Im scared. You know I am and you fuel the fear. I know Im blowing it up to be bigger than it is but I also know that I hate that i care because I know that now that I care I cant let you go back there. I cant let you go back into a bad situation even though i wont let you lose everything over me. Im just a stupid girl with stupid feelings that are completely irrelevent to the real world emotions that are in existance. so... now what. do i wait for you? do i pray for you? do i yell? scream? beg? cry?
Sunday, April 24, 2011
questions without answers
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
...
Life has been crazy busy and I'm failing. I just want to sleep and make everything go away. I don't want to fight with S anymore, I don't want to cry anymore, but I can't let go, I can't walk away....
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
stop. pause. rewind. fastforward. the end
So this week I have not only been a slacker blogger but Ive been a stacker student, friend, ra, and student athlete.... and here is why.
Monday (4/4)....
Welcome to my hell week. I knew starting this week that I was going to have a bad week. The night before S explains to me that his sister is in the hosipital having seizures. He tells me the whole story and seems so calm and relaxed about it. That is what I admire about him, his ability to stay calm when the normal person would be freaking out amazes me. Anyway, needless to say the studying that i needed to get done wasnt going to happen and on top of everything going on S explains to me that I dont know or understand the relationship between him and I and well that just lead to lots of tears. We talked and cuddled and I cried and cried for hours. We fell asleep at 4:30 having resolved nothing and me not having studied for my looming lab practicle. After getting 4 hours of sleep I then got up and started cramming for my exam. At 11 I walked into the exam knowing I was going to fail, and once the exam was passed out my mind blanked and panic set in. After handing in the exam and figuring that i have no hope in passing my teacher gave me a lecture about being proud and not to be afraid to ask for help, especially when things happen unexpectedly. She also informed me that even if you put something off its still okay to admit that yes your planning sucked but in the end ou cant control the events around you. Needless to say she told me that I should have asked her if I could take it later and gone back to bed, but me being me, thats not my style.
Tuesday
After envitably bombing my lab practicle tuesday couldnt get any worse, or could it? My 8:00 am class was short and sweet, pt was productive and I got to be offically off crutches, class again at one which ment cramming information in before our lecture exam on thursday. Thankfully a girl in my class had the balls enough to ask the professor if we could start the lecture on the leg on thursday and take the test after the weekend. I dont think I have prayed so much in a time period. After what felt like ages she agreed and did us one better. She said seeing as our week sucked so much that we could have thursday off and take the exam on tuesday. Thank god cause I was not ready for that exam. After the exam B and I went to my home town to pay the deposit on the cupcakes for gala. I had the school credit card so I could buy the cupcakes in full but heres the kicker... they dont take credit cards. So after calling my boss and freaking out I withdrew 50$ from my bank account to place a deposit on the cupcakes that I would then need to pick up on friday at 3:00. Next up spanish, inwhich the teacher made me feel stupid. After that we needed to make a banner for wacky wildcat challenge and did anyone get paper... noooooo. Our bosses were pissed but in the end it all worked out and our banner looked bbbaaannnggggin.
Wednesday
And let the true definition of hell week begin. After finishing my topic paragraph for jarvis and going to class the fun begins. The Marcia H. Conrad award ceremony, with yours truely as one of the master of ceremonies for the event. I knew I was getting at least one award but I walked out with three awards and to top it off I got to go to dinner with my brother and my dad. After dinner with my dad and an awkward conversation about sex with S, which we arent having and wont be having for a good long time. My dad felt that it was important to inform me that he didnt want grandchildren any time soon. After dinner was my SGA meeting, which was great becuase peter was running it and after a quick meeting my RAs and I held a tye dye event to make things all green for the upcoming wacky wildcat challenge.
Thursday
Class at 8, Pt at 10. Meeting at 12:15. Then from one to four thirty I ran around getting things for gala. everything was good. Spanish at 430. and from when class ended till wack pep rally at 730 I desperately needed to do my paper. I got about a page done when I needed to attend the pep rally. We practiced our chant, scarfted down pizza, lite our sparklers and headed out to kick some serious ass. And we won!
