Saturday, October 30, 2010


Flashbacks. Its like a movie in flicks. Just pieces. His face. The sound. The panic caught in my chest. Its been awhile and through the years I have eliminated the triggers of these dreaded things. Ive eliminated all but two triggers... when people move away while im sleeping curled up with them and whenever someone grabs my arm. Last night was no exception, from the moment S's arm moved from holding me in my comfortable little spoon position it started. First just black and white. Running. Praying the key would work. Hiding in the corner of my room. And again, except different. The next movement he made subconciously pulling me closer only to role over sent me spinning into another. This time more flicks than anything else. white knuckles. silent tears. counting backwards. It was all there, it all felt so real, yet this time I was safe, protected, nothing was going to happen to me. These flashback take control and it may only be for a few seconds but in that moment I am paralized until my eyes snap open and i can see the familiar walls of my dorm.

Friday, October 29, 2010


I have come to the conclusion that being happy is better than being sad and smiling is easier than frowning

Thursday, October 28, 2010

my apology....

Im sorry. I wasnt there and I should have been. I knew. I knew you were falling apart and I wasnt there. I didnt catch you, kinda like every time you didnt catch me, although Im sitting here holding back the tears trying not to let you see that I just want nothing more than to hold you and cry with you. All I want to do is hold you while you cry and make things better and I know I cant. I cant shake the feeling of I knew and I did nothing. I knew something was wrong and i brushed it off. For the first time I didnt go running, until you said those words. And after all the angry words we once said and the feelings we once had or still have none of it mattered. I still run to you. I will always run to you. I will always be here. I love you. So tomorrow I will write a letter to you, cry in T's arms, and hold my breathe until i see you again on saturday....

morning sunshine

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Have you ever just wanted to scream at the people in your life, "pick me, choose me, love me!" Right now i feel like Im in a room, screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up, nevermind listening. I tell my friends that i love them all the time cause i truely believe that if you dont say it than they wont know and I always want my friends to know that at the end of the day no matter what i will always love them. however in terms of people i have dated I have only told four people that i l word them. No Im not talking about lesbian, Im talking actually saying I love you. I pride myself on my ability to count the number of girls on one hand.

I told E that and she will never let me forget it. She looked at me one night and said "do you really love me". And well yes I really love her. I will always love her and could never leave her alone in the world, but Ive also gotten to the point where i have a quote for everything and everyone. Now I have more than one quote for but the ones that stick out the most are "Someimes I might hate you but I will always love you" and "I want to give up on you, but I'm afraid no one else loves you like I did, and I love you too much to leave you alone like that, no matter how much you deserve it." And I am totally scared that no one loves her like I do, and I want nothing more than for her to love me back but I have come to terms with the fact that she never will love me like i love her. 

Next on the list of girls who never picked me but in my opinion should have picked me is KC. I dont understand that girl and I dont know if I ever will. As much as I would really like to be like fuck you to her I cant. I cant walk away. But the quote I would want to say to her is really long but here it is anyway. After all of this all I can hear are those meaningless cliches about having your heart ripped out of your chest. I should have known, I should've seen it coming straight at me like a speeding car but I didn't and I got hit hard and you (the driver) backed up only to make sure I wouldn't move again before speeding off. I should've seen it but i was blinded by the color of your eyes every time they met mine. call me a sucker, call me a loser, call me a creep call me anything! just don't ignore me anymore. i should have listened to the voices telling me to stay away but i shrugged them off because all i could hear were your words that are now so useless, i ignored the voices in my head warning me about you for your thousand watt smile, perfectly colored hair and cute little button nose. now i cant even look at you it hurts like ripping out a tooth unmedicated. i don't want to hear your soft sweet voice anymore, i don't want to see your unforgettable eyes again so take your beautiful face and go away but before you do can i please have my heart back? and can you take out the knife? because i don't want it (or you)." And if she were to show back up in my life and know exactly what i would do. I would go all googoo gaga and dopey smile and all fall head over heals again for that girl.

And lastly theres T. Oh god T. I wish i could explain to her every thought and idea and imaginary thing in my head but not only would she probably not want to hear it I probably wouldnt have the proper words to say. T makes me feel safer than I have felt in a long time. I can be 100% vulnerable with her and not feel like I need to have an escape route or back up plan. I appreciate her for everything she's done for me, everyhug, every smile, everytime she's said I've got you girlie. But here's the thing, T is my exception. I told her at the beginning of the year, dont date bay path girls unless your willing to risk it all, and well Im pretty sure that she is my exception. Now I know she is reading this and I dont know what she will be thinking but I cant imagine my life without her in it and I cant believe how blessed I am that she stuck around knowing she was my exception.

