Running in the Rain

Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.


I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.


Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law.  It was great and it made me feel better.


Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.


<3 Me


Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....

Friends for a Lifetime

Friends... their hard to come by but when you find them, trust me never let them go. I have amazing friends. JT and L, are my "i wanna fix everything girls" who know me inside and out and still love me. We have enjoyed the cruz together, phase ten, and just three amazingly epic years together. I wouldnt trade them in for the world because they would never leave me high and dry and I will always be there for them. And then there is C. C is fun, crazy, and if you asked me freshman year if her and I would be friends my answer would have been no. But here we are in our senior year, and she gets me. She gets me without having to ask a million questions or need a million answers, she just gets it. She can hold me while I cry, snap me out of a freak out, and is just there for a lot of laughs. C tells me she will most likely run cause thats what she does and I just keep telling her that I can out run her and I really will. I dont want her to run away from being friends with me, and I will chase after her cause I have never had a bond with someone like this. As if my good friends couldnt get any better, I have K and J. I call K my wife, and we just clicked when we first met. She laughs with me, talks to me, and we just enjoy eachothers company. K is easy to talk to and I know I can tell her anything without hesitation. j is my basketball buddy, and we have a high school musical relationship. Im Vanessa and she is Troy and we are eachothers motivators. She makes me run and work hard and I do the same for her.


Shot Five: Friends are forever... no matter where you are.

wanted

So I am getting use to wanting what i cant haveand not wanting what I can have. I have fallen for enough people to konw what when they dont pick you it sucks. Ive always been like this, keeping a comfortable distance, not getting to close, and Ive come to realize that it is worth the risk. S is a guy that has become one of my best guy friends and when he and I talk its usually just the regular bull shit except if i were to be with a guy he would be it, and I would seriously do anything for that boy. I just wish he wanted me like that too... That seems to be the sagga of my life cause well I wanted E she didnt want me, I wanted S and he didnt want me, and then/now I want KC and she doenst want me. Except this time, it doesnt really bug me as much as it use to. I like the no stress of a relationship and the ability to be me... whoever that might be. Thats my goal... Figure out who I am and what I want no matter what it takes or how long....


<3 Me


Shot Four: Marco........ Polo?

Love like Crazy

So today my friends got married, and yes I cried. I cried last night when I called her, I cried this morning in the shower and then again when we were at the wedding. I did a reading in the wedding. I got to read winnie the pooh, and it was amazing. The whole thing was beautiful. She was beautiful.


Now Im back at school and back to the real world. I miss E. I dont want to miss her, but I do. I miss her being in my life, I miss her arms around me, I miss her touch. I know I cant have her back and I dont even know if I could handle having her back in my life. I wish I could just lay with her and have everything feel normal again. When I close my eyes I can see what we used to have. How it felt both physically and emotionally. I imagine thats how its suppose to be when you find someone you truely want to be with. But for right now Im searching for that feeling, that feeling of safety, security, and happiness.


<3 Me


Shot Three: I want to live to be 100 minus a day so I dont have to live without you, whoever you is.

Dear Heart, My bad

Dear Heart,
Im sorry. No but really this time, Im actually sorry for the idotic things I have put you through. I tend not to really care how mashed up messed up or crushed you get in the process of me falling for a girl and guess this time i feel like i should just warn you before that happens. No I havent fallen for anyone...yet. My plan, just so you know is to have fun and enjoy senior year... no strings attached. (cause that worked so well for me last time) I'm still working on getting over E and right now Im going to sit on the sidelines and let you tend to your wounds because they are deeper than either of us could have imagined. However, I feel like I should warn you that there is this girl... and your probably thinking here we go again, but no, its different. She's the girl I cant have. Ive played ball against her(KC), meet her, danced with her, texted and flirted with her, and almost fallen for her, and then well she vanishes. KC is tall, funny, georgous, and we have a lot in common, except I cant keep her from vanishing on me every time things get good. I know she isnt ready for anything, and honestly Im sticking with the I just want to have fun. But dont worry heart, she already vanished on me so I wont be getting more attached to her than I already have. I'd like to promise you that I wont carelessly throw you to the wolves of lesbian drama here but Im trying hard to keep you in one piece... at least for now. 


Best of Luck! 
<3 me


P.s. Investing in BandAides might not be a bad idea.   


Shot Two: Some girls should come with their own first aide kits

Back to Basics

First of all, its time to get back to basics and the true point of having this blog. The point of this blog was to document all the crazynesss and epic moments that truely consume my life. On that note, my life and I need to have a heart to heart about my life. So here it goes... cliff notes version...

Come to school, date girl, fall in love, break her heart for new girl. Love her, fuck it up, move on to high school crush. Fuck without feeling, ruin a friendship with MM, and then end it all. Date maine girl, break her heart, lose myself, and now spend the rest of my senior year fixing my life. And repeat. Seems to be the story of my life, except this year I am making it different. I want to fix things with MM, seeing as I royally fucked that up by putting E before her when she needed me. I have told MM this and we are trying to fix things, and honestly Im not asking for things to be perfect and back to the way they were, I just want my life to be more normal. And what is normal... well i have no flipping idea but its got to be better than this. Currently life is good, surprisingly good. Odd I know. I told E that I am done fighting for her that if she wants me she can fight for me, JT, L, and I are back to being the besties that we once were, and I'm actually loving basketball for the first time in 7 years.

I love my floor of residents, and they certainly keep me busy and laughing. For example, last nights epic visit of shnozberries and herpies... no i have no clue what this was about and why it happened but it just did, and well it was pretty damn funny. I have also come to the conclusion that keeping people in my blog straight is going to be pretty hard cause well they all have the same initails, so Im pretty much going to make this up as I go.


Shot one: Smile! It gets better

<3 me

life is good...

So it might be a surprise to read but life is good. Like really good. Ive got good friends, great teammates, and I couldnt ask for more. I would be lost without JT, L, C, K, B, M, T, and J. I really would be lost without them and I couldnt have asked for better friends.