Thursday, September 30, 2010

Running in the Rain

Today J and I went running in the rain. It was amazing. It was cool, wet, and it was the perfect setting to run. J asked my why I wanted to run in the rain and I said that way no one knows Im crying. And its not that I was actually crying but running reduces my anxiety and it always makes me feel better. I never use to like running and now I feel weird if I dont go running... and at this rate ill probably be running again.

I still miss E. She is trying to be back in my life and I really want her to be there. I want her fight for me and I know its probably wishful thinking that she will undoubtably be there but still I want her to be there. I texted her the other day and I told her that "Its frustrating becuase Im sick of crying over you and fighting with you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop." I wasnt even that upset, I just wanted her to be there. Her response was "what?" and when I said nothing she said it didnt sound like nothing. I told her that "I love you and I would do anything for you but Im sick of crying over you and fighting you, but now Im crying and you arent here to make me stop, and I hate that." I hate that I dont hate her, and that I want her to be here. My life is crazy busy and I dont really have much time but the idea that she wanted to give me the time of day that gives me this since of hope. K told me "youre not going to get her in the end, so quit while you are ahead. Dont date women." and she is right. I should quit while Im okay pulling away from her but at the same time I want to see her and talk to her.

Yesterday, I took a mental health day, and went home after class. I got to my house at 11:00 and didnt have anything to do until my eye doctors appt at 5:00. I was easily able to just sit on the couch and do nothing which was exactly what I needed. And to make it better there was an NCIS marathon on. I ended up eating a subway grinder and passing out on the couch for three hours instead of studying for real estate law.  It was great and it made me feel better.

Oh and p.s. KC is back. Sorry heart, I warned you. We are just friends, its the only way she said she wouldnt disappear. Neither of us want to be in relationships so things might actually work out this year. Who knew that would happen.

<3 Me

Shot Six: Rain is a good thing....

Monday, September 27, 2010

Friends for a Lifetime

Friends... their hard to come by but when you find them, trust me never let them go. I have amazing friends. JT and L, are my "i wanna fix everything girls" who know me inside and out and still love me. We have enjoyed the cruz together, phase ten, and just three amazingly epic years together. I wouldnt trade them in for the world because they would never leave me high and dry and I will always be there for them. And then there is C. C is fun, crazy, and if you asked me freshman year if her and I would be friends my answer would have been no. But here we are in our senior year, and she gets me. She gets me without having to ask a million questions or need a million answers, she just gets it. She can hold me while I cry, snap me out of a freak out, and is just there for a lot of laughs. C tells me she will most likely run cause thats what she does and I just keep telling her that I can out run her and I really will. I dont want her to run away from being friends with me, and I will chase after her cause I have never had a bond with someone like this. As if my good friends couldnt get any better, I have K and J. I call K my wife, and we just clicked when we first met. She laughs with me, talks to me, and we just enjoy eachothers company. K is easy to talk to and I know I can tell her anything without hesitation. j is my basketball buddy, and we have a high school musical relationship. Im Vanessa and she is Troy and we are eachothers motivators. She makes me run and work hard and I do the same for her.

Shot Five: Friends are forever... no matter where you are.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


So I am getting use to wanting what i cant haveand not wanting what I can have. I have fallen for enough people to konw what when they dont pick you it sucks. Ive always been like this, keeping a comfortable distance, not getting to close, and Ive come to realize that it is worth the risk. S is a guy that has become one of my best guy friends and when he and I talk its usually just the regular bull shit except if i were to be with a guy he would be it, and I would seriously do anything for that boy. I just wish he wanted me like that too... That seems to be the sagga of my life cause well I wanted E she didnt want me, I wanted S and he didnt want me, and then/now I want KC and she doenst want me. Except this time, it doesnt really bug me as much as it use to. I like the no stress of a relationship and the ability to be me... whoever that might be. Thats my goal... Figure out who I am and what I want no matter what it takes or how long....

<3 Me

Shot Four: Marco........ Polo?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Love like Crazy

So today my friends got married, and yes I cried. I cried last night when I called her, I cried this morning in the shower and then again when we were at the wedding. I did a reading in the wedding. I got to read winnie the pooh, and it was amazing. The whole thing was beautiful. She was beautiful.

Now Im back at school and back to the real world. I miss E. I dont want to miss her, but I do. I miss her being in my life, I miss her arms around me, I miss her touch. I know I cant have her back and I dont even know if I could handle having her back in my life. I wish I could just lay with her and have everything feel normal again. When I close my eyes I can see what we used to have. How it felt both physically and emotionally. I imagine thats how its suppose to be when you find someone you truely want to be with. But for right now Im searching for that feeling, that feeling of safety, security, and happiness.