And for C, K, J, JT, L, B, and M- "I was alone, angry and weird... until I met a group of people that didn't mind that I was alone angry and weird. They even loved me for it. So, I can't replace them and I can't imagine my life without them" and with out these girls I would be totally lost in the world. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Im so glad that I have had the chance to become such good friends with C. Her and I are so close I promise that her and I will be friends till we are old and senile, and then every day we will be new friends but we will still be best friends. K is the best wife... quack quack. Win! And the rest of the girls know how much i truely love and care about them. I wouldnt be me with out them. 

So at the end of it all Im one lucky girl and as pissed at the world as I am I know that I am truely blessed to have love and lost, laughed and cried, gotten drunk and been the DD, and at the end of the day when the world is falling from under me I have so many hands reaching out to catch me while I fall. I am truely blessed. 

<3 Sam

Saturday, October 23, 2010


Well tails won. Im walking away. Im not just walking away from KC, Im walking away from everything. Im walking away from finding someone, investing in someone, opening my heart to someone just to learn that its all games and I will never be good enough.

Right now I wish I was invisible. Im blasting my music so I dont have to hear myself think so I dont have to doubt myself but no matter how loud it is I cant stop thinking. Just when i thought things were good and going to be okay and I was okay, this seems to be that this is the last straw, the last blow to the wall i have rebuilt for myself, like going back to the I'd rather feel nothing attitude is the only option. And at this moment, I'd rather feel nothing.

thanks life

Dear Life.
Cut the shit! Stop letting me fall for her and then have her disappear. Just stop. What I want is her -- but there's no sense in arguing that point since she seems so determined to refute it. Im going to flip a coin... heads I stay with it... tail, I walk. Who am I kidding.... I should just use a double sided coin cause Im always going to stick around.

thanks life... for nada!

Friday, October 22, 2010


What the Fuck!!!! Why cant I keep this girl around? Why cant for once, just once, she stick around long enough for me to show her that I am worth it. I am worth hanging around for. KC gives me bubbles, giddy smiles, and makes me do that dork smile that no one has seen in a while. So now what? What do you do when you are falling for someone who doesnt stick around long enough for you to enjoy their company. Everything seemed perfect with KC. I saw her last night and it was worth it, ever minute of freezing my ass off at the game was worth it. Especially for those hugs. Maybe my card and flower were over kill. maybe she is just bailing again. or maybe just maybe she is just busy with life and Im over thinking things. I dont know. I do know i get to see her again on saturday, and hopefully she will hug me and Ill go back to cloud nine.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


If things in the blog havent been making sense I apologize. I have been on a emotional rollarcoaster of highs and lows this week and spent most of my time laying in bed trying hard not to fall apart. K and C have been trying really hard to get me to cry and i wont do it. I cant set my self up to be vulnerable. I dont want to be broken any more. C has been trying to get me to talk about it because she knows me and she knows that bottling shit up isnt going to be good but there was no chance in hell I was going to talk anything through this weekend. This weekend I just needed space.

Now you might be asking what happened and now that it has been released by the press and offically hit facebook I feel as though anything I say now wont hurt. On friday my mom called to inform me that my high school basketball coach was being indited for rape. Yes you read that right. RAPE! nine years after the alledged incident happened this girl is now pressing charges. Now Im all for standing up and admitting that this happened to you but I just dont believe it. I know my coach both on and off the floor. He is a good man, a good father, and a good role model. It just doesnt make sense. It makes me angry. Angry at him, angry at her. I just dont know exactly what to do. I know I support my coach, I have to. He supported us for all those years and never asked for anything in return. Coach always knew when I was upset and there were many times where I felt like he knew that I wasnt as perfect as the picture I painted for everyone. Almost like he saw me when I felt lost and broke. Now dont get me wrong, he and I fought like cats and dogs most days and there was one day for sure that he sent me home from a game in tears and I swore i wouldnt speak to him. That lasted a practice untill he made me smile and apologized. At the end of a five year love hate relationship, I left that gym feeling exactly how I felt coming in. I accomplished something, I played JV when I was in eighth grade and I was more than just someone on the bench when I played varsity. All I wanted to do was play for coach and having the chance to play for him for five years was an adventure that I wouldnt trade for the world.

