Tuesday, February 22, 2011

it doesnt get any better than this....

Before I start I need to say that this is my life, and it is real. As crazy and stupid and mixed up dramatic as it seems, I dont want it to be any different becuase if it werent for the people and the heart break and the girl meets girl drama, I wouldnt have a story to tell or the friends that I have. Im smiling, Im laughing, and Im loving my life and every detail in it.
I am officially a horrible person. Now one may think that this RA basketball captain SGA president girl couldn’t truly have a mean bone in her body but it’s there. I think it is what is hiding under the shattered cynical pieces of my not so whole heart. Some days I feel like the Grinch and Im just waiting to get the part where my heart grows three sizes and bust threw the simplistic x-ray machine that Dr. Seuss created and then there’s the other side of me that thinks that if my heart grows more then it will just break more and the bigger the heart the bigger and harder the puzzle is put back together again.
So back to my being a horrible person. Why am I so horrible, because one of my friends who I have the hugest crush on but can never seem to get her to stick around, just broke up with the boy she chose over me. And I am horrible because I couldn’t be happier. I know she is hurting and she is trying really hard to be this hardass stubborn girl that I know and dare say love but she is hurting. He wrecked her and ruined her faith in love and people for that fact. And now Im sitting here, writing this, staring at my phone thinking maybe she will pick me this time. When she is ready maybe this time I will be worth it, worth the risk. But now I am her. Stuck between this crazy beautiful girl with a stubborn, devious personality, and this boy who is the only boy I’d ever marry. S has been the world to me. We have spent this past week together and Im not quite sure what it all means. He won’t commit to anything but it’s no secret that he and I are this cute fight like we are already married couple who just is. We seem to be everything every other couple has without the label that can seemingly ruin a relationship.
Oh, forgot to mention TB, dumped me, left me complete broken crying at quarter of one to M while S made the twenty minute drive in nine minutes to be with me and make me feel better. So back to S, he’s amazing. And we both enjoy each other’s company. Even B thinks we are cute together. And then there’s this girl. And by now you probably have guessed that this girl, is KC. Yes world, ssshhheee’ssss back. I wasn’t expecting it. I haven’t heard from her in ages and well I had kind of gotten use to her absence, which doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried to contact her cause I definitely did. But out of the blue she texted me. We have been talking all weekend and then today tells me she broke up with the boy that she picked over me, while reminding me that being a helpless romantic wasn’t going to help me win the who is a bigger hard ass me or her contest we now have going. KC is stubborn, obnoxious, devious, challenging, cocky, caring, and hard on the outside warm and fuzzy on the inside. That feeling of maybe she is the girl from me is almost equal to the feeling that I am suppose to ride into the sunset with S. So what do I do, who do I pick.  
I dont have an asnwer at the moment but I do know this.... I like the fact that for the last few days I have done nothing but smile.

Shot twenty: A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks- Charles Gordy

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Monday, February 14, 2011

Fuck you and your blue eyes. Fuck you and your smile. Fuck you and your touch. Fuck you and the butterflies you give me. Fuck you for hurting me. Now make it stop and come back to me

Saturday, February 12, 2011


So this semester has had its highs and lows. C and I are done, and this time it wasnt cause she was walking away. I walked away from her. I said I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt be everything to everyone and have nothing for myself. Thats how I started the semester. Feeling like anything I chose to do for myself would inevitably make my life hell with my friends. The recent thing putting a smile on my face is my girlfriend. What I didnt know is that picking her would lead to me losing the person I cared about most. I get defensive when I feel like I have to pick between being happy and being everything to everyone else. And trust me, ask those who have made me choose and they will tell you that they lost. I am the type of person that feels like I have given everything I have to everyone else, so the one time I take everyones advice and do something for me and it blows up in my face makes me feel angered. I respond to peoples actions, you give me attitude and Ill give it right back. Just ask my parents. Recently, my wife and I have done nothing but fight. Usually we fight about the ducks, stainless steal, and the horrible ex's (or ex interests) in our lives, mostly mine becuase I keep them around. She asked me not to talk about my girlfriend with her when we first started dating, so when TB came to see me and she heard it from another source, she flipped on me. She wouldnt really talk to me and she wouldnt answer her phone and by the time she did i was so irritated it didnt matter. I felt like she was making me pick, it was TB or her. Normally I would pick her anyday of the week, and I have, over and over again. So many people told me she is just a stupid freshmen, that she doesnt understand, and that she is too up in my shit, and my normal responce has been to tell them to fuck off. The world of bay path college has that we were dating or at least fucking, and well little did they know that the only thing her and I were doing was planning out my dream kitchen.