<3 Me

Shot Three: I want to live to be 100 minus a day so I dont have to live without you, whoever you is.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dear Heart, My bad

Dear Heart,
Im sorry. No but really this time, Im actually sorry for the idotic things I have put you through. I tend not to really care how mashed up messed up or crushed you get in the process of me falling for a girl and guess this time i feel like i should just warn you before that happens. No I havent fallen for anyone...yet. My plan, just so you know is to have fun and enjoy senior year... no strings attached. (cause that worked so well for me last time) I'm still working on getting over E and right now Im going to sit on the sidelines and let you tend to your wounds because they are deeper than either of us could have imagined. However, I feel like I should warn you that there is this girl... and your probably thinking here we go again, but no, its different. She's the girl I cant have. Ive played ball against her(KC), meet her, danced with her, texted and flirted with her, and almost fallen for her, and then well she vanishes. KC is tall, funny, georgous, and we have a lot in common, except I cant keep her from vanishing on me every time things get good. I know she isnt ready for anything, and honestly Im sticking with the I just want to have fun. But dont worry heart, she already vanished on me so I wont be getting more attached to her than I already have. I'd like to promise you that I wont carelessly throw you to the wolves of lesbian drama here but Im trying hard to keep you in one piece... at least for now. 

Best of Luck! 
<3 me

P.s. Investing in BandAides might not be a bad idea.   

Shot Two: Some girls should come with their own first aide kits

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Back to Basics

First of all, its time to get back to basics and the true point of having this blog. The point of this blog was to document all the crazynesss and epic moments that truely consume my life. On that note, my life and I need to have a heart to heart about my life. So here it goes... cliff notes version...

Come to school, date girl, fall in love, break her heart for new girl. Love her, fuck it up, move on to high school crush. Fuck without feeling, ruin a friendship with MM, and then end it all. Date maine girl, break her heart, lose myself, and now spend the rest of my senior year fixing my life. And repeat. Seems to be the story of my life, except this year I am making it different. I want to fix things with MM, seeing as I royally fucked that up by putting E before her when she needed me. I have told MM this and we are trying to fix things, and honestly Im not asking for things to be perfect and back to the way they were, I just want my life to be more normal. And what is normal... well i have no flipping idea but its got to be better than this. Currently life is good, surprisingly good. Odd I know. I told E that I am done fighting for her that if she wants me she can fight for me, JT, L, and I are back to being the besties that we once were, and I'm actually loving basketball for the first time in 7 years.

I love my floor of residents, and they certainly keep me busy and laughing. For example, last nights epic visit of shnozberries and herpies... no i have no clue what this was about and why it happened but it just did, and well it was pretty damn funny. I have also come to the conclusion that keeping people in my blog straight is going to be pretty hard cause well they all have the same initails, so Im pretty much going to make this up as I go.

Shot one: Smile! It gets better

<3 me

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

life is good...

So it might be a surprise to read but life is good. Like really good. Ive got good friends, great teammates, and I couldnt ask for more. I would be lost without JT, L, C, K, B, M, T, and J. I really would be lost without them and I couldnt have asked for better friends.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

i think....

So, I finally said no to the one person that I have never been able to say no to. I walked away from her and for the first time I didnt feel like I was abandoning her. I didnt feel the need to go running back or make amends for something that I didnt think was my fault. And a week later I still dont. She texted me, asked me if I hated her, and well the truth is I could never hate her. She then asked if I strongly disliked her, and I said I havent decided yet. I didnt mean to be so cold, I just honestly didnt know what to say to her. She was/is i dont even know anymore. She was there, but only when it worked for her. She understood how i was feeling about things... kinda.

I was watching the movie ten things i hate about you and she was all i could think about. I hate the things she says and that she never lets me win at rummy, phase ten, or skipbo. I hate that she isnt there to hold me when i cry, and I hate the way she makes me laugh when Im sad. I hate that she knows me. I hate the way she lies. I hate the she wasnt there and I found someone that is. I hate that I want her to be there. And I hate that I dont hate her no matter how hard I try.

So I texted her last night...stupid i know. Really stupid actually. I just wanted to know if she missed me. If she actually missed me. And it turns out she didnt even know why I was mad at her. After talking via text message, nothing was figured out and surprisingly enough, I didnt feel anything. Do I miss her, yes. Do I need her, I dont know. I want her to want to be there, but I also want her to fight to be there. Its her turn to fight for me.

But if she isnt there, I'll survive.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

slip away

You asked me how many times I cried,
And the answer is too many
You wanted to know the fear I felt,
And I was scared always,
If I ever let go,
She'd drown on her own
And that was more than I could bare.
Would she wake,
Would she Breathe
Wiping away the tears from her cheek,
Her kiss so sweet
Her touch so soft,
But with every hit
And every shot
She slipped like sand through my fingers.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

im done

I wish i could say I was over it
That it didnt hurt to touch you
that listening to your voice didnt make me cry
but every time i decide to stay
all you do is lie...
Today I walked away
and you didnt shout my name,
you didnt ask me to stay,
as the world faded to grey.....
Questions with out answers
empty words,
erie sounds
as our love hit the ground.
Getting up, moving on
this is the end of our song
our good bye
its just sad it ended in a lie