And now he is in a lot of trouble and I dont know what to do. I was angry and sad, now Im just lost and confused. There has been an overwhelming amount of support for him on facebook but the news media is ripping him a new one. This has consumed every free minute of my brain since friday. Every free throw, suicide drill, and anything else basketball related all I could think about was him. By the end of the weekend I was questioning everything and it wasnt until monday that I realized that I didnt need to over analyze it I knew how I felt. So right now there is nothing I can do but hope that everything ends in his favor and that its all a bunch of bullshit. And if he is convicted I dont know what I will do or how Ill react but I will conquer that bridge when I get there.

you make me smile

One word......

and Im all smiles

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


"If you'll not settle for anything less than your best, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in your lives.” you always taught me the most important things in life and told me to never give up... you always said "LET'S WIN TOGETHER."

well damnit... let's win.

<3GC always been a hero to me & my support ---- and you'll never be anything less

Sunday, October 17, 2010

turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I cant do this anymore. Im not asking for a lot, I just want things to be okay and well right now they arent okay. Id say that it is what it is but its not. i dont know how to explain how i feel or why i feel this way i just do. I want everything to be okay but its not okay. KC is pulling her usual disappearing act, JT's engagement party went off without a hitch and it was amazing to see how in love her and A are, shit hit the fan at home and I dont even feel like I should care about it but i do. I have all these emotions and i dont even know how to process them. E and I have been chatting and things are kinda okay, and basketball has started and I cant move. Im so sore. But a good sore, like working my ass off and feeling good sore. And in the mist of all this I was finally able to look at C and say that even though i feel like everything if falling from under me i know im okay and I can say Im okay becuase for the first time in a while I was upset and I didnt feel the need to slice and dice as I like to call it. 
I remember last summer watching an episode of the L word and Shane says that she feels like everyone wants something from me and I have nothing left to give, and well thats me. I feel like I have given everything I have to everything else and there is never time for me and at the end of it all i know my friends always tell me to take time for me and to just say no, but i never seem to be able to. For the first time in years I have something stable: I have K, J, T, C, L, and JT and even as it comes crashing down Im still standing and they are still there and its an amazing feeling.      
Shot fifteen: breaking down doesnt mean breaking even

Thursday, October 14, 2010

shot 14

Shot Fourteen:
You grieve you learn, you choke you learn
You laugh you learn, you choose you learn
You pray you learn, you ask you learn
You live you learn

soundtrack to my life....

  1. Perfect- Doria Roberts
  2. I hate everything about you- Three Days Grace
  3. 32 Flavors- ani Difranco
  4. Pray for you- Jared and the long road to love
  5. Not Afraid- Eminem
  6. Didnt you know how much I loved you- Kellie Pickler
  7. This is war- 30 seconds to mars
  8. For good- Wicked
  9. Lover, Lover- Jerrad Niemann
  10. Undo it- Carrie Underwood
  11. You live you Learn- Alanis Morisette

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

piece by piece

So getting sick was a bad idea, really bad idea. As it turns out most of my weekend was just one bad idea. Where to start.... ummmm yeah. So I feel like shit both physically and emotionally. Physically Ive managed to catch a cold from hell, and this was the weekend that I couldnt afford to feel like shit. Friday and Saturday were fine and then on Sunday I was dead to the world. I saw E this weekend. That would be the bad idea number 1, or was it. I dont know, I feel like Im not thinking for myself becuase Im trying to listen to everyone elses opinions about her. I know my friends dont like her becuase of all the shitty things that she has done and the way she makes me feel. But all the same it comes down to this: I love her and I will always love her, and she is trying. She is trying to be there more than she ever has before and maybe thats a sign that things are changing and there is a chance that she might actually pick me over anything else. Now I know everyone is thinking that this is a waste of my time that she will never pick me and that at the end of it all Ill end up with exactly what i have now, a broken heart. Heres the thing, part of me says i dont care, and the other part of me says that listening to everyone else might not be a bad idea this time. Ive always done things alone and never really let anyone in and as much as my friends know me and many of them get the no filter Sam, E has seen something else. She has seen me with my gaurd down, 100% vulnerable, angry, happy, sad, crying, screaming, everything. She may not be able to give me 100% but having her rub my back on friday was all I needed to feel like she loved me. Do I know what will happen... no, can I even predict what will happen... not a chance, but what will my decision be, who knows. Im just trying to figure it all out, piece by piece.