Friday:
Gala. Paper due. Got up at nine to do favors. ran out of candy so one of my vps went to get some. ran out again so after my class i had to get some after getting cupcakes. it took forever. we were running late and i only had ten minutes to get ready. gala was a hit but all i wanted was to cuddle with S and I kept hoping he would just magically appear. After gala S picked me up, Z told him to make sure we had good sex which we didnt, and then scott and I got in discussion of hypotheticals which left him sleeping and me crying. I cried myself to sleep that night and he didnt even notice.
Saturday::
Bought my dress for JT's wedding and B, TJ, and I went to liz's wedding. I got set up with a new boy and Im looking forward to going out of it.
Monday (4/4)....
Welcome to my hell week. I knew starting this week that I was going to have a bad week. The night before S explains to me that his sister is in the hosipital having seizures. He tells me the whole story and seems so calm and relaxed about it. That is what I admire about him, his ability to stay calm when the normal person would be freaking out amazes me. Anyway, needless to say the studying that i needed to get done wasnt going to happen and on top of everything going on S explains to me that I dont know or understand the relationship between him and I and well that just lead to lots of tears. We talked and cuddled and I cried and cried for hours. We fell asleep at 4:30 having resolved nothing and me not having studied for my looming lab practicle. After getting 4 hours of sleep I then got up and started cramming for my exam. At 11 I walked into the exam knowing I was going to fail, and once the exam was passed out my mind blanked and panic set in. After handing in the exam and figuring that i have no hope in passing my teacher gave me a lecture about being proud and not to be afraid to ask for help, especially when things happen unexpectedly. She also informed me that even if you put something off its still okay to admit that yes your planning sucked but in the end ou cant control the events around you. Needless to say she told me that I should have asked her if I could take it later and gone back to bed, but me being me, thats not my style.
Tuesday
After envitably bombing my lab practicle tuesday couldnt get any worse, or could it? My 8:00 am class was short and sweet, pt was productive and I got to be offically off crutches, class again at one which ment cramming information in before our lecture exam on thursday. Thankfully a girl in my class had the balls enough to ask the professor if we could start the lecture on the leg on thursday and take the test after the weekend. I dont think I have prayed so much in a time period. After what felt like ages she agreed and did us one better. She said seeing as our week sucked so much that we could have thursday off and take the exam on tuesday. Thank god cause I was not ready for that exam. After the exam B and I went to my home town to pay the deposit on the cupcakes for gala. I had the school credit card so I could buy the cupcakes in full but heres the kicker... they dont take credit cards. So after calling my boss and freaking out I withdrew 50$ from my bank account to place a deposit on the cupcakes that I would then need to pick up on friday at 3:00. Next up spanish, inwhich the teacher made me feel stupid. After that we needed to make a banner for wacky wildcat challenge and did anyone get paper... noooooo. Our bosses were pissed but in the end it all worked out and our banner looked bbbaaannnggggin.
Wednesday
And let the true definition of hell week begin. After finishing my topic paragraph for jarvis and going to class the fun begins. The Marcia H. Conrad award ceremony, with yours truely as one of the master of ceremonies for the event. I knew I was getting at least one award but I walked out with three awards and to top it off I got to go to dinner with my brother and my dad. After dinner with my dad and an awkward conversation about sex with S, which we arent having and wont be having for a good long time. My dad felt that it was important to inform me that he didnt want grandchildren any time soon. After dinner was my SGA meeting, which was great becuase peter was running it and after a quick meeting my RAs and I held a tye dye event to make things all green for the upcoming wacky wildcat challenge.
