weird correlations that sex and emotions play. I ask her all the time "can she like me again" or "why do you hate me" and I honestly cant explain why I ask this all the time. I guess the easiest way is to say that its all in my insecurities but at the end of the day I know its more than that. Its that I wonder when she will leave me, or if I am even good enough to keep her around. Am I worth it? And this isn't to say that she doesn't make me feel like a  million bucks, because let me tell you, i have never felt as good with anyone as I do with her. Being abused plays a role in everything but i refuse to let it control my life.

:)

comfort

There are certain things in life that comfort people. I know when you are mad rubbing your back solves all problems. I know when I'm upset the first thing I do is turn on the nanny or ncis. Oh and I clean. Right now I don't have anything to clean and Ncis and the nanny aren't totally making me feel better, and its with feeling like these that I curl up in my bed with bunny or Percival and cry, but i cant do that either. My anxiety is killing me, my heart has sunk down to my stomach, and not hearing from you is killing me, the worst is that the old me from two years ago would say nothing 2 Prozac and a shot wouldn't cure, but I cant do that this time. I wont go back there. I wont be that girl again. I am better than that. But I hate feeling this way.

work

Work starts tomorrow. No more laying around doing nothing. But work isnt really work. Work is amazing. Kamp is amazing. Working with kids with developmental disabilities is amazing and rewarding. So really I cant wait!!!!

jealousy

"i'm not a jealous person. i'm just a girl, that would love to punch every other, girl that gives you a second look.

And I'm not a jealous person. I dont care as long as you are coming home to me. Does this make me a bad girlfriend? Am i suppose to care? I guess I would be lying if I said i liked her. Cause I dont. I hate her. I dont like her, and I dont agree with anything she says or does. I dont like that she thinks she knows me and that she thinks its totally okay to say shit about me. First of all bitch, you dont know me. Second of all, you dont know my relationship, so step the fuck off. But I am to blame to I guess, I came into your world, and took your girl. I came in, the knight in shining armour, and stole her away. Let me let you in on a little secret... it wasnt hard. You treated her like shit, and she is the nicest person in the world. You beat her up. I held her hand when she cried. You monitored her every move. I dont make her bail on her friends for me.

I guess I feel like a bad girlfriend for not caring and not letting it get to me. I cant change everything that has happened in the past before she came and stole my heart. I have my exes and she has hers but Id like to believe and I do believe that this doesnt play a role in our relationship. But I will tell you this.... you tryto make a move on my girlfriend, Ill fuck you up. I can promise you that.

Brah

 "Sports remain a great metaphor for life's more difficult lessons. It was through athletics that many of us first came to understand that fear can be tamed; that on a team the whole is more than the sum of its parts; and that the ability to be heroic lies, to a surprising degree, within." -Susan Casey

Athletics. Story of my life. Athletics have shaped me into who I am. They taught me control, they taught me team work and work ethic, they taught me how lose with dignity, and how to win with grace. They taught me sportmanship is different from gamemanship and they even when you arent on playing field both play a significant role in your life. Even though I have learned these things it doesnt mean that I have done them or done them well. I work hard. I work hard at school, my job, and my relationships. For years everyone thought that I just did it all and didnt work at it, mainly my parents, until they realized that it was more then what i did during the day but what i did when the doors were closed and the sun had gone down. Okay, so that was a mini tangent. Back to the point of this posting. Two key things in athletics is sportmanship and gamesmanship. Sportmanship is doing your best and playing to the best of your ability without degrading your opponent. This is why we shake hands at the end of a game, help someone up when there down, and not trash talk the opponent. Gamesmanship is different. Gamesmanship is doing something to give yourself an advantage. So basically cheating and not saying anything about.

Sportsmanship and Gamesmanship arent just in athletics, they are in relationships too. Relationships are teams. For example JT, L, and I are a team... team nose goes. M, BB, and I are a team... team too many boys (them not me).... K and I are a team... team wife, CC and I are a team (duh), and A and I are a team... team sismance. With all these teams there is some serious sportmanship and in each team its pretty much the same. Protective against outsiders, help up when someone knocks them on thier ass, kiss and make up at cant the end of a fight, and so on. In all of these teams, there cant be gamesmanship. You cant force an upper hand, you cheat your friends out to get ahead, it doesnt work that way.

This I have learned. I cant fight my way out of the bromance relationship that is between K and CC, because well its funny and its important. However, I will say as the wife I reserve the right to stand outside my wifes door and ask if Marco wants pizza. And just becuase the sismance doesnt discuss sex fully yet, we have a look. And you "brahs" dont know the look, and you should also thank us... why? because by having the sismance, you dont have to listen to us bitch about the emotional mumbo jumbo of relationships. So youre welcome. Also, the best part of having a wife is that she knows me and can disciepher my b.s. to my ever loving girlfriend. I think that A and I's sis mance is should really just be label as translators. Becuase we translate the emotions into short sentences the "brahs" understand.

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets. — Marilyn Monroe



Double standards

Double standards honestly piss me off, and there are a few in my life that I don't like to live by. The first being that anything my brother does is okay but if I do it its not. But that's beef i have to take up with the ever so loving parental units. My next peeve is in relationships. Over and over again I have been told that talking to my ex's hurts my current girlfriend CC, and she has been told the same. We have both been told to cut out the exes in order to keep our relationship standing and surviving. Another friend , BD, is in a similar boat. Her girl gets pissed that she talks to her ex and in order to keep the relationship she keeps her friendship with her ex a secret from her girl. I understand this too. I fully believe that a significant other doesn't get to tell you who to be friends with and a conversation is just a conversation but i also know that i wouldn't pick any of my exes over CC and i get why she doesn't like them.

All of my exes once had a part of me, whether they had all of me or some of me they had a part of me. And some of them will always remain in my heart and I will always care about them and care about what happens to them but that doesn't mean i would ever go back to dating them. there is a reason that we didn't work, whether it was them, me, timing, or just plain imperfection, it didn't work for its own reasons and that is nothing to go back too.

Two of my close friends are both dealing with this issue. And I get it, from both sides I get it. I get where A is coming from in that exes cause stress because they once had you. They once knew everything you were thinking and feeling and that continuing talking to them may mean that you are telling them more then you are telling your actual girlfriend. Also, keeping and ex close kind of gives them the upper hand. Anytime the girlfriend screws up they learn what not to do and if they want to win you back they can. And there's more to this. its not just about control or jealousy and often it has nothing to do with either. Its about being in a relationship with you not with you and your ex. However from the other side I see that too. I am notorious for being friends with my exes and that is because at one point or another they were there when i felt i had no one. That being said I will repeat that i will not be leaving CC for any of my exes.

My advice: Just talk to your partner, make sure they feel loved, and confident in your relationship, then bring in the exes. This is one case where keep your friends close and your enemies closer doesn't apply. If something is going to ruin your happily ever after then its not worth keeping the poison around.