Shot Thirteen: Piece by piece... bit by bit.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


Some of us are just trying to get through the day without breaking something

the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Trial and Error

KC makes my anxiety increase. Not because she has done anything bad but because she always leaves. She gives me this dorky retarded look on my face but at the end of the day i know she will leave. So the elephant is back and its annoying. Why it that this happens? I know this time I have a reason but previously I didn't. Now most would say eliminate the anxiety cause, well I cant. I cant eliminate KC because she makes me do the giddy school girl thing that I haven't done since I was in middle school and I want her to be there. I want her to be apart of my life and to be more to me than just someone I see when we compete against each other. She is always on my mind, maybe not in the front of it or right there, but in the back corner, there's always KC. Always making me think maybe I should text her, even if its just a "Hey, I hope you are having a good day" or "good luck in your game." KC and I haven't spoken since Monday night and out of the blue she texted me today. Just like back in may..."Hey Sam". This thing is I was on a break from my class in the dungeon and so I could have a full convo with her and now I'm sitting in class wondering if she'll be there when I get out....

Well I'm out of class now and I'm still talking to her... she told me she "missed me". My instincts say question everything. I mean what gives, after everything we talked about, she misses me. How do you miss me if you just want to be friends and don't want anything else. Its not like she has made some dramatic effort to talk to me and I haven't really been there. Every time this happens I end up the one sitting here hoping to hear from her, hoping that this time she wont bail, wont disappear, and will want to be something somehow with me, and each time I never get that. I get this illusion that it might just work and then poof, its like haha wishful thinking. Is it stupid to think it will be different this time? or ever? Am I setting myself up to get hurt and be disappointed again? I wish there was a way to know all the answers cause trial and error is getting old.

Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change
Shot Twelve: Just hang on....

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

kick this

And the kicker lines up and... Kicks my day to shit. Fuck it

Shot Eleven: Invest in new play writer...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Anxiety... you suck...

Dearest anxiety,
Please go away. I hate you, and you never come when I think I should be anxious. You just show up and then you dont go away. I dont know how to fix you, why you happen, or how to make you stop, I just know that I feel like you are sitting on my chest and telling me that breathing is over rated. So please take your elephant sized ass off my chest and move on...

Struggling to breathe,

Monday, October 4, 2010


Waiting on a chance, for love or hate, right now it seems to be more like hate then it will ever be love because i can just sit here and wait or turn and run.... 

Shot ten: heads or tales?


So last night I finally lost it, and as C would say that implies that I once had it all together. But I really lost it. It was time to run for basketball and again T was late. J and I went to her room where we found her passed out cold, after we saw her I told her to go back to bed and that I wasnt going to make her run, and J and I left her standing there in the hall. As we were walking down the stairs I lost control of all of my emotions. I just started to cry and I think that it probably freaked J out a little bit. I just kept saying to her that I quit, game over, I cant do this anymore. I cant keep wanting something so bad and have no one else want it as much as I do. By the time I got back from the run, met with B, and then came back to my dorm room and actually said the dreaded words... we need to talk. T came over and she just looked at me and said lets have it... and I flipped. I told her I was pissed off, I was so angry at her, and over sleeping wasnt an answer. I get the over sleeping stuff, shit happens, its a mistake but this is it for me. I dont have a next year or another chance at this and for the first time in four yaer basketball is actually meaning more to me than it ever has before. There are so many people in this world/community that dont want us to succeed, we will play in gyms that are freezing cold and turn our lips blue, we dont have a home court, and somedays we even get locked out of our own gym. But heres the thing aobut this team: we have eachother. We have to, and if we are fighting eachother we will lose everything else. We have talent this year, we have a chance, new team, new coach, new dream, but I need everyone. I need her. I need T to be there. I told her I wont beg her to play and that it sucks that as a freshman there was a lot of pressure on her and J. She is good, really good. She has a lot of talent and I can see the passion and love she has for this game in her eyes everytime she gets the ball. Its all there, but I need her to be there, not just for me but for our team. I dont beg, I wont get down on my hands and knees and beg her to play, but if she wants to do this she needs to be there. I also told her that one day she would have a freshman just like this and she would be having this conversation and she will remember me. Im not trying to be bitchy to her I just want her to understand that this is my life and basketball and I have a really rough relationship but for once I know after this year I know I am going to miss this... even the running part.