Thursday
Class at 8, Pt at 10. Meeting at 12:15. Then from one to four thirty I ran around getting things for gala. everything was good. Spanish at 430. and from when class ended till wack pep rally at 730 I desperately needed to do my paper. I got about a page done when I needed to attend the pep rally. We practiced our chant, scarfted down pizza, lite our sparklers and headed out to kick some serious ass. And we won!
Friday:
Gala. Paper due. Got up at nine to do favors. ran out of candy so one of my vps went to get some. ran out again so after my class i had to get some after getting cupcakes. it took forever. we were running late and i only had ten minutes to get ready. gala was a hit but all i wanted was to cuddle with S and I kept hoping he would just magically appear. After gala S picked me up, Z told him to make sure we had good sex which we didnt, and then scott and I got in discussion of hypotheticals which left him sleeping and me crying. I cried myself to sleep that night and he didnt even notice.
Saturday::
Bought my dress for JT's wedding and B, TJ, and I went to liz's wedding. I got set up with a new boy and Im looking forward to going out of it.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Baby Baby Baby OH
Baby baby baby ohhh.... life has become a hassel. Im exhausted. I havent been sleeping or eating right or even taking care of myself. Im exhausted, my body is telling me to stop and my caffine in take has dramatically increased in the last week. S and I have been fighting more than usual. We really got into it in the wee hours of sunday morning. On saturday I was upset. I was tired, frozen, and in pain, and i was on duty. Now all I wanted with a kiss or some sort of attention from my boyfriend and did i get that....NNNOOOOOOO. I dont cry. And I ended up cry, it was stupid, I felt stupid, but i just wanted to feel like S cared and at that point it didnt seem like he did. And well after all of our friends left we fought, and then we kissed and made up and he cuddled with me. Sunday was the same, monday we argued but then cuddled, tuesday we cuddled, and last night we were suppose to see each other and he just showed up at my door. Was it great to have him there yes, howevver, I need to sleep and he doesnt help that. So tonight with or without S, Im going to bed and sleeping forever.
Good Night world
Good Night world
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Hahnology
1)Are you really ready for 111 questions?.....I guess soo
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.
5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all
6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness
8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings
10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep
11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know
12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous
14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely
16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years
17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn
19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike
21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)
23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day
24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies
25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have
28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive
29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments
31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn
32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.
33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes
35) Do you type fast?...... kinda
36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.
37) Want any more?.... no
38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather
40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea
43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes
46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes
50) What should you be doing ?.... homework
51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling
53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies
54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp
57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget
66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes
67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit
73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)
74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.
76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it
78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too
80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.
81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella
88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay
89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do :)
92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D
93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)
94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them
95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name
96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it
103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally
107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I
110) Favourite lyrics right now?....
How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?.... It wasnt a mistake, it was just to much to fast.
4) Who did you last say “I love you” to?..... well I told Scott he was lucky I loved him if that counts.
5) Do you regret it?.... Not at all
6) Have you ever been depressed?.... Yes. Been there done that, dont really wanna go back there. Finally found my flashlight and got the hell out of the darkness
8)Are you a boy or girl?..... Girl
9) What is your relationship status?.....unoffically single... aka Scott needs to get his head out of his butt and accept strings
10) How do you want to die?..... In my sleep
11) What did you last eat?.... Pepperoni, Im weird I know
12) Played any sports?... Softball, basketball, figure skating
13) Do you bite your nails?.... yes, only when im nervous
14) When was your last physical fight?.... ummmmm 7th grade... thanks justine
15) Do you have an attitude?..... absolutely
16) Do you like someone?..... yes. i like and love. I am torn between what could be simple and easy while not being totally right for me, and what its hard and complicated that Ive been fighting for for two years
17) What is your real name?..... Samantha Evelyn Hahn
19) Are you gonna get high later ?...... No
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?.... Not so much hate but a strong freaking dislike
21) Do you miss someone?.... all day everyday
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?.... Both, Im special. :)
23) Do you tan a lot?.... Not a chance in hell, I spend time out side with SPF 20 and call it a day
24) Have any pets?.... 3 cats and 2 froggies
25) How exactly are you feeling?.... Torn between everything in life. Between what I dream about and what could actually happen.