There are certain people who are not meant to fit in your life, no matter how much you want them to.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Remember me

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it because you can't know. You can't ever really know the meaning of your life. And you don't need to. Just know that your life has a meaning... Every life has a meaning, whether it lasts one hundred years or one hundred seconds. Every life... And every death... changes the world in its own way. Ghandi knew this. He knew his life would mean something to someone, somewhere, somehow. And he knew with as much certainty that he could never know that meaning. He understood that enjoying life should be of much greater concern then understanding it. And so do I. You can't know. So don't take it for granted, but don't take it too seriously.Don't postpone what you want. Don't leave anything misunderstood. Make sure the people you care about know. Make sure they know how you really feel, because just like that... it could end.
-Remember Me

Friday, September 10, 2010


So this week has been seriously crazy. Ive been go go go all day everyday. Basketball preseason has begun and I am loving every minute of it. We have a lot of talent and its exciting to have a group of girls that truly want to play as a team. J is truly my motivator and always keeps me laughing. KB and I have been waiting for this for the last two years and we are laying everything out there. Risk nothing gain nothing right?
On a totally different note, I have truly realized that no matter what you never realize how much something means to you until its almost gone. Two girls that I was friends with got into a serious car accident, and in panic they called me. I don't know why but I really like knowing that they felt they could call me. Their okay now but the last thing I heard when they called was no you cant fall asleep. And that was scary, really scary. You can never really anticipate those kind of phone calls and I never thought I would be hearing something like that. I know it sounds crazy but it makes you appreciate what you have and how quickly it can be taken away. To add to the stress of my week, the anxiety I was feeling earlier in the week didn't go away till late Monday. And it might have just gone away because I was masking it with something else. My something else... i told a friend that i was feeling really anxious and that i just need her to come and chat and make me feel better, and well she couldn't do that. And it wasn't that she couldn't, she didn't want to because she wanted to go out and have a beer. To make matters worse yesterday she was all pissy with me cause I didn't want to go out. I believe I a reasonable excuse but she still treated me like shit. Now, I don't know how to tell her I am angry with her or how to tell her that I am not the teddy bear that she can kick around and then hold when she has a nightmare.
"Lately, nothing I do, ever seems to please you
And maybe, turning my back would be that much easier'
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away"

Monday, September 6, 2010


I'd like to say I was lost in the moment, if there was actually a moment. But today there was no moment, no moment of aha, no moment of happiness. The past 48 hours I have been really anxious and I dont know why. I wish I knew why, but at the moment I just want to cry and I cuddle or just feel something other than this stupid anxiety. For some reason no matter what I do I cant shake this feeling. I cant shake this feeling that I messed everything up.

learning to breathe

"That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies"

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Just Listen

Most people cant stand silence. Everyone is either texting, talking, listening to music, or watching a movie/t.v. No one ever listens to silence anymore. It doesnt matter if we are going in the car for three minutes of two hours, the music is blasting and our voices are singing along to the next big hit. Silence makes me think, I hate silence. silence is eary, creepy, and makes me over think everything in my life. Overanalyze is something I do offen, and I found myself doing it today and the only thing that keeps it from happening is the lack of silence. On the other hand I read a book once that focused on listening to the silence, to think, to feel without influence. Thats what I want to do:
Feel without influence, feel without regret, feel with hope
"You're nice."
"whats wrong with nice"
"It usually means you arent telling the truth"
~Just Listen

Music doesnt Lie

Music doesnt lie... but people do. Music can make any problem seem managable and when you feel like no one is there for you, music can be your bestfriend. Over the summer, music and my love for NCIS have become my life. There are too many songs on my ipod and each time I listen to a song I feel a little better about my life and whats going on in it. Whether a song makes you cry laugh or just smile its nice to know that theres something out there that can speak to you heart, and we all know that sometimes our hearts and our minds dont exactly agree on things, however I believe that music speaks to the mind and touches the heart. I wish this was always true and sometime it doesnt always work for me, but nine times out of ten i can find a song that makes everything in the world right again.

"Sometimes life's not fair, but if you hang in there
You're gonna see that sometimes bad is good
We just have to believe things work out like they should"

Theres things to be said about NCIS and its complete irrelivance for what i was just talking about but whenever i have a bad its either harry potter or NCIS is my dvd player that make me feel like Im going to survive. NCIS makes me laugh, whether it is a good gibbs slap, or a Dinozzo joke I am always able to find humor in the show. Not to mention I watch it enough that i can say most episodes word for word, which adds to the humor (at least for me).

"who ever said what you dont know wont hurt you, was a complete and total moron."

Friday, September 3, 2010


So I'm the girl who doesnt believe that things happen for a reason but sometimes the things that happen are out of stuipidity or just because well life isnt fair. I told a friend today that i was trying to save the damsel in distress and she looked at me told me that you cant save the damsel if she loves her distress. Now Ive told this exact line to many of my friends but somehow i cant keep myself from doing exactly that.