Risk nothing gain nothing... take me or leave me, this is me and most days I might just be a hot mess, but I love passionatly, care too much, and put everyone before me, and most days I wouldnt have it any other way and yesterday that was clear. Honesty will work, i hope.

here to waiting 24 hrs...

Shot Nine: Risk nothing, gain nothing...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

White Flag...

Today I was pissed! Like really pissed off and it was only 9:30 am, and as I was sitting in traffic with J and some of the basketball girls fuming and my anger wasnt well hidden. T asked me what was wrong and I said nothing which was a bullfaced lie. Why was I mad... I was mad that they were late which made J and I late, I was mad that things with E werent going well even though I was trying to set her free, I was confused by why I hadnt heard from KC all day yesterday, and I was angry that T wasnt trying to fix anything. She was late, again. This time they were both late, both over slept...again. If we are late, we run. Im sick of saying oh next time, or oh well thats okay make sure it doesnt happen again, this was it. Except I know it wasnt it, cause as much I told J that Im sick of the Im sorry's, I know that all I needed was a hug from her and that was the end. T's hugs are my life savers. Her hugs make everything right in the world and bring a sence of calm into my choas. I asked her for a hug and she gave me three and then all my anger vanished. I feel bad that I took my anger out on her and I needed to apologized to her for that. We talked out the other things to, and I decided not to wave my white flag in avoidance of the good things in my life.    

I use to tell everyone that I was waving a white flag. I quit girls, moved on, wasnt going to do anything or anyone for that fact. And I have. Im doing me. Finding me, loving me, and being the real me. It doesnt mean for one second that wishful thinking doesnt come into play. And as I told my heart before, theres this girl. KC- and she vanishes and comes back and I want to keep her apart of my life, and we both just want cuddle buddies (which is nice). But this girl is crazy beautiful, attractively stubborn, and has a smile that could light up a room. I dont know where it could go and Im dragging my heals to find out because Im still working on making my scars as invisable as i feel they should be. And seeing as she was drinking tonight Im sure she will look through her phone and disappear again, even though I dont want her too. Note to KC: Please dont disappear on me. I dont know how many more times I can do this.

"Every good thing that's happened in my life I've essentially managed to talk out of existence. I'm not gonna do that this time"

Shot Eight: Stop surrendering... 

Saturday, October 2, 2010

broken bridges...

As I have been writing this blog Ive begun to think about things from my past and things that are still there. I use to believe that everyone has scars and its just a matter of how well they hide them from the world because for years and years I was able to hide the fact that I was broken from everyone in the world, especially my family. And there are days where I still look at the sad quotes and words that consumed my life. My feelings before seemed to be all wrapped up in this quote.. "I don't feel loved. I go through each day and I don't think anybody loves me. And I know it's pathetic but it's the way I feel and I'm too young to feel this way." And for the longest time this is exactly how I felt. I didnt feel like anyone loved me or cared enough to be there and sometimes there are days were I still feel this way and then I look at my phone and I remember. I remember the good morning texts I send to my friends, and the amount of love I feel when I hear back from them. It is then that I remember that my friends have always been there and I have been blessed enough to find friends in college that dont disappear. "Maybe that's what I'm starting to realize. The pain is temporary, but the connections we make, they last forever and change our lives in ways we're not even aware of yet" and that is exactly what Im starting to realize. I will always have my friends and that is better than any security blanket.

My message to E: "You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get. If there's one thing I've learned from losing Jen, that's what I've learned. I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. But I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook." And thats it... she's off the hook. I dont want her to be the night in shining armor, the light at the end of the tunnel, nothing. She's off the hook. If you love something set it free if it comes back its yours, well E, our timing has never been right and we might not have been exactly what the other needed but it doesnt change what we had, and what we had was more then I could have imagined happening years ago. And after everything I owe you a thank you. Thank you for being there, loving me in your own way, holding me when i was upset, and being my hand to hold. But this thank you doesnt mean that I dont wish you would pick me, choose me, love me. Youre off the hook, but if you turn around Ill still be here silently hoping you still love me like I will always love you.  

Shot Seven: Simply put, not easily stated, I love you