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?.... yup i have
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?..... yes i have
28) Would you take any of your exes back?......... At this point I dont know, Ive gotten along pretty well without them that taking them back would just be self distructive
29) Are you scared of spiders? ..... deathly afraid
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?... yes, but only to a few moments
31) Do you regret anything from your past?.... most of sophmore summer, Live and learn
32) What are your plans for this weekend?.... bowling with the boys, vt on saturday to see candice, maddi, and alex, and then softball and hanging out with ash on sunday.
33) Do you want to have kids?....yes, 3, and I have baby names picked too
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M?.... yes
35) Do you type fast?...... kinda
36) Do you have piercings? How many?.... yes, one.
37) Want any more?.... no
38) Can you spell well?.... I dont spell.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?.... yes. my mikes and my grandfather
40) What are you craving right now?... mashed potatoes now thanks to candice, but before i was craving chips and dip
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?... ummmm i live in the hick sooo yea
43) Have you ever been on a horse?..... yes
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?.... nope
45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? .... yes, intentionally no, but yes
46) Have you ever been cheated on?... yes
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?.... yes
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?....yes
50) What should you be doing ?.... homework
51) What’s irritating you right now?..... the fact that i dont have my car and need to depend on other people
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?.... this whole i need you to breathe feeling
53) Does somebody love you?.... my family and friends, everyone else lies
54) What is your favorite colour?..... Green.... lime freakin green
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?.....yupp
57) Do you have trust issues?... theres only so much you can handle before ou question everything. I trust everone its the devil inside i dont trust.
60. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?...... NO
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?.... Yeah when she want to know how my softball team is doing
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? David, Bri, Mel, and Scott, I dont cry either.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?.... Way to easily and way to much
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?..... I forgive but I never forget
66) Is this year the best year of your life?... HAHAHAHAHAHA youve got jokes
67) What was your child hood nickname?... Sam, which has changed to Hahn
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?.... yup, skinny dipping :)
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?.... yup, and karma is a bitch
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?.... fought with scott over stupid shit
73) What is bothering you?... the fact that this survey cant count :)
74) Have you ever been out of your province? ummmmm yeah
75) Do you play the Wii?.... I have.
76) Are you listening to music right now?... no im listening to ashley babble :D
77) Do you like Chinese food?... some of it
78) Do you know your fathers b- day?.... sure do :)
79) Are you afraid of the dark?... use too
80) Is cheating ever okay?.... For me no but I dont judge, you do you and Ill back your choice.
81) Are you mean?.... I can be a fucking bitch
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?... negative, I run in the rain with white shoes
84) Do you believe in true love?... nope, f you cinderella
88) Do you like the outside?..... its okay
89) Are you currently bored?.... well duhhh
90) Do you wanna get married?.... yes i do
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?....... I do :)
92) Are you hungry?..... starving :D
93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight?.... yup :)
94) What makes you happy?... Good nights with scott and seeing pictures of baby alex, abbie, and liam... those kids are my world and they arent related to me but ill spoil the shit out of them
95) Would you change your name?.... yeah. When I marry, Ill take thier last name and add my maiden name to my middle name
96) Ever been to Alaska?.... and i wouldnt, I hate snow
98) Do you watch the news?.... here and there
99) What’ s your zodiac sign?..... peices
100) Do you like Subway?..... LOVE IT
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?... Not at all
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?... were already dating he just doesnt know it
103) Do you talk like your friends?... yes i do
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?.... yes
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?... completely and totally
107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?.....scott
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?... Cigs yes, pot no. but keep it away from me
109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?...... Me myself and I
110) Favourite lyrics right now?....
How many times can I break til I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break; let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time
But I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
111) Can you count to one million?..... doubt it, ADD would kick in
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