Yet I havent found the right words to explain to her that I am truely happy. I dont feel like I owe TB anything or have to live up to her standard. She makes me feel loved in a way that K couldnt. K loves me as her wife which translates to best friend that we can live together forever if we dont find that perfect relationship. TB is the other part of that puzzle. K thinks that I am going to leave her and she keeps giving me reason to runaway but honestly she can push as hard as she want and im not going anywhere, i just wish she believed me. I know her friends dont get it, and think that Im not putting an effort into it but what they dont get and I hate to say this but because they are freshmen, they havent figured it all out. Wait till next year when they all live in seperate places and with different people. It becomes hard to balance your friends, and when your group of friends divide and your stuck in the middle where do you go, and on top of all of that you are playing superwoman to a mall all womens college and being everything to everyone. Thats when coming over at 1:00 am isnt so crazy. I havent seen K in ages and it sucks. I miss her. I miss us just laying there watching the nanny and her picking on me for my endless laughter at fran and niles, but Im scared to see her. I dont want to hurt her by being all glowy and gushy over TB.

I know she has my back and wouldnt leave me but in the past few weeks I have felt abandoned by her, and that for the first time I couldnt tell my best friend everything. And that feeling needs to go away. This all needs to change, but I dont know how to get us back without us both being defensive and hurt.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

hearts and arrows

"my heart is in my hands
my head is in the clouds
my feet have left the ground
my life is turning around and round
and every voice inside my head is tellin' me to run like mad
oh bows and arrows
stars and sunset hey hey hey yeah hey hey hey yeah
every heartbeat every kiss just
makes me wonder what all this is
suits of armor, hearts and arrows hey hey hey yeah"

 And running like mad seems to be exactly what I am doing. I'm really happy with TB, really happy with her and just when things seem to be going in my favor everything falls apart. This past week I have been miserable. Id like to chalk it up to being a hormonal female but I feel like that isnt an option for me. I feel like Im taking that good thing in my life and putting it to the test. Can she deal with this? Can she handle me? Can she deal with the distance? Better question, can I? I thought I could, I mean Ive done it before with relationships in Albany and Portland and Ive never felt like this. Ive never missed someone this much, or felt so much anger at a mere three hours. Maybe this is how it is suppose to feel when you are being true to yourself and following your heart. My recent debate: I want to feel wanted and sometime I feel like Im just a bother to TB than someone she actually wants to be with. Now I know (after last nights conversation) that this isnt true but it still sucks and I know that just like the song, my head is telling me to run like mad but with every heart beat every kiss just makes me wonder what all this is. And right now this is like the snow, its going to stick around for awhile.  

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

fears and tears

I dont cry. Correction: I cry on two occations, the first being whenever I am in physical pain and the second being during whatever sappy tv show i am watching. Its usually that tv show that triggers every other emotion that I have kept all bottled up.

During my crying stint tonight (thank you Dawsons season 4) I have come to a few conclusions.

E- You are the best and the worst of me. I use to say that my true love and my best friend were one in the same and now I think that my best friend is just that my best friend. True love aside whether that is true or not you are one of my best friends and I love you. And that is scary and terrifying and almost life changing except you no long hold my entire heart and for that i am not sorry.

KC- I wish I knew how to quit you. Except that long blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and thousand watt smile bring right back to where you have part of my heart that completely ruins me. You my dear have completely ruined me. I want to stand in front of you and tell you that you have to pick. You have to pick, you either get me the girl who fell for everything about you or the girl that turns around and walks away, because I cant be both. But the thing is you cant have me. Its too late. Im gone.

TB- In one short week you have become my world. I go to sleep thinking about you, I wake up thinking about you, and everything in between. I can be myself around you, curse words and burping included. But the truth is I miss you. More than i have ever missed anyone. I miss talking to you for hours and hours about random shit, i miss falling asleep with your arms wrapped around me, I just miss you.  I am falling for you hard and faster than anyone else, and I think about a future with you and it seemest to be the only part about my life that doesnt scare me. Grad school scares me, graduating scares me, thinking about a future with you is the one thing that doesnt leave me terrified. But you have to understand something about you being so far away, i am going to miss you. I am going to have days where I just want my girlfriend, and there are going to be days that i just need some tender loving care. But you picked me and all my crazyness, and it suck knowing that when i hang up that phone with you tonight my eyes will once more tear up in fear that i might not be enough.