blessed

Have you ever just wanted to scream at the people in your life, "pick me, choose me, love me!" Right now i feel like Im in a room, screaming at the top of my lungs and nobody even looks up, nevermind listening. I tell my friends that i love them all the time cause i truely believe that if you dont say it than they wont know and I always want my friends to know that at the end of the day no matter what i will always love them. however in terms of people i have dated I have only told four people that i l word them. No Im not talking about lesbian, Im talking actually saying I love you. I pride myself on my ability to count the number of girls on one hand.


I told E that and she will never let me forget it. She looked at me one night and said "do you really love me". And well yes I really love her. I will always love her and could never leave her alone in the world, but Ive also gotten to the point where i have a quote for everything and everyone. Now I have more than one quote for but the ones that stick out the most are "Someimes I might hate you but I will always love you" and "I want to give up on you, but I'm afraid no one else loves you like I did, and I love you too much to leave you alone like that, no matter how much you deserve it." And I am totally scared that no one loves her like I do, and I want nothing more than for her to love me back but I have come to terms with the fact that she never will love me like i love her. 


Next on the list of girls who never picked me but in my opinion should have picked me is KC. I dont understand that girl and I dont know if I ever will. As much as I would really like to be like fuck you to her I cant. I cant walk away. But the quote I would want to say to her is really long but here it is anyway. After all of this all I can hear are those meaningless cliches about having your heart ripped out of your chest. I should have known, I should've seen it coming straight at me like a speeding car but I didn't and I got hit hard and you (the driver) backed up only to make sure I wouldn't move again before speeding off. I should've seen it but i was blinded by the color of your eyes every time they met mine. call me a sucker, call me a loser, call me a creep call me anything! just don't ignore me anymore. i should have listened to the voices telling me to stay away but i shrugged them off because all i could hear were your words that are now so useless, i ignored the voices in my head warning me about you for your thousand watt smile, perfectly colored hair and cute little button nose. now i cant even look at you it hurts like ripping out a tooth unmedicated. i don't want to hear your soft sweet voice anymore, i don't want to see your unforgettable eyes again so take your beautiful face and go away but before you do can i please have my heart back? and can you take out the knife? because i don't want it (or you)." And if she were to show back up in my life and know exactly what i would do. I would go all googoo gaga and dopey smile and all fall head over heals again for that girl.


And lastly theres T. Oh god T. I wish i could explain to her every thought and idea and imaginary thing in my head but not only would she probably not want to hear it I probably wouldnt have the proper words to say. T makes me feel safer than I have felt in a long time. I can be 100% vulnerable with her and not feel like I need to have an escape route or back up plan. I appreciate her for everything she's done for me, everyhug, every smile, everytime she's said I've got you girlie. But here's the thing, T is my exception. I told her at the beginning of the year, dont date bay path girls unless your willing to risk it all, and well Im pretty sure that she is my exception. Now I know she is reading this and I dont know what she will be thinking but I cant imagine my life without her in it and I cant believe how blessed I am that she stuck around knowing she was my exception.


And for C, K, J, JT, L, B, and M- "I was alone, angry and weird... until I met a group of people that didn't mind that I was alone angry and weird. They even loved me for it. So, I can't replace them and I can't imagine my life without them" and with out these girls I would be totally lost in the world. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. Im so glad that I have had the chance to become such good friends with C. Her and I are so close I promise that her and I will be friends till we are old and senile, and then every day we will be new friends but we will still be best friends. K is the best wife... quack quack. Win! And the rest of the girls know how much i truely love and care about them. I wouldnt be me with out them. 


So at the end of it all Im one lucky girl and as pissed at the world as I am I know that I am truely blessed to have love and lost, laughed and cried, gotten drunk and been the DD, and at the end of the day when the world is falling from under me I have so many hands reaching out to catch me while I fall. I am truely blessed. 


<3 Sam